Help. I keep shouting at my baby.

[Traveller3367]

LO is 9 months olds
Full of energy and curious and nonstop
I'm FTM.
I keep finding myself shouting at baby. Raising my voice with a stern tone
"Stop it" or "No" or "Silly child" or "why are you doing that?!"
I hate myself but I feel overwhelmed by the constant activity. LO won't even sit still for a nappy change or to get dressed. I know I'm expecting too much from a baby and I hate myself afterwards. I don't want LO to be scared of me or psychological damaged.I wish I could keep my cool.
For background, I don't have PND but I do come from an abusive family. DM would shout and hit us from very small (think 2 months old). I DON'T want to be like that. Growing up controlling your child/ your child being scared of u was "good parenting" and I feel subconsciously maybe this is ingrained in me and my behaviours are because of this. Consciously I'm trying hard to fight it. It's hard because I find myself shouting before I've had a chance to stop and think. Ive never been violent nor would I ever be. I am awaiting counselling for this as I want to undo the psychologically damaged way my brain thinks.
Looking for advice/support/ books to help please
Please don't judge me. I am trying. I have lovely bond with LO, play most of the day, go out, cuddle. Its just when I get frustrated which is usually when I'm trying to achieve a task e.g. nappy or clothes change.

it's hard and at times, incredibly stressful being a parent, to all ages but the baby/toddler years are tough! cute as they are! they're at an age where they are so curious about the world and want to explore everything, yet have no concept of danger atm. its not the best combo! add on probable sleep deprivation and its understandable why you feel overwhelmed.

can you get a break every so often? it's easier to approach a situation when you feel refreshed.

the reason I dont shout is because my parents were, and still are, shouters and I hated it. I dont want my house to have that environment. it's good you recognise this though. the baby years dont last forever. make the most of them and learn some techniques that help you remain calm, there have been some good suggestions up thread.

Snorkello

I haven’t read all the replies but seen someone has already mentioned the book ‘ the book you wish your parents had read!

I highly recommend this book! It helped me so much. When DS was a baby I found myself losing it, shouting, getting rage and this book honestly stopped all of that for me.

When you find yourself getting angry at your children, it’s not usually what you child is doing, it’s your inner child responding. How you were treated. Which in your case wasn’t good. This book is extreme opening and I found it so beneficial.

My youngest can be a bit full on. I find when I'm starting to struggle with her climbing on everything / escaping, I put her coat on and go out in the pram.

Literally, I feel it, coat goes on and we walk. The change of scene calms her down a bit / knackers her and it gives me a breather.

Have a look into therapeutic parenting. There is a fab facebook group you can access. Therapeutic parenting is for everyone and it's a great way to support you to develop new tools to support your child.

@Snorkello - how good is that book! So eye opening, unfortunately made me realise I didn’t come from a loving home that I thought and now struggle with my relationship with my mum but made me learn SO much.

It is OK to raise your voice and tell a child off. Even at 9 months, if they are doing something they shouldn't be and potentially putting themselves in danger, they have to be taught that they can't do that from a young age. Obviously if you're screaming and yearling at them that's different, but a stern voice is fine. Sometimes it's the only way to get their attention. They have to know the difference in your reactions. There's no point trying to tell a child no of you don't change your tone of voice or facial expressions, because they don't have a clue.

I was the same at 9 months OP. I don't know what changed but my son is almost 2 and I barely ever shout even though he's more autonomy than ever before.

I think the first year is bloody awful. I did do some CBT recently for work related stress and it might have also rubbed off on my parenting.

Basically, you schedule time each day to go through things that are stressing you out. In this case, you're burned out from an energetic toddler. Can you do something about it? Yes! Then you list the things you can do, every one here has put some fantastic ideas. Then you list the pros and cons of each thing, and select your top 3 options.

You can even open this up as a discussion with your husband. "I've been stressed out by our child's energy lately and I think some good solutions would be A, B and C, what do you think? Can you help me achieve these or do you have a different solution we can consider?"

You just have to learn to bite your tongue in the moment and be really anal about scheduling that time to write things down, even if you feel like you've had a good day with nothing to complain about - because the clear headed days yield more results.

Eventually you just start doing this automatically with practice.

OP I feel for you. Mine do have ADHD and I remember with my first sitting crying with hv as couldnt understand how this small person destroyed everything in his path. Play pens are awesome as you can contain them for 5 mins while you have a cuppa and calm. Ds also loved travel cot with some ball pit balls in it.

@LB00 it’s amazing huh! It’s everything I thought put into words with such great advice and guidance. I am a huge fan of the repair/rupture as a way to let go of things that happened in the past and I can’t change, but I can fix and move on better now, and I found using reflections and journaling a game changer! I was raised in a shouty household and I’ve had my moments. Now, I’m totally chill and have such a good relationship with my kids. Mindfulness really helps too.

