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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

have you ever pushed over your teen dc?

81 replies

zeitgeista · 18/03/2021 19:07

during an argument?

OP posts:
zeitgeista · 18/03/2021 19:46

i'm at school, but leaving this year. i don't feel in actual danger, we probably have around the same physical strength. it's more just frustrating being told that my memory is incorrect, so i wanted to know if this is a normal thing to happen in an argument. she has told me i need to get a job (i have been looking for one) and move out, my dad told her not to say that, and i doubt i will be forced into it.
i would like to live apart from her ideally but i am able to put up with another year or so of it until i have enough money to move.

OP posts:
nimbuscloud · 18/03/2021 19:50

Would it be possible to to move in with your boyfriend’s family ? Does he know how your mother is treating you ?

zeitgeista · 18/03/2021 19:51

i don't think so, and i wouldn't want to put that strain on them. my mum isn't dangerous, so i will be okay with waiting until i can afford to live on my own.

OP posts:
WeAllHaveWings · 18/03/2021 19:51

I have never had a physical altercation with my teen. She shouldnt have pushed you over, only you will know if it was intentional or accidental. If you think it was intentional and she denies it ever happened it is not a good sign.

Do you have family who could neutrally mediate between you.

zeitgeista · 18/03/2021 19:59

no, whenever someone doesn't defend her, even if they are neutral, she will berate them.

OP posts:
bellsbuss · 18/03/2021 20:05

Not my greatest moment but yes I have shoved my younger daughter before, I was asking her to clean her room as it was disgusting and starting to whiff. She started screaming in my face to get out of her room then started to try and shove me out , I saw red and shoved her back. I had to walk away from her as the way she was talking to me I could have quite easily slapped her and I don't believe in that.

Newbuildproblems · 18/03/2021 20:05

Interesting that so many people are saying absolutely not to pushing their teenager when a couple of weeks ago a person posted saying they had hit their toddler in temper and most people were saying everyone has done it at some point.

TimeForTeaAndG · 18/03/2021 20:06

You say your mum isn't dangerous but pushing anyone can result in a fall and serious injury or death if they bang their head.

What if you are holding your baby when she pushes you?

Gaslighting is a horrible method of abuse because you end up not knowing if any version of events in your head is correct (I still have a memory that pops up but was told time and again never happened, thankfully not with that guy anymore) and the longer it happens the less you question because you just start accepting whatever version is told to you. That's not a healthy environment.

I hope you speak to a teacher or someone outside your household who will be able to help.

Saz12 · 18/03/2021 20:08

My oldest is 10.

I cannot imagine doing this, nor can I imagine my DC being physical with me (but not yet a teen!).

HollowTalk · 18/03/2021 20:19

I think you should speak to someone at school about this, OP. Your mum is really out of order.

SmileyClare · 18/03/2021 20:28

Perhaps talk to your tutor or a teacher at school. I assume your mum is providing childcare for your baby while you're at school? From her point of view it must be quite difficult for her to adjust to her child having a baby. Does she feel you're not doing enough (at home, with the baby?) Is she struggling to cope? Try to see her side if possible. I'm not excusing her behaviour but it sounds like tensions are high at home.

I'm unsure because of your age if you'd be entitled to any benefits,such as housing benefit if you were thinking of moving out. I imagine it would be extremely difficult to live on your own at your age with a baby. You need support.

If your relationship with your mum is salvageable then find a way to communicate how you feel. Be prepared to listen to her side without being angry or defensive. Can you both make compromises?
I think your best bet would be to try to make peace and set out some house rules together so that you can live together.
I'm sorry you're having a difficult time Flowers

Laila747 · 18/03/2021 20:30

Hi @zeitgeista
I was chatting to you other day about being teen mums. I hope you’re ok.

I’ve never, ever been pushed, shoved or intimidated by my parents....and have never done it to my children. It’s not ok. Tensions can run high and arguments can get heated but that’s when, as an adult, you walk away and calm down so the situation doesn’t escalate.

Is there someone at school you could talk to? Or a health visitor maybe? I know you say you and your baby are safe and I really hope you are but sometimes it’s good to have someone in your corner, someone you trust and that can support you Flowers

Itsalonghaul · 18/03/2021 20:37

No never ever, unless they were about to be hit by a car or something.

My dd is 16, younger dd 13 and hand on heart I have never touched either at any point. This is not okay op. No one should be pushing you ever.

A talk to your GP or HV about this incident might be a good idea, and someone that can help and support you. Especially as you have a baby, you will be more vulnerable than normal. We are here op Flowers

Tangledtresses · 18/03/2021 20:43

My teenage son is very trying and these times and yes I probably gave shoved him out of the way... because t he can get quite aggressive and rude!

Also in the same breath my own litter wasn't the greatest mum in the world and used to love giving me a good slap round the face.... what situation are you actually in?

Is she frustrated... are you living with them? Tell us more. X

Tangledtresses · 18/03/2021 20:44

Mother not litter!!?

bearlyactive · 19/03/2021 18:05

How are things today OP?

catsandchaos · 19/03/2021 18:26

My son has ADHD and I have endured terrible aggression from him in the past. I have never retaliated

Changethetoner · 19/03/2021 18:33

Your home situation sounds difficult. Is everyone under a lot of strain, with you not having a job, and having a young baby to care for. Are your parents both working?

zeitgeista · 19/03/2021 18:50

things are okay today. we haven't spoken to each other, other than me telling her i'm going out (on a walk with ds and bf) and her saying ok.

OP posts:
RampantIvy · 19/03/2021 18:54

@Cocopogo

No but I’ve slapped them a few times
Hmm Biscuit
BoomBoomsCousin · 19/03/2021 20:56

i feel as though i can't trust my own memory of what happened anymore because everytime we have even a minor disagreement, she tells me that it didn't happen like how i said it happened,

i don't feel in actual danger, we probably have around the same physical strength. it's more just frustrating being told that my memory is incorrect, so i wanted to know if this is a normal thing to happen in an argument.

From what you say on these posts (though it's difficult to get a full picture form a few posts on the Internet) you are in danger. May be not of being physically injured by her (though even someone with less strength than you can still injure you if they use a weapon, catch you by surprise, or if you just get unlucky and fall the wrong way, etc.), but she certainly sounds like she's doing a number on you emotionally and with your own baby at 16 you have a challenging life ahead where emotional maturity and resilience will be critical. Doubting you own versions of events the way you seem to be beginning to can lead to a lot of difficulty in executive function and setting boundaries with others. These are essential to being a good parent.

I'm not suggesting moving out immediately is necessarily the answer, without resources of your own you may end up in just as bad a situation elsewhere. In someways, better the devil you know. But don't discount what this may be doing to you. You've come on here to ask about this so on some level you are aware that this is abusive and you need support, but you seem to equate danger with physical violence and it really isn't limited to that.

With a baby at 16 do you have some SS support? Or a health visitor you can talk to about getting counseling or other support? And working on a plan to be able to leave as soon as you can create a safe and sustainable home of your own should probably be a priority.

Flowers24 · 19/03/2021 20:59

I'm.sure this has happened to many but they won't admit it

Flowers24 · 19/03/2021 21:01

Op you.say you are leaving school this year and your mum wants you.to get a job and move out? Not very loving?

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 19/03/2021 21:02

Of course not! I couldn’t imagine doing that.

My mother once banged my head off a wall when I was about 13, which was pretty awful when I think about it! I had accidentally left the car keys, which she hadn’t told me she was leaving with me and didn’t usually, in the car.

Flowers24 · 19/03/2021 21:03

Just noticed it said pushed over, no never but have had the odd shove