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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my friend to be DH client..

32 replies

cocacolalalala · 17/03/2021 12:27

My DH is a professional coach in a niche industry. My good friend wanted this type of coaching and signed up as a client, through me - initially I was happy with this. However, now I really dislike it! I don't like that my friend has direct access to my DH. I don't at all think they would have an affair, so it's not that. I can't place my finger on why exactly why I have a problem with it. He has a few female clients and I have sent referrals his way so it's not that it's a female. There's just something about my good friend calling and messaging him and having their own work relationship that really really irks me. She's due to renew the coaching next week and I want to tell her not to but I'm not sure what to say. He's happy not to renew if I'm not happy. I am now qualified to coach the same niche which I can offer her but he is a lot more experienced which she may prefer and I'm not sure how for explain this to her.

AIBU? Should I just get over this or are my feelings valid?

OP posts:
Appropriateactionneeded · 17/03/2021 12:33

Has she ever given you any reason to believe their relationship would be anything other than coaching or professional? Your feelings are valid completely but seems a bit discriminatory if it's simply because you don't like the fact she will have a separate work relationship with your husband?

Love51 · 17/03/2021 12:35

I might not want coaching by my friend but might want coaching by someone at a remove, or their partner.if I were her and you did this, I wouldn't go with you for coaching instead, I'd go online.
And I'd think you didn't trust me so our friendship wouldn't thrive.

2ndtimemum2 · 17/03/2021 12:36

To be honest if it is a strictly professional working relationship I think your being unreasonable unless there's information missing? It sounds like your either jealous or insecure of your friend? If I was to guess you friend is very attractive?

BadBear · 17/03/2021 12:39

I'd try to get to the bottom of what bothers you to get over it, don't just bury it because it will keep bugging you. Your feelings are always valid because they are your feelings but you can't expect others to comply with them.

Surely you want your husband to be so good at his job that someone wants to renew their working relationship and you would want your friend to think that your husband is good at their job?

Original poster
cocacolalalala · 17/03/2021 12:42

There is a bit of a background where I feel like everything I have, she wants too...or if I have any kind of opportunity, the first thing she wants to know is how she can benefit from it before hearing what I'm actually saying about it....it may be a bit of jealousy that now I feel like she has bought my husband in sense. Again I don't think they would have any type of affair - she is married also and they aren't each other type, and me and DH have a great relationship so it's 100% not that. She is attractive but so am I. I think it's also maybe around the fact that I like to keep my relationships separate and now she has her own relationship with him..

OP posts:
Original poster
cocacolalalala · 17/03/2021 12:44

@badbear

Definitely- even though I'm not happy about it, I want him to do a good job and her to benefit from it seeing as she has already signed up..however, I've literally been counting the weeks until the coaching. I've had a few months to settle my emotions over this but it still bugs me!

OP posts:
BadBear · 17/03/2021 12:46

If you like to keep your relationships separate why did you refer her to your husband? That wanting to keep things separate part makes complete sense but it's a bit too late now.

It sounds like you have a bit of a problematic relationship with your friend so maybe address that. I don't think it's fair on your husband to not renew the training with her but you know him best.

Appropriateactionneeded · 17/03/2021 12:46

Hmm it's a tough one. Your DH seems supportive of whatever you want. Isn't it him you need to place your trust in irrespective of your friend...I'm not sure it's valid enough reason to terminate a professional working relationship.. If she's calling him every day 5 minutes to talk things unrelated to the coaching then yes I'd understand..but if its simply talking about the coaching. I don't see the issue.

MaggieFS · 17/03/2021 12:49

I don't think you can go back now and retain the friendship. I think I understand where you are coming from but I think you should have said something in the first place. Now they've started the coaching and built a [professional] relationship, I don't think there's much you can do without a fall out.

GoWalkabout · 17/03/2021 12:55

Don't offer to coach her. He should find an excuse to not renew.