Sorry to hear you’re struggling with your mum. It’s hard to realise or come to terms with how we were raised. Try and see how it must have been hard for her. Talk to her about things that you’ve come to realise, but avoid being judgemental. Acknowledge and accept and she will open up. I’ve been having lots of calls with my mum hashing out my childhood. It’s really helped me. She’s also opened up about her own childhood and barriers to being a good mum herself. So now I can accept it and try to not let history repeat itself.

@Traveller3367

Thanks for the responses I do try to sing but LO doesn't register it. So busy being mischievous that only startles to loud noises I will still keep trying tho. Maybe singing at the top of my voice might help I love LO dearly and I don't want to cause any damage DH is lovely and hands on and so patient with LO but LO is so energetic I find recently even DH gets frustrated when left alone for long periods. I can hear lots of "naughty baby" coming from DH which is totally out of character I will try with the loud singing Any books or videos on how to cope with a child full of energy? I've come across loads about managing children with ADHD

Give them your phone on YouTube Sesame Street for changes. I’m sure I’ll be told I’m a bad parent for doing that but seems to calm her.

I am so sorry that you are finding this phase of your DC's life so hard. I am sure that we have all been in the situation where we feel our parenting falls short, but find it hard to break into a new pattern of coping.

Some thoughts, which I hope will feel helpful:

• it might help to try and think in a new way about what your DC is doing - rather than see it as him misbehaving, perhaps think if it as a new little person excited by the world and not wanting to lie around and have his bum wiped when he could be exploring!

• give him a toy to hold whilst you are changing his nappy - I had a Bob the Builder "telephone" that was small enough to hold in the hand and press the buttons and either music or speaking came out. I did this with my DGS when I used to look after him 2 days a week. It became part of the ritual of nappy changing, and only came out then - so the changing became a time when he got this "treat".

• if you are pretty sure that there is not a major poo in the nappy, then changing it while he is "standing" holding onto a sofa or whatever with a toy in front of him - whip it off and bung a new one on in a flash while he is not looking! He may not be at that stage yet, but it is something to have up your sleeve for later.

• Have you a push chair that lies back? Sometimes I found that changing a nappy in the pushchair while his mind was fixed on the fact that we were about to go out was easier.

• try and avoid dressing or changing when he is clearly fully engaged with something else that you have to drag him away from. Maybe be flexible about dressing - he does not have to go to work or school so maybe leave him in his night clothes (unless they are soaked) and pick your moment for dressing him when you think he might be a bit more amenable.

One of the most difficult things about caring for a child this age is that for a while your routines need to revolve round him, being sensitive to when the best moment might be for each thing you need to do with him. It can be very frustrating, as there are no doubt things that you need to get on with, but I do think that "picking the moment" for these things does help, even though it probably means you have to break off what you are doing.

It is so hard - I do get that - been there done that. But remember that the occasional lapse on your part is nit the end of the world, as long as it does not involve dong him active harm. Shouting is not great but I am sure we have all done it in our time. The count to ten suggestion above is a good one - or sing Happy Birthday twice in h
your head when you feel a shout coming on - we are all practised at that!!

If you do succumb to a shout, try not to dwell on it; give yourself a shake and move on. You are aware that it is not good for either of you, and that is the biggest step along the way.

I was a social worker in my working life and, awful though this might sound, I saw some appalling parenting and used to console myself that, on the occasions when I got things wrong, I knew that I could be a whole lot worse. At least you know that the shouting is not a good idea; the families I saw thought that it was just fine, and it was a way of life.

So.....you are well on the right road by seeking advice and ideas. Just one other ting - get OH on board with any strategies that you come up with - that will give your DC consistency. When he is a bit older he can take on board different parenting styles, but at this stage he needs things to be consistent.

Lots of good luck.

I think both of you need a mindset change. Babies and toddlers are not naughty or mischievous they are active and curious. Try to find a way to reset your perceptions of your babies behaviour. It's all normal. Find things that work. I found giving LO something to play with when I did nappy changes work. Hand him your phone and the pretty colours will distract long enough to change him.

I think 9 months is such a hard age - they can't talk, but they're mobile; you're still shattered, but they have so much energy. It really does get easier!

I also come from an abusive background, as does my DP; you can imagine we've done a lot of work.

Something I find helpful is strategising to yourself how much something matters before you start to do it. So, does it matter if the nappy change takes half an hour? Does it matter if the baby runs around without a nappy on? Does it matter if you give up midway through and run a bath instead? Etc.

Obviously sometimes it does matter - you have to get out right now; the baby is covered in poo, etc. But other times it totally doesn't and it is so much easier on your nerves if you can identify those times and go with the flow. In the grand scheme of things, if your child thinks it's hilarious to crawl away without a nappy, well ... fine. Go put the wet one in the bin, wash your hands, and come back to recapture them.

I always did nappy changes standing up at this stage, btw - much easier! Getting a baby to lie down on its back is a battle not worth fighting IMO. If you let them lean against a low table/sofa and give them something to play with at the same time, it's easier too.

