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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Birthday presents

27 replies

Moneyhassel · 17/03/2021 22:12

Nc as outing...
My DH recently got a very highly paid job. I work part time for him in afternoons not on The books, he gives £250 a week from him out of which I buy all the shopping for the week, pay for ds activities and put petrol My car. (Housekeeping really)
DH has a birthday coming up and I asked him what he wanted.. he mentioned two gifts one costing around £800 and the other around £700. I said ok pick the one you want snd I’ll get it out of the business account... well he went up like a bottle of pop! Saying where’s all your money going? And that account is his money that he works for!!! Wtf?? I do t have any spare money to ‘save’ for expensive presents! Aibu to expect to take money out of our joint account for his present ? or is he being bloody tight?

OP posts:
FuckyouCovid21 · 17/03/2021 22:15

That's a lot of money for a birthday present!

FuckyouCovid21 · 17/03/2021 22:15

Not that that's the problem here tho

Andwereback · 17/03/2021 22:18

Blimey he has expensive tastes. Sounds like he expected both. When you are paying for all those things I presume you would be lucky to save £100 a month meaning it would be nearly a year's worth of savings for you. Is he always like that about money? Are you able to use the joint account for things or is it "his" money that he treats himself with and you can't buy anything?

Patriciathestripper1 · 17/03/2021 22:40

Andwereback No it’s his money that he has got up at 5am to to to work and earn. I only help him from 2 till 6 sometimes 7pm 5 days a week as well as do all the housework childcare and cooking and cleaning.

FizzyPink · 17/03/2021 22:42

I’d get yourself a job OP and tell him you shan’t be helping him out anymore.
And preferably divorce him as well. Tight bastard

bridgetreilly · 17/03/2021 22:43

Huh? You do free work for him in exchange for 'housekeeping' money?

Sweetheart, stop and take a good long look at that.

FFSAllTheGoodOnesArereadyTaken · 17/03/2021 22:46

You work for him and in return...you get to run around doing the family food shop?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 17/03/2021 22:46

I work part time for him in afternoons not on The books

Regardless of birthdays etc, you are right in the shit sticks here. Get yourself sorted ASAP. Please.

OhCobblers · 17/03/2021 22:48

@bridgetreilly

Huh? You do free work for him in exchange for 'housekeeping' money?

Sweetheart, stop and take a good long look at that.

Bloody hell OP can't you see what's wrong with this?? And yes he's bloody tight.
suspiria777 · 17/03/2021 23:29

so, he pays you (a pittance) to do work for his company, and because it's under the table you have no record of NI contributions, you're breaking the law by not declaring your income or paying tax/NI, and you have no pension. You also have no employment rights. Or maternity pay. Etc. etc. etc.
In addition, you are expected to use your meagre "wages" to cover all household expenses (which in any normal and healthy relationship would be costs shared by both partners (and usually in greater proportion by the higher earner))

Basically, OP, your husband makes you work for free for half the week while he rakes in the dough? and he contributes only £250/wk to family expenses?

Lacucuracha · 17/03/2021 23:33

You’re being financially abused, OP. £250 is nothing, what do you have left for yourself?

Mylovelyhorsee · 18/03/2021 08:22

You have to work for him to contribute to the house!? Bloody hell. Leave him and you’ll get more money in child support.

He’s a selfish man.

LuxuryWoman2020 · 18/03/2021 08:28

Blimey, he's done a number on you hasn't he?

Tangogolf55 · 18/03/2021 09:03

Well, you can’t buy a present from a business account but don’t you have a family account? He’s a financial abusive twat. You’re working for free... no pension, nothing... get a job elsewhere. Plan an escape.

Stompythedinosaur · 18/03/2021 09:03

That is abusive behaviour.

Norwaydidnthappen · 18/03/2021 09:04

So you work for him ‘off the books’ (so no pension contributions), he pays you 1k a month and he asks you for a £800 birthday present. He wants you to have £200 left one month just so you can buy him a birthday present? Nice one, great guy.

