"I hope our grandson had a nice Mother's Day, and enjoyed special foods"

[Asiama]

That's what my narc mother sent me, no comments about whether I had a nice day (I did ). She can't stand it when I'm centre of attention. It's riled me up but I can't express why it's annoyed me. I'm actually NC with her so she uses my dad's phone / email to message me pretending to be him. I have no proof but I just know it's her by the language used etc. My father won't stand up to her, I think I will have to go NC with him too to stop her contacting me with this drivel

Thanks for the book recommendation @lolaflores

Thanks @Asiama - I'm sorry your mother was so rude to you on your wedding day, and you too @honeylulu!

My mother made my sister cry on her wedding day, and I was very nervous about getting married myself, especially as she wanted me to invite some relatives I did NOT want there. We had a bit of a row over it, but I circumvented it by sending out the wedding invitations from us, not my parents, so they couldn't be blamed. As it turned out, mum was too ill to come to my wedding - we visited her in hospital (in full wedding gear!) but I had a secret relief that she wasn't there, because she had the skill of being negative and scornful instead of positive and kind. Anything she didn't agree with, or was outside of her experience, she called "weird".

I know that some of her ineptitude as a parent came from her own upbringing - but that doesn't explain it all, because lots of parents have poor upbringings, and they choose to do things differently because of it.

I think narcissistic traits are far more widespread than we realise (or maybe we just see more of it on these boards!) - and that fewer people than we think have great relationships with their mums!

@dotdotdotdash, you are very welcome. My sister read it and I recommend it to another friend who had a very similar reaction.

The thing with a parent like this is that to the world she is a marvel no one else gets to see the person we grew up with. Or have been on the receiving end of their "love" or as I call it martyrdom.

I could never say how much she hurt me because she was a wonderful widowed mother and I, an grateful child. Or inimagined it. Or she is doing her best. Or just the simple social guideline that to speak I'll of your mother is a crime so shut up.

She is also coopting my eldest daughter but barely speaks to the youngest.

Brenna24 That sounds lovely! I too used to bake with my DD.Fond memories of cookies,brownies ,flapjacks etc .When Daddy got home he would be the lucky receipent of many of these treats!

Asiama.I am sorry to hear about your Mothers attitude on your Wedding day .I think many mothers are jealous of their Daughters .It highlights their age ,the fact that they are past their prime and so on .Instead of engaging with you and being proud of you ,they try to belittle you to feel better about themselves .Most Mums are proud of their DC and remember looking after their children fondly .

Yes @lolaflores, people outside the family (and actually extended family) usually don't understand. My dad is like this and he is set up as a 'pillar of the community' but says and does the most awful, demoralising things. I struggled for years to convey what was happening to my DH. My MIL judged me as the difficult one for going no contact.

Luckily I found a very good therapist, and also another key development was having a safe space on Whatsapp with my siblings and settling on some rules of communication that blocked his strategy of 'divide and rule'. We all agreed not to triangulate so not to discuss each other to him and to be as kind as possible to one another, as the 'golden child' is as much a trapped in the dysfunctional situation as the 'scapegoat'.

I'm glad you have a good perspective on it too @lolaflores and are on the same page with your sister.

I would recommend The Drama of the Gifted Child by Alice Miller as a book that helped me. Contrary to the title, it's really about how children respond to emotional abuse from their parents.

I hope you can put that mean text aside @Asiama and tell yourself what a great mum you are. I know I would often feel like I had been hit by a poison dart after reading emails from my dad, and would sometimes get my DH to read them first and translate as a buffer.

The fissures she has created between us are probably the most hurtful
We have all agreed to bot share anything with her as she pollutes everything. Incapable of an honest retelling of anything. Information as currency

I've had therapy on and off and it will continue for the future as I age and she does and she seems to be growing more blasè in her behaviour like a badly behaved child flouting rules just because she can. The quarantine brought out the absolute worst in her.

To all of you, I hope you have been able to heal the gap left by the parents absences as a parent and keep talking. Keep speaking out. I believe you. It isnt your imagination being ungrateful. It is real

@MessagesKeepGettingClearer congratulations on the birth of your baby! I am so sorry that your mother isn't able to express congratulations and share in your joy, I am sure you are going to be a very different mother to your precious baby. I am sorry to all posters on this thread whose mothers are unkind to them and do not behave in a way that they should.

Took me years to realise that DF was just as bad as DM for just letting it all happen and not standing up to her. Been NC with him now for almost two years and it's so much easier.

