"I hope our grandson had a nice Mother's Day, and enjoyed special foods"

[Asiama]

That's what my narc mother sent me, no comments about whether I had a nice day (I did ). She can't stand it when I'm centre of attention. It's riled me up but I can't express why it's annoyed me. I'm actually NC with her so she uses my dad's phone / email to message me pretending to be him. I have no proof but I just know it's her by the language used etc. My father won't stand up to her, I think I will have to go NC with him too to stop her contacting me with this drivel

She sounds awful. I’m so sorry OP.

My DM can be very interfering and controlling; pushing my buttons because she’s sat there with nothing better to do all day. It’s very hard at times.

Can you tell your DF you may need to go low contact (or worse) with him too if he can’t lock his phone and stop her from harassing you?

The message she sent you is deranged. You have my utmost sympathy.

@Pipepans thank you. I am so lucky to have my own lovely little family and wonderful in-laws, I have to try to keep her out of my head so I can focus on the positives in my life.

@VestaTilley I did at one point go NC with my dad because of exactly this, but he begged and pleaded that he won't allow it to happen again. He kept his word for a short while but now she's taken over again, to the point that he's stopped contacting me as I know it's all her, and when DH rings to challenge him about the rubbish that "he" has sent me, he protects my mum and says it really was him when I know it's not. So the threat of me going NC with him isn't going to make him stand up to her.

Reply "that would make it Son's Day, not Mother's Day..are you feeling alright?.".

I’m sorry you have to put up with this cr*p. Difficult to avoid if she is hijacking your dad’s phone. She is trying to make you feel bad and get a ride from you. Just be as boring and minimal as possible in responses - ‘grey rock’ her.

*rise not ride!

I suspect that you are going to sadly end up NC with your dad. He isn't going to protect you from this sort of shit. But in the up side you have a wonderful partner and son and your lucky son gets homemade cakes and pizzas. Which are the best. My daughter is now 3 and LOVES making bread dough, flatbreads and cakes with me. She can mix and knead and roll out and even do some of the measuring. We spend hours together in the kitchen and really bond over it. You have a future of this, intead of ordering from a shop.

stay silent. no response.you cant change her(neither can your dad)change the effect she has on you.
happy mothers day!

Reply telling her that he ate toothpaste and hummus sandwiches and it was really special, thanks for asking.

@FlamedToACrisp

I'd respond, "That sounds like the sort of nasty thing Mum would say!"

I like this response!

@Asiama - she sounds dreadful. I think maybe you should go very low contact with your Dad too, and even consider blocking his number, or getting someone else to screen "his" messages.

The message she sent you is such a dig - no care about you at all, but reminding you that you didn't send her a card or anything either. Very unpleasant.

While I think the "nasty message mum would send" reply would be a good one, I don't think I'd even give them that satisfaction - I'd ignore it totally.

Have you heard of "grey rocking" people? It's when you react like a grey rock - you deflect everything, nothing affects your inner self, and you show no reactions to anything they might throw at you either. It's very effective when dealing with narcs and emotionally abusive twats, and their flying monkeys (look that up too if you haven' t heard the phrase yet).
Practise grey-rock techniques so that whatever your mother tries, you can just shrug it off and carry on - you'll even start to feel pity for her pathetic attempts to get to you after a while.

I know what you mean about feeling a sense of loss regarding your relationship with your mum - I had this too, I was never close to my mum, she didn't seem to know how. Not outright abusive but close to it - very self-centred, no empathy, everything had to be about her and her feelings. She's been dead for nearly 14 years now so doesn't cause me any further grief in that way though.

HOpe you did have a happy Mother's Day, despite your own mother's best attempts to spoil it for you!

Ignore.

Any further messages, just block completely.

I wonder how long it took her to come up with that carefully aimed barb, which translates as "it may be Mother's day but I have to remind you that I think you're the most unimportant member of your household".

My mother went out of her way to avoid saying I looked nice on my wedding day. People kept asking her and she'd answer a different question like "the bridesmaids look beautiful in their dresses" (she made them).

I think your mother, like ever Marc, sees the world as entirely about her. You being an excellent mother who cares about her sons health is a criticism of her parenting. You not contacting her on mother’s day a having a lovely day is an attack on her. Tell your Dad your phone is broken and give him your DP’s number to use. That way he can screen the messages for you.

*every narc

What is up with all these so called mothers? @honeylulu the wedding day thing! I don’t get it. Why wouldn’t you want to tell your daughter she looked beautiful 🥰 OP I feel so much for you. How sad that a mother is like that, and for all you others who have to go NC. I guess all it can do is teach you to be an amazing mother yourself so your own children don’t suffer in the same way. Luckily for you , you have a great MIL. I almost want to hug her myself

Easy to say but difficult to do - ignore, block, protect yourself and your children - she will find a way to get to you and them. Mine has for years and it’s destroyed so much. Good luck x

honeylulu That is horrible. sorry you had to go through that.

