To ask you to give me an honest insight into your life post divorce?

[Fr3shStart]

Especially if you have children. I often read women talking about how happy they have been since getting divorced, and for many they have gone on to have another relationship/marriage which makes them far happier than their previous one did. But I never seem to hear about women who have found the grass wasn’t greener elsewhere, or that perhaps they regret it, or that it has torn their children’s lives apart etc. And I don’t believe that for every woman/person that gets divorced that life goes on to be a bed of roses. Also the reason for me asking is that I have a baby and I am contemplating divorce, but I just don’t know if my marriage is “awful enough” to go that route and that the upheaval is worth it, especially when I don’t know what is on the other end.

I can’t help I’m afraid as it’s been a positive experience for me and my kids are relatively unscathed

No one knows how their life will pan out when faced with a choice. I have lived through various friends divorces, there was a huge surge when we hit about 40. It’s been a mixed bag of happiness and unhappiness.

I would write about what’s going on in your marriage and ask for advice.

Tbh the human brain is a wonderful thing.

When you first leave you're bound to find things incredibly hard at times. But, provided you can afford your life, time heals everything and when you stop loving your ex, you mostly remember the bad stuff about being with them and the good memories are just less of a pull back. If you fall in love with someone else, that feeling becomes your glue and you then can't imagine feeling that way about your ex.

I love my post-divorce life!

If you married a decent, kind, sane and sensible man, though (sadly I didn’t 😆) I would probably stay for a bit and really work on it. The baby years are HARD. If you could make it through, that’s probably the ideal.

What’s going on? Why are you thinking of leaving?

Why do you want to hear stories of women who are miserable post divorce? Or have I misread your post?

Best thing I ever did was leave my ex and I wish I'd done it sooner. My daughter was 7, and although she was upset at the time I took her away from a house where there were constant arguments. Her dad is an abusive prick and she sees that now (I didn't lead her there, she saw it for herself). I'm now happily remarried, living in a lovely house, good job, financially stable and I can spend my money on whatever I please without having to justify it to anyone.

Divorce did hurt my children, because it meant they had to spend more time with their father. Pre divorce he was pretty absentee with them (no nappy changes ever, never took them out alone, spent a lot of time on the golf course etc). By the time I instigated the split they were teenagers and he wanted 50:50 which I didn’t fight (guilt, assumed it wouldn’t last etc).

He and DD had a falling out, and he really hurt her emotionally. DS just kept his head down and soldiered on in the face of his dad’s disapproval, although his dad did support him well on a practical level.

As time has gone on they have left home and inevitably their respect for their father has been damaged by his personality and actions.

Apart from the effect on the kids it was bliss for me from the minute I finally was free.

I do feel guilty for the kids, but the big mistake I made was choosing such a tosser as a father for my children. And that would have been the case if I’d left sooner or not at all. I knew he was a tosser too. But plenty of us have at least one tosser for a parent. Life’s not easy or fair.

It's really hard to answer. I'm definitely happier generally and don't regret it for a second, but I've far less money and I'm facing a far bleaker financial future.

Definitely happier here, life is so much easier and the house is less stressed and more fun. I had anticipated he would see the children regularly but that hasn't happened (his choices, not mine!). The children are thriving despite that and I do my best to encourage a good relationship with their dad.

My ex left me. And it has a very difficult time for me. It wasnt what I wanted but in time you adapted.

My youngest has coped well with the situation. My eldest not so much. This is due to ex behaviour towards the children when in his care. Eldest is now no contact.

He didn't pay child support for nearly three years. So this financially was difficult for me. And he stopped having our youngest for a long period of time. So I had limited funds and limited free time to do adult things.

But now further down the line we are happy. Life is calmer and things move on.

There is no point being stuck being miserable. You have to make the best of your situation. And find things that make you happy. Life is too short for any other alternative.