DimidDavilby · 18/03/2021 09:07

This is financial abuse

LittleOwl153 · 18/03/2021 09:12

I'd start by telling him that he will then get what you can afford for his birthday and look elsewhere for his expensive toys. And wrap him a bar of chocolate!

But seriously that is abusive. Get the hell out of there. And you have all the information you need to know exactly what money he has don't you!!

Stop doing his off the record volunteering (look for a real job). He can pay for the kids activities and food directly if it bother him so much!

ivfbeenbusy · 18/03/2021 09:15

£250 a week is a lot just for food shopping and activities for a family of 3 - whilst I wouldn't expect you to have hundreds of pounds left over at the end of the month I can understand why he wonders where a lot of it is going?

Ilovemaisie · 18/03/2021 09:15

£1000 a month is a pretty big amount. More than I used to earn in my full time 'proper' job and rent and bills had to come out of that. I assume your rent/mortgage and bills don't come out of that money so actually I would question exactly where 1000 quid a month is going.
However the birthday present. Is such a high cost present normally what you would pay (either of you?). In my family presents are rarely more than £50 and that's unusual - more likely to be £30.
How have you paid for gifts in the past?
If my husband suggested a £800 gift I would snort and say "no - what would you like that's 20 quid?".

NameChange2PostThis · 18/03/2021 09:16

@Moneyhassel you poor thing. Flowers

Your H has done a right number on you.

Open your eyes. This is abuse.

One of these is true:

  1. He does not contribute to the house and keeps all the money he earns for himself. He (illegally) pays you less than minimum wage and (illegally) employs you without statutory rights.
Or
  1. He gives you £250 a week towards the housekeeping but forces you to work 25-30 hours a week for nothing.

Plus - he ‘went up like a bottle of pop’ suggests he is abusive if challenged.

Sorry op, this man is a shit and you need to wipe him off your shoe. I suggest divorce papers would make a great birthday present for this snivelling manchild.

cochineal7 · 18/03/2021 09:22

So HIS contribution to JOINT household costs is something YOU need to work for? So he gets double value for his money: work and food. Brilliant.

Tinydinosaur · 18/03/2021 09:24

Depends what you mean by the business account. Is it an account you use for business and household expenses or just business? You can't just take money out of a business account without it becoming a right ballache.
But you should be getting money for yourself. So if you have a joint account then you need to be using that for household and child expenses and the 250 is yours to spend on yourself and save, so long as he gets that much for himself too. If he's barely scraping by then you shouldn't have 250 to blow but you shouldn't be scraping by if he's got fortunes to blow. Although it also matters whether you don't work independently because you don't want to work or if you've both agreed that you need to not work to look after DS.

BarbaraofSeville · 18/03/2021 09:25

What's the benefit of your wages being off the books? You wouldn't pay tax on that amount and hardly any NI, and if it's not paid to you, it still shows as company income, so subject to tax anyway and at a higher rate.

If you have a child under 12 you'll get NI credits towards your pension due to CB anyway, so that's less of an issue, but you should make sure you are getting the credits, as you probably won't be eligible for the money as it sounds like your DH is a high earner.

But he's being ridiculous about the expensive birthday presents. He should buy things like that for himself out of his own money, and you should just get him a token surprise like a nice bottle of whisky or whatever he likes.

But seeing as you're working for him and running the house, doing childcare etc, you should both have access to equal personal spending money, after all joint costs have being covered.

Tooshytoshine · 18/03/2021 09:30

I don't normally say this but leave the bastard.

Not only is your financial set up abusive. His request for expensive presents then asking where your money goes (but no desire to share his own info) makes it worse.

This is not a normal or healthy financial relationship. It is about control. He controls your money, your time, your rights and holds all the power, whilst feathering his own nest and having the accessories of a family.

If he hasn't already, he will cut you off from friends and family. If he has already then don't be scared to make contact with them - they are no doubt worried about you.