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about money and hen do?

31 replies

cosmosontap · 18/03/2021 19:38

There's been some similar posts lately but this is my first on the topic. NC.

I was maid of honour for a girl I've known 6 years. I was her only friend she met herself, everyone else knows her and her DF as a couple only, so I understood the decision. She is one of those people who always talks about 'her man' and doesn't do anything without him. She doesn't stay out at social events because he's not there etc.

Anyway, I planned her hen do, her virtual hen do when covid hit, her postponed real hen do and now that cannot go ahead (so much admin, hours of my life wasted). She is a bad friend, take my word for it. I finally saw the light when others told me I was a mug.

She would pick me up and drop me as and when it suited her. She would outright lie as to why she couldn't make a date or my birthday and then post incriminating things on social media showing her with 'her man'. However, she is like this to everyone, not just me. I finally pulled back as she was just not making any effort. This eventually led to the inevitable, I was uninvited from her wedding.

From Maid of Honour to no invite in one text message. She didn't even call. She has also uninvited other people who have paid for hen do who are outraged. She also has uninvited people for being vegan as she doesn't want to cater for them etc.

Now then hen do. It has to be cancelled due to covid restrictions and we should get a full refund. However, it was £300 each with a total of 20 people attending. Some paid the full amount as this included accommodation, others paid less to just come to activities. I have a detailed spreadsheet with everything recorded.

Now, she has been a coward and treated me awfully. I'm hurt and I feel petty.
One of the other girls uninvited is a very good friend of mine.

Would I be wrong to refund the apportioned amount (I don't have a full refund yet, only about 40% of the money) to me and the other girl, then just send her the lump sum and tell her to deal with it? (so I'd send us the same as others should get, not refund us the whole amount first as this feels morally wrong)

My replacement (who knew before I did!) has asked if I could transfer all bookings into her name. This is stupid to me, some things required payment later (people didn't send me £300 directly) and the liability is on my card. So I would change the name but not the liability? I have chosen to ignore this.

WWYD in my situation? I am pissed off.

OP posts:

TimeForTeaAndG · 18/03/2021 19:51

I would absolutely refund the full amount that you and other cancelled friend have already paid.

If people owe you money as you have paid their balances then I'd request that replacement MOH transfers you that money so you can clear your card before you change the name on the bookings. That way you're not left out of pocket when they "forget" to pay you back. Give a deadline, say a fortnight's time. It's up to her whether she pays the balance or she chases the hens for it first.


candlemasbells · 18/03/2021 19:58

Take what you are owed and then pass the rest on to be sorted out. If the rest of the refund goes to the new organiser you’ll never see any money back.


Still1nLove · 18/03/2021 20:11

Just to be clear;
-Everyone is all paid up, no outstanding balances owed?
-People paid different amounts depending on what they were doing (some doing everything, some only doing activities etc)?
-You paid for everything on your card so the refund will be to you/your card?
-so far you have only received 40% of the refund?
-Any damages to the accommodation will be charged to the card that was used to book, ie yours?


MNerGoneRogueAgain · 18/03/2021 20:19

It sounds like you're at massive risk of ending up out of pocket, if I've understood your OP properly


Yuppie20 · 18/03/2021 20:51

Just get a full refund and cancel the booking. I would just transfer her what is owed to everyone else and send a group WhatsApp saying you have done so, so it's up to them to get it off her.
Definitely cancel the booking with your card, I wouldn't trust her or any of her friendship circle to do the right thing given what she has already done.
What a bitch!