NeedaLittleNap · 17/03/2021 13:09

Listen to your gut.

HollowTalk · 17/03/2021 13:11

I agree with you - I wouldn't like that at all - it's to do with boundaries, isn't it? Luckily your husband is happy to lose her as a client, so I think that's what he should do.

HoldontoOneMoreDay · 17/03/2021 13:11

You need to take this to your supervision, it's not healthy. You need much more separation between your coaching and your DH's too. He shouldn't be having these discussions with you.

HoldontoOneMoreDay · 17/03/2021 13:12

@HollowTalk

I agree with you - I wouldn't like that at all - it's to do with boundaries, isn't it? Luckily your husband is happy to lose her as a client, so I think that's what he should do.
Those were her DH's boundaries to set in the first place though, if he's set them appropriately there should be no issues at all.
2ndtimemum2 · 17/03/2021 13:18

@HollowTalk

I agree with you - I wouldn't like that at all - it's to do with boundaries, isn't it? Luckily your husband is happy to lose her as a client, so I think that's what he should do.
Thats ridiculous statement so if he was a lecturer in a college he couldn't have one of his wife's friends in his class? Or couldn't work out in the gym at the same time as the wife's friend? The wife referred the friend so if she has an issue with it she should deal with it not expect her husband to have to deal with her insecurity
TheLumpySofaCushion · 17/03/2021 13:21

I can see how you feel, OP.

Coaching is very personal, and sometimes, a little like therapy.

I think coaching friends as a business arrangement is a bad call and I wouldn't do it.

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 17/03/2021 13:22

I would find this annoying as the relationship you build with a coach can sometimes be quite close and I wouldn’t want a friend to feel closer to my DP than to me! That may make me unreasonable but at least I can own it.

I wouldn’t necessarily want her to come to me either though - mixing friendship and work can be tricky. On a slightly different note my friend is now my hairdresser and every time she sees me, she manhandles my hair and tells me I need my roots doing Grin I will never be able to just grab a box of dye and sort it out myself, I’ve committed to years of paying her £40+ a pop to sort it for me!! Mixing friends and work is never a good plan.

HOkieCOkie · 17/03/2021 13:22

I love how everyone on mums net is super Niche 😅

TheLumpySofaCushion · 17/03/2021 13:23

To add, though - you shouldn't have suggested it and your DH shouldn't be formally coaching your close friends.

I'd reset those boundaries now and explain it's an approach you've been advised to take by your own advisors.

aprilanne · 17/03/2021 13:25

Well obviously you will lose the friendship because she will obviously be highly offended and quite rightly so and you sound insecure and jealous so why recommend her as a client in the first place .

crosspelican · 17/03/2021 13:25

I wouldn't want it either, but why on earth would you then think of coaching her yourself? That's even MORE unhealthy, IMO.

I really don't think either of you should be coaching your friend. It's too close to home.

(I am a consultant in a particular industry, and what I do is not a million miles away from coaching sometimes and I would never take on a friend as a client. It's just too weird.)

crosspelican · 17/03/2021 13:26

As the coaching is naturally coming up for renewal between your friend and your DH, you should be honest with him, tell him openly that you are squicked out about it, and then he can organically refer her elsewhere.

KitchenFairy · 17/03/2021 13:31

Depending on what area it is, coaching friends is a bad idea anyway.

I can't understand why you signed her up as a client through you in the first place, but as your DH has said he's happy not to renew if I'm not happy, then tell him that you've thought about it and you're not happy so can he please not renew.

Again depending in what niche he coaches - he can say he's not renewing her sessions on the advice of his own mentor/coach/after a reflective practice session, that he's realised it's not ideal or advisable to coach people who he or his family are that close to.

KitchenFairy · 17/03/2021 13:32

I wouldn't want it either, but why on earth would you then think of coaching her yourself? That's even MORE unhealthy, IMO.

And YES to this ^

PositiveNegative · 17/03/2021 13:36

What @crosspelican says.

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