My divorced friends don’t miss their exs at all. But it’s not been easy. Yep haven’t found new partners many years later and do want to. They’ve tried many approaches. Financially it’s tough and they don’t always get to go on holiday and their homes need work. They are still tied to the ex and all their irritations over kids visits etc. It’s not easy and it depends if you have money and a reasonable job or can get one soon.

So much happier, it's like a different life. Divorced 10 years ago and life just gets better and better.

No new DP, can't be arsed with all that. Just me, and the DC and my animals. Now DC are grown up and left home and I live alone (with my lovely pets) and my life is peaceful, calm, serene. I don't have to compromise, or deal with anyone elses shitty family or friends or work drama. I get to choose where I go on holiday, what I watch on TV, what to have for dinner. I am never lonely.

I have a very close group of friends I have had for over 30 years which helps a lot, and I really love my job. I retrained and went to uni after the split and now have a proper career. Best decision I ever made. DC are fine, they could see their dad whenever they wanted.

Interesting thread.

I am contemplating divorce and feel positive about it. I know much will change; lack of finances, smaller accommodation, loss of shared friends, distraught dc, acceptance that your marriage ended. Going into the unknown is difficult- you do not know what day to day life will look like.

First divorce with young child had to happen as my husband was violent and made our lives a misery, it was heaven when we left him, staying would have destroyed us. At that time money was very tight and we did struggle a lot with that and paying the new mortgage.
It wasn't wasy as I had to work full time, had no friends as my ex didn't let me have friends and my whole family lived abroad so although we were safe and he had no visitation rights we were quite lonely. it took years to adjust and to get over the trauma of it all.
Second marriage was the love of my life but he messed me around and was unfaithful and selfish for 20 years which eventually wore me down.
He left for someone else and although I was devastated at first am really happy now, I hadn't realised how exhausting it was living with him and I feel my life is so much happier now, I also have my own home and financial independence and a good pension.
I don't feel I need a man any more.
I was worried about retirement but having worked out my pensions etc I'm not bothered and I have my adult DS.

I think we'd all like to know why you are so unhappy OP?

3 years since I left my ex.
His life is still on exactly the same destructive path it was when I could see he was not ever going to change or lead a normal life I had to get out.

The difference is now me and the kids are not being dragged along with him.

I have a good happy life now. Work part time in a job I love. Fit my hours in when the kids go to dad's. Loads of childfree time that I never would have got before. Walk miles every day with good friends. Run a car and manage small UK holidays with the kids.

I could never have imagined my life now when I was deep in the fog of my marriage. The longer I have been out of it the more I feel free.

I'm not divorced but have 3 friends who are. All are much happier now but there was a rough time during the split and for a year or so afterwards for all of them. The kids all seem ok and my friends are all in new relationships (although the kids of one friend have really struggled with that).

I probably thought about divorcing DH a couple of times through the baby and young child years (stress, differences in child-raising opinion, money worries etc meant more arguments) but it always passed and I'm very glad I never talked about it with him as we are definitely better together. What are your reasons for wanting to split?

The only thing that damaged my children was going through family courts at the age of 3&6. Now that's over, we are all the happiest we've ever been.
The only times I've actually been miserable is when I've had new relationships, as I feel like my freedom has gone again and wonder if I'm doing it just because it's what's expected.
I'm actually very very happy in my own space.

Life is emotionally better now; I'm far happier and so are the kids. The process was scary but I do not regret it at all.

I know several divorced people and (adult) children of divorced moms. Whether the kids still have contact with the dad or not, they are all happier now. The ones with (or who are) "good" fathers still have good contact. But, contact with "bad" fathers either ceased immediately or tapered off naturally. So, don't expect your child's father to change; they'll still be the same person after divorce - it won't make him a better or worse parent. I feel this is an important point to note as your child is still a baby.

I am 6 months post split and every day I wake up and think “thank fuck for that.” The kids have managed far better than I could have hoped, probably because they’re now not living in miserable tension.