A bizarre message and I am left wondering what 'special food' is served on Mother's Day.

Thank you all for your kind messages! My mother has helped me to be a much better mother myself because I have learnt from her how not to parent. Some blessing in disguise.

@jessstan2 no idea but what she cooks is classed as "special food". Often it would be food that we don't like / can't eat and we explicitly ask her not to cook, she cooks it anyway and cries we won't eat it.

@FishWithoutABike totally the world is about her and she can't stand it when others are happy, she will immediately find something to bring them down a peg! And anything that goes wrong in her life is someone else's fault, never ever hers.

@honeylulu @ThumbWitchesAbroad I'm so sorry about your mothers honeylulu I emphathise about your wedding - my mother complimented my husband on the beautiful decorations he had chosen, my husband said it was all my work, so she said to me "if you had spent less time on that you wouldn't look ugly today". There were other things in the run up to and at the wedding itself. We had a lovely wedding but when I think back it's marred by memories of her. I hope you didn't let her spoil your special day.

I’d just ignore it.

The cake thing is funny because I’m the exact opposite of your mum and think bought cake isn’t nearly as nice as homemade, and a child would much prefer a homemade pizza. It’s the intent behind her word that’s horrid. Poor you.

Holy shit! Your recent post OP!

Can they not hear the words as they come out of their mouths?

My sister is like this. She can twist anything and is beyond toxic. She started this as a young child and our parents despaired at her mindset. This trait increased. Even meeting and marrying a nice man hasn't changed her acid tongue. I haven't spoken to her in many years.

Oh and my sister tried to ruin my wedding day too.

My MIL is a classic narc. Her world is currently falling about her feet, her chief enabler (FIL) is very poorly and bed bound, unable to do anything for himself. She has carers in several times a day to look after him but is very bitter. I would love to feel sorry for her but she has made my DH’s life hell over the years. He is almost NC but still feels obliged to do Mothers Day and birthdays.
The build up to these events is emotionally draining for the whole of our family. He is wracked with guilt re the NC situation but is in a much better place when he doesn’t see her. It will take several days to recover emotionally. No one else sees this, it’s hard to describe the effect a narc has on your life particularly when it is a parent.
You will never change your mum OP, love should be unconditional, narcs love conditionally. Over the years I have seen my DH wracked with guilt because he just didn’t understand what he had done wrong. His fear of rejection has impacted on our relationship from time to time but he has realised that a mother’s love is very different to what he experienced.
The hardest part is the secrecy involved, a narc is extremely careful to hide their behaviour. MIL is currently going through a very difficult situation, but as one of four sons, DH has stepped away. He no longer cares what they think, in fact his youngest brother has taken the same stance. To the outside world they appear cold and uncaring. The outside world knows nothing.

Your mother sounds deranged. Sorry OP :( NC is best and therapy. I’m finding therapy has really helped me understand how dysfunctional my mother is. It’s always high emotion. She struggles to just be normal. The last time I visited her she screamed and cried at the TV because an old dead rock star was on it. It’s just weird and attention seeking but I grew up with that crazy outbursts as being normal. It’s taken me 40 years to realise people just don’t live like that

My Mum did the wedding day thiNg. There is a photo of us and she looks like shes ought a defective donkey to market to sell and hope no one notices. She had not a single compliment to give all day.
Any conversation is about her. If you are unwell, so is she but worse. Or she knows someone who is sicker.
If someone is unwell...its cos they drink and smoke.
I have lost weight so she will tell me someone else has lost so much more.
She drains me and I grey rock her as much as possible but she is oblivious though as someone else said, I cant bring myself to go NC.
She laughs at gifts given to her so o just buy some old tat and wrap it up or out a tenner in a card.

Some days I think she rings me up for a good old row that clears her back log of spite for the world around her.
If there is a boundary set she leaps it. No manners. No empathy. No compassion.
When her number comes up on my phone I groan out loud.
Then I think of people who lost their mums and feel awful for not appreciating mine but her parenting is and has been awful.
My dad died when we were young and I believe he would have been a buffer or some kind of balance. Perhaps that's a day dream
Pandemic has accelerated the worst of her Narc tendencies but I found a book
"Adult Childrenbfor Emotionally Immatire Parents"
Mind bending. It also has strategies for managing them. It was like reading the story of my life I a way no one had ever understood it before. Word for word.
It's on Kindle and it hasnt been a magic wand bit I felt at last like I wasnt imagining how awful it has sometimes been.
Thanks for reading this thesis xx