Clothes changes the same. DD is nearly 4 and still thinks it is bloody hilarious to race around naked instead of getting dressed. DP always wants to shout at her, but if I possibly can I just let her crack on and get on with the ironing for a bit. Then she gets bored.

But really, seriously, the major lesson I have learned is to find as many opportunities to tell myself 'this is not important'. I think a lot of us from abusive backgrounds have internalised the idea we need to teach a child to behave.

But a nine month old child is not going to learn to behave. They have no conception that they need to be 'good' for a nappy change and I don't think they have the slightest ability to learn that. They learn social interaction from much simpler, less charged exchanges - like when they pass you something and you smile and pass it back.

The aim is to get the nappy on with the minimum of conflict, not to teach the baby to be 'good' while you do it.

Thanks for the amazing responses
Sorry I can't respond individually but am on my phone and don't know how.
I will try to read that book "the book u wish Ur parents had read"
I think it's true that I need to change my mindset. When I call LO naughty I don't mean it in a bad way. I mean a cheeky monkey so more a playful term than one requiring punishment. I was brought up with the idea that children need to behave and despite not actively believing this it's strange what the subconscious holds onto.
With regards to distractions, I have tried many and many. The toy gets chucked before I have a chance to open old nappy and the singing goes ignored haha. Currently having some success with a hairbrush tho. We love singing and I'm usually a very fun and animated mom
I know the shouty times are a blip and I know I am a good mother overall. I work for the NhS so I know what bad parenting looks like. After most shouty occasions I apologise and we have a cuddle.
LO is happy and healthy and has a strong attachment to me.
I struggle with cleanliness OCD which is why dirt and nappies are especially hard and anxiety inducing for me. I don't usually shout over other stuff. But I know that's an issue I have to deal with and I am undergoing more counselling.
I was just feeling very low and worried about damaging my LO so thank you for Ur support.
DH is very supportive and a very good dad and very easily influenced by me. I noticed he tends to unconsciously copy my behaviour with LO and so I feel even more pressure to sort myself out
Thanks ☺️

Ps standing nappy change sounds interesting
Will need to experiment with that

I had trouble changing DS nappy for ages when he was younger. we always expect them to do everything on our terms at the time we want but they are people too with their own agendas. Imagine someone trying to pull down your pants when you didn’t want it to happen. As he’s got a bit older (nearly 2 and a half now) it’s much easier and he just takes his nappy off himself now. I’d say it’s just a phase, it will pass and it will get easier. Parenting is all about learning patience ❤️

And if you do find yourself shouting. Once calm, apologise to your DS, when they get shouted at they think there’s something wrong with them. Explain it’s not her, it’s you, admit when you are wrong, it will go a long way.

Great to hear that you are awaiting therapy. I had therapy between my two kids (I also struggled a lot due to my own childhood issues) and the difference in my parenting has been astonishing.

Changing the nappy of a wriggling (and in my case shrieking!) baby is pretty infuriating at the best of times. Mine doesn’t respond to singing or toys. So to shorten the experience I switched to pull ups as they are at least easier to get a new one on (sorry, doesn’t help with the first bit).

I really struggled with just how irrational and contrary my kids were as toddlers, and when I was knackered from lack of sleep it was hard to find enough patience to stay calm. A bit of advice I read that really helped me at the time was that discipline isn’t about controlling your kids, it’s about teaching them to control their own impulses - so it’s a gradual process. If your child doesn’t respond to ‘no’ now, you haven’t failed as a parent, it’s just a step on a long path of learning. This helped me so much to be kinder to myself and them. Try framing everything positively - eg. ‘Stay still now’ instead of ‘stop rolling, it’s going everywhere!’ or ‘can you give me the remote control?’ instead of ‘no! You mustn’t touch that!’ There were still times I lost it and yelled (like when 15 month old ds grabbed a box of 12 eggs out of the shopping and shook all the eggs out all over the hall rug...!), but sometimes they do need to know you’re cross.

It isn’t about the parenting - you know the kind of parent you want to be.
You are trying to control your instinctive responses to the situation and that is hard to do.

Looking back at this time the three things that helped me were therapy for the underlying issues, sleep and eating regularly. You don’t need parenting advice you need to heal and care for yourself so that you can face the tricky situations calmly. How much sleep are you actually getting? Do you have time off during the day? Are you getting enough to eat - I found not eating regularly put me in a state of low blood sugar and then I couldn’t cope with anything. Good parenting does not have to be 1-1 all day with no time for yourself, put your little one in the playpen or in front of the telly and have some lunch. Make sure you tackle the really tricky moments when you are feeling your best not your worst whenever possible. If there are flash points for you (bedtime, bathtime, anppy change) make sure you have a sit down and a snack before you start them. Look after yourself and you will find it easier to remain a bit calmer.

I think I sang solidly for about two years to keep myself sane so that is really good advice too!

OP, I can recommend the book "yell less, love more" (there is also a blog, if I recall correctly). It's full of ideas on how to keep your calm, not all of them will work but there are so many that you will definitely find it helpful.