”if you had spent less time on that you wouldn't look ugly today”

OMFG!! She said that to you? On your wedding day?? Oh, I’d never, ever speak to her again.

I can be quite petty at times and under no circumstances would let her know her message annoyed me. I would reply "he did, thank you so much ) I guarantee you it will royally tick her off

That's ridiculous. Before you do go NC with your dad, please give him the chance to stop his wife barging in. If he fails then he's as bad.

Your mother sounds bloody awful, OP. Some women are like that, feel hard done by themselves and instead of wanting better for their own daughters, they want to pull them down to make them feel as wretched as they do.

Glad that you had a nice mothers day yourself. :)

One LAST chance for your dad, I mean - knowing that the next time he allows this will be the last. Maybe that will give him a bit of grit?

Blimey, this thread is an eye opener! What awful behaviour from so many parents! I have 3 Dds and hope to God we will always have a close relationship.

@Iamnotminterested

Blimey, this thread is an eye opener! What awful behaviour from so many parents! I have 3 Dds and hope to God we will always have a close relationship.

Comforting, though.

When you have a parent like that, it is nice to know you’re not alone. Well for me it is. I’ll never forget how isolating it felt as a child and young teen to believe that all the other parents were warm, supportive and psychologically healthy. Even as an adult, it’s still sometimes difficult.

The best thing about the internet has been to let people know they’re not alone. In all sorts of ways. Anonymously or otherwise. Over any distance.

@dottiedodah
This made me so sad. I have 2 daughters numerous nieces and a daughter in law. I couldn’t comprehend ever being jealous of them. I love it when they all go out together looking beautiful. I go out of my way to give them compliments and tell them what good mums they are. Life is hard enough without constantly being put down by what should be the most important woman in a girls life. 🙁

The thing about 'special foods' would drive me unreasonably beserk. Block your dad for a while and see what you want to do after that.

Thank you all, sometimes I think maybe it’s me going crazy or being over sensitive so it’s good to hear sometimes from others that it’s not me! I had a wobble a few weeks ago and asked DH if he believed me and he said he hasn’t seen most of the behaviour but he does believe me. She’s so good at appearing to the world as a wonderful person, people at school used to find it hard to believe me when I told them what she was really like. Much of it was reserved for when we were on our own with no witnesses.

As a child my mother made it very clear that her love was conditional. She would literally tell me eg if you don’t wear this nice jewellery then I will hate you, if you do your hair like I want you to then I will love you etc. I’m under no illusion that her love comes with conditions. Now she tries to control me with money instead, but I’m not letting her.

My mother is draining, which is why I am NC with her, as is most of my family. My PILs stopped visiting them after the third time because FIL felt uncomfortable around her (making him eat food she cooked that she knows he can’t eat because she knows better, making him watch films he doesn’t want to etc)

Honestly, I can’t be bothered giving my dad a chance. He’s had so many and he’s taken the easy way out. I won’t make a drama of it but I will continue to let the contact fall. We haven’t spoken on the phone for a year as my mum has to supervise, and he doesn’t write to me anymore anyway (except for the messages that my mother sends me pretending to be him).

You sound like a lovely, reasoned person. ( Usually why narc mothers get worse, jealous of their delightful daughters unfortunately. )Your parents are missing out on your company, not the other way around. NC is hard, and a decision not made lightly. I'm really glad you have the love and support of your DH and IL. I totally understand that every now and then a nasty remark can bring it all bubbling up to the surface and you have to vent.
The only positive is you have to think about how much time she has spent thinking up the typical passive aggressive narc text....you eventually have to laugh at it, because the reality is it's quite pathetic of her, and she must be going nuts you haven't responded, so all power to you. Any reaction is a good reaction in their eyes!
You enjoy your family and your lovely baby, and revel in the thought that you are a damn good mother and nice person. Sending lots of positive thoughts as you go forward. Take care.

It would be so tempting to write back and say, “Of course he had special foods. Why do you think I go to all the bother of making nutritious, homemade meals instead of the hideous, store-bought crap your lazy ass self bought me when I was growing up?” but you’re a better person than I am. 😉

To be fair to my mum she did cook everything from scratch, but it wasn't always healthy eg frying vegetables in loads of oil, and I didn't like her food. But, as with all things, if she liked something then I had to as well, and if I didn't then obviously there was something not right with me / she was superior and that's why she was able to appreciate whatever it is and I couldn't.

I cook from scratch too but she's sad that I don't cook healthily eg I don't add salt to my toddler's food and she believes salt is very important and healthy I am denying him something his body needs.