Help. I keep shouting at my baby.

[Traveller3367]

LO is 9 months olds
Full of energy and curious and nonstop
I'm FTM.
I keep finding myself shouting at baby. Raising my voice with a stern tone
"Stop it" or "No" or "Silly child" or "why are you doing that?!"
I hate myself but I feel overwhelmed by the constant activity. LO won't even sit still for a nappy change or to get dressed. I know I'm expecting too much from a baby and I hate myself afterwards. I don't want LO to be scared of me or psychological damaged.I wish I could keep my cool.
For background, I don't have PND but I do come from an abusive family. DM would shout and hit us from very small (think 2 months old). I DON'T want to be like that. Growing up controlling your child/ your child being scared of u was "good parenting" and I feel subconsciously maybe this is ingrained in me and my behaviours are because of this. Consciously I'm trying hard to fight it. It's hard because I find myself shouting before I've had a chance to stop and think. Ive never been violent nor would I ever be. I am awaiting counselling for this as I want to undo the psychologically damaged way my brain thinks.
Looking for advice/support/ books to help please
Please don't judge me. I am trying. I have lovely bond with LO, play most of the day, go out, cuddle. Its just when I get frustrated which is usually when I'm trying to achieve a task e.g. nappy or clothes change.

Try and identify the times when you shout. You mention nappy-changes and dressing. There are a number of Getting Dressed songs for little ones. Pick one and sing it over and over while you're nappy-changing/dressing. Find other songs to sing to accompany activity you find stressful. You can't shout while you're singing. He's nine months and sounds lovely. He wants to play. Is there anyone else to play with him? Lots of people find it very,very, difficult to cope if they're home alone all day with the baby.

I agree with pp - if you sing you can't shout . My DC are grown up now, but I remember singing the same couple of songs over and over whenever things had to be done, like dressing or bathing . I can't sing of course ! But they provided an uncomplaining audience. If you are singing , you can't say anything or shout so it's a great way to rewire your brain.

My health visitor gave me a sheet of paper that said something like 'Count to 10' on it - can't remember the exact wording of it, as it was over 15 years ago now! But I remember similar reactions from myself and I put it in my fridge for a while as a reminder. My DS was very lively, full of energy and quite a handful too at that age and it was helpful to just 'count to ten' to help me manage my reaction to what was a lot of normal, but challenging, toddler behaviour

On the fridge not in the fridge lol !!

Thanks for the responses
I do try to sing but LO doesn't register it. So busy being mischievous that only startles to loud noises
I will still keep trying tho. Maybe singing at the top of my voice might help
I love LO dearly and I don't want to cause any damage
DH is lovely and hands on and so patient with LO but LO is so energetic I find recently even DH gets frustrated when left alone for long periods. I can hear lots of "naughty baby" coming from DH which is totally out of character
I will try with the loud singing
Any books or videos on how to cope with a child full of energy? I've come across loads about managing children with ADHD

Im just posting to say that there is light at the end of the tunnel and you can work through this. I had therapy when my DC was 2 as i found myself being very critical of them. I felt like I had to control DCs behaviour to protect them from my father and people like him. He was very, very critical of us growing up and sometimes violent. Building up my own self esteem really helped, realising I was allowed to make mistakes meant I could accept it in my child.

CBT also really helped. You can look up exercises online while you are waiting counselling.
I looked at why I was worried about the snatching. It was because I feared someone would shout at or hurt my child if it happened. On balance I could see that snatching isn't great but it's also normal.

My little one is a year old now and a right little bugger, I have similar background to you and have shouted a few times normally after 3 days of only 2 hours sleep and work under my belt. Re nappy changes I now give him my phone, not on just to hold, or remote and the forbidden fruit gives enough time to clean up the messiest nappys lol. Also songs we like high on a hill from sound of music as my yodling makes him belly chuckle and old mac Donald with lots of funny faces. You're doing great though I promise.

Two books- the book you wish your parents has read

And

It didn't start with you.

I had similar issues until these books, then I realised the consequences and these books helped me understand when I was being triggered so I could intervene on when it was happening.

It is good that you know you need to get some support with this and that you know your baby isn't naughty. It is a hard stage when they are mobile but have little understanding. I think the singing /talking through what you are doing is a good idea, even if LO isn't responding they are hearing language and it is a distraction for you. Is there anyone to give you a break or talk to about it in real life break?

I would recommend the Phillipa Perry book, "the book you wish your parents read". It's very much focused on how your parents parenting could be impacting upon the way you respond to things. Lots of examples and suggestions for how to find reason for and correct any responses you may have which aren't helpful
For your child. Good luck you can change this.

My DS was super lively and energetic at that age OP. I remember looking enviously at my friends with their calmer babies! He's now a teen and still very active and sporty, who he is great, so I now see his energy in a positive light. Could you try and do the same?

Can you try a crab pot type play pen where you could pop him in with toys to give you a break sometimes. And distraction techniques whilst changing helps.

I found that stage so frustrating - I used to clench my jaw so tight during the day that it hurt and the dentist told me off.

I think it's worth thinking about the language that you and your husband are using - your baby isn't naughty, they are just being a baby. I think there's probably some too high expectations which happens as your baby develops and we expect them to be able to do more, we all do it. It's good you are reaching out for counselling, it's a positive move.

