Mother's Day rant

[Tweacle]

So, yesterday we celebrated our mum, she and dad live with me, single brother is in our bubble. Brother has a drink problem I believe. Was all fine, eating nice food, brother is I notice tipping gin down his neck rather fast. No issue he's 43 can do what he likes. He's also a massive piss taker, if he can take the piss out of anything he will. My husband is telling dad the shelves in the shed need fixing, brother cracks a joke about being wonky. I reply with Yh bit like you, again joking. He picks his plate up and flings it at me. Calls me a fucking cunt and walks out. I've told mum I don't want him here for a bit, he needs to grow up, stop drinking and say sorry. She's adamant that he doesn't remember so it's ok. Aibu to stick to my guns x

I'd want him to stay away too at least until he apologises for his behaviour

You’re asking if it’s unreasonable to keep someone who threw a plate at you and called you a cunt in your own house out until he apologises?

Of course that’s not unreasonable!
Your mum is very very unreasonable if she continues to ask him over knowing he behaves like this. If she kicks off tell her she’s welcome to move in with him instead.

It’s your house

YANBU he was totally out of order. Does your mum have form for minimising his bad behaviour and not challenging him?

Ummmm not unreasonable to ask him to stay away at all. He was violent physically and verbally. He might have a problem and until he faces that he doesn't enter your home again.

Hang on.

You’re asking if it’s ok to not have the adult male who threw something at you and called you a cunt in your house???

It sounds like your mum is so desperate to avoid confrontation/unpleasantness that she’d rather pretend it didn’t happen than deal with it. But it did happen and it’s not acceptable. You’re well within your rights to decide who can and can’t come over. Burying heads in the sand means his behaviour will continue unchecked.

If it's your house its your rules. You should feel safe in your own home.

He's so pissed that he can't remember his bad behaviour? That'd be the last time I'd be entertaining him. His bubble has just burst!

He doesn't remember the incident - how very convenient.
I'd have to drink a lot to forget about what I said or did when drunk, and I have never been that drunk - not ever. Even at my most insanely drunk (teetotal these days) I have never forgotten what I did or said.
I'd ban him from my house and most definitely ban him drinking in my house. That is totally unacceptable.

@CrazyKitkatLady

You’re asking if it’s unreasonable to keep someone who threw a plate at you and called you a cunt in your own house out until he apologises?

Of course that’s not unreasonable!
Your mum is very very unreasonable if she continues to ask him over knowing he behaves like this. If she kicks off tell her she’s welcome to move in with him instead.

Told her that this morning. Her reasoning for his behaviour is that he's got a stressful job ffs. He's like a small child, the drink just makes him unbearable. I can't believe she's sat there saying he's stressed. He threw a plate at me ffs.

@EL8888

YANBU he was totally out of order. Does your mum have form for minimising his bad behaviour and not challenging him?

Yes she does. Ever since he was small. There's always a reason in her eyes. It's driving me bloody mad. I'm gutted that he behaved like that to me. Just gutted.

@Shehasadiamondinthesky

He doesn't remember the incident - how very convenient. I'd have to drink a lot to forget about what I said or did when drunk, and I have never been that drunk - not ever. Even at my most insanely drunk (teetotal these days) I have never forgotten what I did or said. I'd ban him from my house and most definitely ban him drinking in my house. That is totally unacceptable.

That's his favourite saying, has been for years. To be frank he's got a drink issue I'm sure of it. Yet everyone apart from me seems to almost normalise it !

He wouldn't be crossing my doorway again for a long time, he'd have to apologise and there be no drinking whilst he was there. You parents can see him elsewhere.

Omg no, YANBU at all! I have a relative who had a terrible drink problem and caused all sorts of trouble. I know it's an illness etc, but minimising it will not help at all. And you do not have to tolerate him in your home after he did that to you.

Your brother might not remember it, but you do.

Unless he’s a respiratory doctor his job isn’t that stressful that it should send him into a stopper. I have a stressful job but I don’t go about getting so drunk I throw plates at family.

He might not remember it - people with alcohol issues often don’t. However, that doesn’t excuse him. Talk to him on the phone at a time when he won’t have taken a drink (if you know when that’s likely to be) and calmly explain what happened, saying that you know he probably won’t remember this, but this is what happened, and you are really worried about his health. Offer help, and ask for an apology. If he neither apologises, nor accepts he has a problem, explain that until he gets some help, he won’t be welcome in your house, that you still love him, but that he has to sort himself out.
Make yourself available to him for talking on the phone in the meantime.
Sadly OP, he will only stop when he decides to - but you don’t have to put up with his bad behaviour while he has decided not to.

Just tell her "My house, my rules" as I'm sure she told you many times growing up. He flung a fucking plate at you

Yes, he's got a drink issue, and an anger management issue, and a sense of entitlement issue.

I don't care how damned stressed someone is, if they come round, get pissed, and swear at me and throw a plate at me, they won't be back, certainly not until they've owned their behaviour, apologised, and promised it won't happen again. Family, friend, anybody. And it sounds very unlikely that will happen, particularly if he'd got himself in such a state that he may not remember.

Was it your gin he was necking?

I'd be telling my mother that it's my house, it's not up to her, that I'm fed up with his bad behaviour and her enabling behaviour, and he's not going to be allowed in the door until the above has happened. And if that's never, then so be it.

Where is the line for your mother

If the plate had hit you
If the plate had hit her
If he had smashed it on your head
If he .....

Dont ask her permission, its your house and you can establish your own boundaries. If DM wants to see aggressive, drunk B then she will have to go for a walk with him.

You could say aggressive, drunk B can come to your house again if he is sober and doesnt drink alcohol while he is there. But I doubt he will accept the invitation.

YANBU. Please stand firm and ban him. For good preferably.

Yanbu in any way

She's adamant that he doesn't remember so it's ok.

That makes it worse.

Your brother needs to face the truth. He is a violent drunk. He criminally assaulted you. Do not allow that to be minimised. He needs to stop excessively drinking, and if he can't do that by himself he needs to get help.

Your parents need to face the same truth.

You have every right to report the assault to the police yourself. I'd say the chance of a conviction is zero, but it might make it clear to your brother and parents how serious this is. And if it's your house, you'd be entirely within your rights to not allow alcohol in.

@SeaToSki

Where is the line for your mother

If the plate had hit you
If the plate had hit her
If he had smashed it on your head
If he .....

Dont ask her permission, its your house and you can establish your own boundaries. If DM wants to see aggressive, drunk B then she will have to go for a walk with him.

You could say aggressive, drunk B can come to your house again if he is sober and doesnt drink alcohol while he is there. But I doubt he will accept the invitation.

I've told her she can go to his, be his bubble as I don't want to. It's all very odd, she saw and heard him, yet she feels sorry for him. His job isn't that stressful, he's working from home and has a lot of support. I'm gutted to be honest. It's all minimised, I've just said to her mum he threw a plate at my head, she says I know but he didn't mean it. I'm banging my head up a wall here.