Magnificentmug12 · 18/03/2021 21:16

Cancel everything and send everyone their money back. They can then send it to the new person for their place at the hen do otherwise you will have to send over the spread sheet and everything and I wouldn’t want to waste my time doing that


JackieWeaverFever · 18/03/2021 21:58

Cancel EVERYTHING and let them rebook it all.
Take your money back from the refunds and just give the cash to the bride via transfer.
Share an email with screen grab of the transfer and the calculation to all bridesmaids so you can't be accused of stealing anything


FFSAllTheGoodOnesArereadyTaken · 18/03/2021 22:09

She sounds like a cow. I'd personally try and refund everyone the right amounts myself. As otherwise she could keep it...which isnt fair on the other hens. Dont let the fall out between you and her affect the other people who are caught up in it. But that's just me


Jamboree01 · 18/03/2021 22:16

I agree with this. I wouldn’t trust her to give anything back or to handle it properly.


cakewench · 18/03/2021 22:32

Yes as others have said, I’d cancel the booking and send the money to whomever is sorting it out now. Definitely do not keep anything booked on your card! Any refund that arrives will be to your card, I assume? So take out what is owed to you and the other uninvited friend; definitely do not just partially refund yourselves or you’ll never see it all.

What an awful situation OP, I’m sorry!


cosmosontap · 18/03/2021 22:47

@Still1nLove yes completely correct, great summary!

OP posts:

Dancingpinkfeather · 18/03/2021 22:52

I’d cancel and when you have the refund I’d send it back to the people that paid you. Let the new MOH sort it out from scratch.
Or if you send it to the bride send the other hen guests a screenshot.


katy1213 · 18/03/2021 22:53

Cancel everything and let your lucky successor start again from scratch.
Or how about having a lovely weekend away with friends and un-invite the bride?


SnackSizeRaisin · 18/03/2021 22:55

If you are certain your card will get refunded in full, cancel everything and return the money that isn't yours to new organiser.

If there is any query, refund yourself (and your friend) in full and send the rest to the new organiser. Then if and when the rest gets refunded to you, pass it on to them.

It isn't your fault you got uninvited. If the other hens get annoyed the bride will have to sort it out with them or refund from her own pocket.

I wouldn't leave any booking on your own card as you may be liable for extra fees. It would be better for the new person to rebook from scratch.


cosmosontap · 18/03/2021 23:13

If I refund people, I’ll need to add 20 payees to my banking which I don’t really fancy doing. I shouldn’t have to, it’s no longer my job.

I want to send her the money and not tell anyone. I’ll just say in the group “the money has been sent to Freya”

OP posts:

Chloemol · 19/03/2021 00:04

Take what you are owed, send the rest to the new moh. Text everyone else and tell them to go to her for their money


BornOnTwelthNight · 19/03/2021 10:49

No I’d definitely cancel the whole booking, refund everyone personally and let them make a new booking.

Yes it’s a pain in the arse but Doing it your way leaves too much scope for confusion and as your card was used for the booking, would leave you liable for damages and non payment.


FlaviaAlbiaWantsLangClegBack · 19/03/2021 10:54

It's going to be less inconvenient to add 20 payees to your bank account than have to deal with the hassle of them coming after you for money when mistakes get made when something else is organised.

Refund everyone individually to protect yourself.


Wiglio · 19/03/2021 11:14

Agree with Flavia


3WildOnes · 19/03/2021 11:21

Cancel the booking but I do think you should refund everyone individually. They paid the money to you directly so I do think you need to pay them back directly.


SquareOnTheHypoteneuse · 19/03/2021 12:39

Although it’s a pain - refund everyone yourself.
I would not be sending other people’s money to a third party.


missmarplesapprentice · 19/03/2021 13:26

100% YANBU, but I do think you should pay everyone back directly. More to cover yourself.

Say you send all the money to this other person but she starts badmouthing you saying "Cosmos didn't sent me it" or "Cosmos didn't send enough".

At least doing it directly, means you have a paper trail that everything has gone back to the right person. Then walk away, head held high.


Kerzehmet · 19/03/2021 13:39

Would it be worth opening a Monzo account? You can pay people using their phone number, it's much quicker and easier than normal bank transfers.

Hardly takes any time to set up the account ( i don't work for them or anything, I just really love my Monzo account Grin)


StealthPolarBear · 19/03/2021 13:54

Also agree with flavia. You can then forget it.
Also consIxer PayPal - high chance you and others have an account?


NoSquirrels · 19/03/2021 14:08

When will you get the full refund? That would change how I went about dealing with this.

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