There's some good tips above - I found waiting for a break in whatever my DS was doing was helpful before taking him off to get changed/new nappy (though not always possible), we had cupboards he was allowed in and cupboards he wasn't (with baby locks on them) and sticking to a routine is important - we have the same weekday morning routine so DS knows when he needs to get dressed, we have the same bedtime routine regardless of what's going on.

I agree with a pp about changing the environment so you aren't feeling that you need to say 'no'. So have 1 room in the house which is completely safe for him to roam around, touch anything etc.

If you feel like this at 9mo wait till you have a 2yo toddler running around throwing everything in sight

You are not alone with the frustration you just need to switch the shouting response because in all honesty it doesn't work.

You need to read the 'Calm parents, happy kids' book.

Of course singing songs to LO is about engaging with them but in this case it doesn't matter if its not always capturing their attention, it's more about keeping your mind and mouth busy to prevent any unwanted snappiness. This sounds a very useful tip from PP. Don't beat yourself up about this, it's great that you've recognised this and want to change it.

Hi OP. sorry you’re going through this. It’s really brave to ask for help. Sounds like you’re already looking at therapy. “The book you wish you’re parents read” is amazing.

So many of us are ill equipped for parenting if we don’t have good role models or support. You aren’t alone in this.

Try to embrace parenting. Acknowledge that it’s your frustration, and baby is not at fault. They are hard work and it can be frustrating.

Have you tried mindfulness? I’m being more ‘in the moment’ and it’s definitely helped. I rarely shout, but I’ve had my moments where I’ve simply been overwhelmed or frustrated. Shouting only brings on mum guilt and will make you feel worse, so definitely curb for your own sanity. Baby will be fine, so try not to worry.

Going forward, think about ways you can make parenting more fun for all of you. Make everything a game. Instead of “silly child” or “naughty baby”, try to sing song things like “what are you up to little squirrel” or something like that. Ignore bad behaviour, keep “no” for dangerous tasks, reward and praise the good. Distract baby when getting them changed. And always remember you can put dc in a cot and walk away for a moment if it’s too much.

Play lots and don’t stress when you’re in the middle of something and have to stop. Unfortunately, babies are very active and time consuming.

It will get better, I promise x

Lots of good advice on here. It's a really tough time to be at home with a baby - baby groups were my lifeline at that age and they gave me an important support network. Without that it's much harder.

A couple of tips from me :

• get a playpen that you can put DC in for a couple of moments if you feel yourself getting to the edge. Pop them in and walk to a different room and do some deep breathing and/or shout into a pillow if you need to!

• spend lots of time outside if you can, take the pushchair and go for a walk every day, feed the ducks etc. Fresh air and exercise will benefit both of you.

• if you need more support there is no shame in asking for help, you could talk to your HV if sympathetic or try HomeStart

@Traveller3367

Thanks for the responses I do try to sing but LO doesn't register it. So busy being mischievous that only startles to loud noises I will still keep trying tho. Maybe singing at the top of my voice might help I love LO dearly and I don't want to cause any damage DH is lovely and hands on and so patient with LO but LO is so energetic I find recently even DH gets frustrated when left alone for long periods. I can hear lots of "naughty baby" coming from DH which is totally out of character I will try with the loud singing Any books or videos on how to cope with a child full of energy? I've come across loads about managing children with ADHD

Your DH is replicating your style. He's becoming complicit. So now your son gets labelled negatively by both of you ☹️

I'm sorry OP but your current style of discipline is not on. Labelling your child as naughty, silly etc is damaging for his concidence and despite you recognising it's wrong and routed in your upbringing, I doubt it'll get any better without help.

Seek counselling asap. Or parenting classes. There's no shame in admitting you need help. Your poor son doesn't deserve name calling for being a normal baby.

Are you going back to work OP? I think it would be a good idea for all of you if you do so that you all get a break.

I am shouter and come from a family of shouters. I found playful parenting a game changer. Lots of info online. Easy to implement.

If you have suffered abuse from a young age then the best thing you can do is look into getting therapy from a well qualified therapist. Understanding the impact abuse has had on you and your relationships is the first step to changing it.

Hopefully you can get some help, your baby is 9 months, they are just discovering the world, this is what they do x

It’s great you’re looking for help because it’s going to be so damaging for your baby if they get bigger and know they are getting called a silly/naughty child for doing nothing more than what young kids do x

Good luck

I've been like this too. I was shocked because I've always been so calm with kids and have done heaps of therapy so I didn't expect this to come out of me with my own child at this stage
I think meditation or sitting quietly and letting those feelings of frustration come up and pinpointing which parent you are mimicking and telling your mind it can let go of that conditioning has helped me a lot. It won't go overnight but if you're mindful about it every day you can create a new pattern.

My dad was a shouter to the point of emotional (and sometimes physical) abuse. In stressful situations I find myself wanting to replicate the shouting, until I catch hold of myself.

I agree that singing things takes the emotion out of the situation. Whilst you are waiting for counselling I found the Naomi Alford book ‘Raising our children, raising ourselves’ really helpful.