Another one with a very positive experience of life post divorce. Life has improved for me on every single measure: I'm much happier, I'm wealthier, my child is doing well, I'm doing better at work, I have a new relationship which is much healthier than my marriage, I have a full and active social life.

I firmly believe that separation when a relationship has run its course is largely a positive thing. No-one wins when two people who are manifestly unhappy and ill-suited force themselves to remain together out of a sense of duty to the children. Least of all the children, who will sense when their parents don't like one another.

Where divorce is problematic or difficult is where either one party (almost always the woman) suffers financially, where the custody arrangements don't benefit the children or where a subsequent relationship is entered into without care for the child's needs. There are plenty of case on here where an ex doesn't pay maintenance, isn't reliable, has a toxic influence on the children, or where one or both parties go onto create blended families in a way which is difficult for the children.

Hard to know whether any of these variables will apply to you without more information OP.

One thing I would say is that if you are going to split its much better to do so when your DC is a baby than string it out for another 5 or 10 years. Also that a marriage not being "awful enough" to leave sounds pretty awful to me.

I've never been happier tbh.

The hardest part was realising that because my ex dh was a selfish twat also meant he was still that same person when we divorced. Which meant he'd pay the bare minimum towards the dc and nothing extra, that he was far too busy with his vip job to do anything other than eow with the kids. So any adult holidays etc were out of the window. All the childcare fell to me, luckily I had a great employer and a good wage coming in.

I think it was the resentment towards him rather than the actual impact on my life that pissed me off.

But it's all coming back to me in spades now, I have a great relationship with the dc, they are easier now they are teens and they adore my new dp who spends so much more time and effort with them than their actual df

My ex is still a selfish twat. But the dc know that now (not through me I might add), through his own behaviour with them

Thanks for all the replies. Long story short, my husband has been emotionally abusive the past few years and would do things like the silent treatment etc. It actually took me until recently to realise this is abuse etc, and I can see that he has learned these behaviours from his parents. Recently we've had extensive talks as I was planning to leave him, and in fairness he's made some huge changes and I've been feeling much happier, but obviously Rome wasn't built in a day and he can still be a critical and unkind. I do feel that with time (a lot of time) he will make the necessary changes, it's just hard putting up with it right now. I know I'd be happier without him right now, but if he could just resolve these last few issues I'd be happier with him. I also think there's a case of it taking us many years to find our groove and finding what works for us. I'm not perfect and perhaps have been a bit controlling in some ways and have been learning to let go. I've learnt a lot in this marriage. I'm just not sure how much longer I can hold out to see the changes I want as I currently would be happier on my own. I would also feel so sad for our baby and wonder if perhaps this is just a tough time like a PP said and that they were glad they didn't end things?

I'd been unhappy for years but he forced my hand by having an affair and me finding out.

I was scared as I'd previously been a SAHM to 2 children we adopted together who have LOTS of additional needs. I was also severely obese.

In the last year I've lost loads of weight,got a full time job, dated a little and feel amazing. The DC have coped remarkably well and I actually get a break for a couple of days every week to do me.

It's not all easy- I have to budget carefully, don't have anyone to leave the kids with on "my nights" so I can only do things when they're with their dad. But to me- it's been well worth it.

The biggest hit for me has been financial. ExH and I had no children so it was on the face of it a straight split but I let him keep all his pension (think I will come to regret that) - we’d agreed that he would prioritise saving while I did a few starter jobs with no pension rights - and of course “two can live as cheaply as one” so although I can cover the bills as a solo person there’s very little “fun money” - when I was married we basically had one of our salaries to spend on what we liked.

There’s nothing wrong with having an eye to financial security but for me it would depend on what was wrong with your relationship - if there are problems that might be helped by counselling, try that but if you are being abused then no financial price can make that OK.

Honestly it's been fine.

DS occasionally gets sad that his dad and I don't live together but we talk about why and I let him express his feelings. He would have been much more sad if we had stayed together in a miserable household.

I don't want a new partner, that's not why I got divorced. I've been single for 7 years.