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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ghosted by long term friend

43 replies

Aussiebird99 · 14/03/2021 18:34

I have been ghosted by a long term friend. She’s pregnant with her first child and the last time I spoke to her she said she only wanted to surround herself in calm energy during her pregnancy. Which I now since realise wasn’t me!

She has ignored my last 4 texts, stopped taking my calls. I don’t even know what isn’t ‘calm’ about me - I haven’t seen her in person for over a year. I am so offended to be honest.

Aibu to be SO offended? I have really tried to check she is ok but she’s gone off social media too aswell as ignoring my calls etc. I don’t even know what I have done wrong or what is wrong with my ‘energy’.

WTF! It’s really made me feel paranoid, like there’s is something wrong with me. I have loads of other good friends who clearly don’t have a problem with my ‘energy’, whatever that even means.

OP posts:
CoRhona · 14/03/2021 18:47

From her pov I would suggest your texts, social media checking and calls might have been a bit much...

RosemarysCat · 14/03/2021 18:49

Are you quite intense or needy as a friend?

Are you currently involved in any drama or post anything stressful on social media.

Original poster
Aussiebird99 · 14/03/2021 18:52

@RosemarysCat no and no! Am barely on facebook to be honest.

@CoRhona I was just checking up on her as she’s pregnant but then because I didn’t hear anything, was worried. We’ve been friends 20 years.

OP posts:
EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 14/03/2021 18:54

I'm not pregnant but I have had to say something similar recently to a friend. I have a lot going on at the moment in my life and her texts are always dramatic and attention seeking. I'm not "no longer her friend" "ghosting" or "don't care" I just know that if I text her for anything, the subject is diverted back on to her drama almost immediately and I just don't have the headspace for her at the moment.

Original poster
Aussiebird99 · 14/03/2021 18:57

I’m just a normal person with kids & a job- I don’t have a life full of drama. I have lots of friends & have never had an issue with anyone like this before. It’s made me feel paranoid.

OP posts:
NaughtyNell · 14/03/2021 18:59

Let her get on with it, not worth bothering with

HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee · 14/03/2021 19:03

She has not ghosted you,she’s said she’s changed her priorities because of pg
Don’t call,or text her but do acknowledge the birth and await her response
You’ve not necessarily done anything wrong but 4 texts is excessive
Blocked your calls,She’s definitely sending you a message loud and clear

Strangekindofwoman · 14/03/2021 19:05

I'd eye roll at all the calm energy bonkersness and leave her to it.

Original poster
Aussiebird99 · 14/03/2021 19:06

@HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee as she’s stopped all contact, I won’t know if the baby has been born anyway.

We used to speak every week so I don’t think 4 texts is excessive when you have been close friends for 20 years

OP posts:
JuniLoolaPalooza · 14/03/2021 19:08

It is really upsetting OP, I was ghosted by a "friend" who seems to now want to know me again. Total headfuck as I'd thought we were close. I was wrong. If you can be dropped so easily so can she. Don't bother with her anymore and concentrate on people who do want to be friends. It's so sad and difficult but anyone who can be like this isn't a friend.

Easterbunnygettingready · 14/03/2021 19:10

When the baby arrives and the bubble has burst she will be kicking herself...

helpmum2003 · 14/03/2021 19:10

It's very upsetting OP. You just have to let it go, nothing else you can do. But don't go running if she clicks her fingers....

Teentitansonloop · 14/03/2021 19:10

I'd say that she must be very fearful about the pregnancy, is worried about her mental health etc. She's maybe had losses in the past? It sounds like she's not got any energy for social interaction of any kind and has retreated into some sort of 'safe space'. If you're not a particularly dramatic person then I would just leave her to it. It must be hard if you've not done anything wrong, hopefully she'll lighten up once the baby is here, although I wouldn't be on it at the same time.

HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee · 14/03/2021 19:11

Oh, yes I suppose so. I just thought given it’s a 20+year friendship acknowledge new baby
I’d send a card at birth and leave it at that. She’s made a very definite statement
I can understand why it feels hurtful. It’s counter intuitive, most new parents lean in for support they dont cut out folk with minimal explanation
Blocking your calls. That’s very powerful

Let it go, otherwise you risk looking bulgy eyed and desperate

tonyharrisonboosh · 14/03/2021 19:12

I'm in a sort of similiar situation but haven't been ghosted as such.

Pregnant friend of 20 years, who I used to speak to regularly and see at least once a month has gone a bit distant. I don't think either of us have done anything wrong but lockdown hasn't helped as I havent been able to spend anytime with her in comparison to when I went through my pregnancy 5 years ago. I have text a few times and get very brief replies a few days after I've sent the original message. I was a bit upset but have just decided to give her some space and if she wants to talk, I'm here. Until then I'll just focus on my family and other friends!

greendress789 · 14/03/2021 19:13

Calm energy 🙄

Just leave her to it.

EssentialHummus · 14/03/2021 19:16

It’s hard to know tbh; we don’t have her side of the story. But a) covid has done all sorts to people’s relationships, including friendships - the volume of posts on here about ghosting/contact/checking in/meeting up etc is bananas lately - and b) however sad or unreasonable if you’re giving off the “wrong energy” for her she’s allowed to go off and find different energy. No, it doesn’t make it any less hurtful or confusing to you, and I’d suggest it’s rather unkind/self-centred unless there is a massive backstory.

Spied · 14/03/2021 19:16

Sounds like she's either anxious and overwhelmed or she's turned a bit new-age.
Either way I think all you can do is leave her alone and be there when she's ready to resume contact (or not). I'd not go persuing a pregnant lady for answers.
Of course, it would be interesting to hear her side of why she's ignoring you...

Original poster
Aussiebird99 · 14/03/2021 19:17

@tonyharrisonboosh yes, I am focussing on my family & other friends too. It’s really upsetting though, especially as I have been through pregnancy twice myself

OP posts:
Mum497 · 14/03/2021 19:17

It sounds to me like she isn't a true friend anyway if she's just going to cut you off like that without even telling you why. As upsetting as I can imagine it is to be treated like that by a 'friend' you've known for so long you are much better off without her in your life.

Just mourn your relationship with her privately and move on with your life Daffodil

Parentpower20 · 14/03/2021 19:22

@Teentitansonloop

I'd say that she must be very fearful about the pregnancy, is worried about her mental health etc. She's maybe had losses in the past? It sounds like she's not got any energy for social interaction of any kind and has retreated into some sort of 'safe space'. If you're not a particularly dramatic person then I would just leave her to it. It must be hard if you've not done anything wrong, hopefully she'll lighten up once the baby is here, although I wouldn't be on it at the same time.
This. When something really traumatic happened to me (a crime) I ghosted lots of people. It wasn’t about them, it was because I was in a crisis and could only cope with letting a handful of people in. I’ve reconnect with many of them and they’ve thankfully understood.
Jeschara · 14/03/2021 19:24

Move on, I really could not be bothered with her. I find what she said very irritating.

Original poster
Aussiebird99 · 14/03/2021 19:25

@Parentpower20 I get that - but why not just say that to me rather than saying I have the wrong energy which is way more insulting and vague.

OP posts:
TheYearOfSmallThings · 14/03/2021 19:26

Are you sure everything is going OK with the pregnancy though, OP?

If she has always previously been reasonable, but she is suddenly feeling the need to only think positive thoughts and not keen to answer questions as to whether everything is going well... maybe there is a risk of some kind that she doesn't want to talk about?

Newchances · 14/03/2021 19:26

Sorry to hear this is happening to you,similar happened to me and I still don't know why. I had to realise I couldn't control it,her actions or thoughts are not my doing and that if she chooses to belive everything she thinks is true then so be it...acknowledge the birth but try and not waste time thinking or grieving about thus person any more

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