Ghosted by long term friend

[Aussiebird99]

I have been ghosted by a long term friend. She’s pregnant with her first child and the last time I spoke to her she said she only wanted to surround herself in calm energy during her pregnancy. Which I now since realise wasn’t me!

She has ignored my last 4 texts, stopped taking my calls. I don’t even know what isn’t ‘calm’ about me - I haven’t seen her in person for over a year. I am so offended to be honest.

Aibu to be SO offended? I have really tried to check she is ok but she’s gone off social media too aswell as ignoring my calls etc. I don’t even know what I have done wrong or what is wrong with my ‘energy’.

WTF! It’s really made me feel paranoid, like there’s is something wrong with me. I have loads of other good friends who clearly don’t have a problem with my ‘energy’, whatever that even means.

@TheYearOfSmallThings well, because she has ghosted me, I don’t know if everything is going ok. I asked a few times as friends would but no response.

I would possibly wait and see, and mentally cut her some slack until she surfaces again (if she does).

It is possible she's just dropped you, but you may find out later that something was going on that wasn't really about you. I know it sucks, and you obviously need to invest in your other friendships, but keep an open mind if she's been a good friend otherwise.

I’m going to be mean here and may get crap for it but I don’t care.

I was hospitalised last year and had my premature baby who died after birth. I didn’t know I was going to lose him - we kept being reassured by medical professionals. However two days before my son died I told EVERYONE I wouldn’t be in touch as I wanted to focus on pregnancy and only positive thoughts. This wasn’t an attack or slight on anyone- I was genuinely not in a place where I could talk to anyone. Including my family.

You have taken this so personally and have not respected this persons wishes and bombarded her with messages and calls. YOU are the problem but are clearly not self aware. If a pregnant friend asked me for space I would respect it and simply text, I’m here whenever you need me.

I am pregnant again now and this are so far ok but I have a ton of appointments and risks and do not have the head space for everyday convos so I simply don’t have them- and won’t be telling anyone (apart from partner and medical professionals) until 21/24 weeks.

People don't know about the risks this time round or last time and I didn’t bother explaining other than I needed to be positive /not chat to them for a while.

You don’t know the ins and outs of this friends problems, she could be severally depressed as a result of hormones, have risks, anxiety etc. And yet all you can focus on is poor you being ghosted and how many friends you have who don’t view you this way, wake up- this is not about YOU

@Greenbks fair enough- but actually all I have done is try to be a good friend. I haven’t done anything wrong and last bit of your comment is actually really unpleasant.

And I didn’t ‘bombard’ her at all- I asked a long term friend if she was ok. That’s it.

I’m very sorry for your loss @Greenbks. All the best for your pregnancy

How long has she been with her partner? I’d wonder if she might be having problems with domestic violence and whether she is pushing people away out of embarrassment. Commonly starts during pregnancy. So I’d probably assume that might be the case and cut her a lot of slack so she can call on me if ever needed. Maybe drop her a card close to when baby is due, just wishing her good luck.

No, being a good friend is saying sure. I’ll give you space and then doing it.

The last bit of my message may have been unpleasant to you but they are true. your messages throughout this thread have been focussed entirely on you - you said in your first post your friend needed surround herself with calm energy, but later said That she had told you that you had the wrong energy. Which one is it? I also remember using the words positive energy a few days before my son was born- it really really had nothing to do with anyone. I just wanted to sit there in the hospital room and somehow will my body to save my baby.

I also had an annoying friend who kept texting and calling after I asked for space and it stressed me out. You’ve asked her several times if she’s ok and she hasn’t shared. Maybe she is shit scared of certain things going wrong and saying them out loud or telling someone makes it feel more real. Maybe she is a crap friend and is unfairly ghosting you- but you don’t seem to be a good friend either by bombarding her with messages and calls when she has told you to stop.

I think I am being harsher bcos I am remembering my own experience. Lots of ppl here have advised you to back off and let her come to you which I think is the best thing to do.

@Greenbks I am sorry for your loss too but you are making massive assumptions and projecting loads at me.

[quote Aussiebird99]@Parentpower20 I get that - but why not just say that to me rather than saying I have the wrong energy which is way more insulting and vague.[/quote]
Well obviously that’s the kind and reasonable thing to do. But I didn’t in that circumstance. I just wasn’t in the headspace to be reasonable. I fully admit it isn’t kind or fair. But I think it happens quite often when people have something very hard they are dealing with.
My best advice would be to leave her be and contact her again when she re-emerges. If (I hope not!) something truly awful has happened then it might take her years to be well enough to explain why she acted the way she did. My truly great friends knew me well enough to give me the benefit of the doubt when I was being very very strange and never demanded an explanation. I explained very slowly, over years. All the best.

I admit this thread is triggering for me (not your fault) but I’m not projecting. I’m just shocked at your first post which seems selfish - that’s not me trying to be mean, That’s how I read it and I have re-read it again. You text her 4 times and say ‘calls’ as in more than once. That’s why I said bombarded- others have commented on that being too much too.

I came on her & have you the advice I thought best & to give you my side of the story to maybe allow you to realise this may genuinely be about her health/mental health - I of course don’t know this for sure (as I said in my post above) but everything you’ve said, especially about her coming off social media screams to me that she is struggling. I’ll stop posting now as my messages aren’t meant to be upsetting for you, just giving you another view.

As for the rest of pps saying her bubble will burst/first baby etc - you’ve clearly never had a high risk pregnancy, or perhaps you have which makes it even worse for your comments. Everyone handles things differently - give yourselves a gold medal for being so amazingly sociable and judging a pregnant person you have no idea about.

give yourselves a gold medal for being so amazingly sociable and judging a pregnant person you have no idea about

@Greenbks huh? She’s my friend of 20 years that I spoke to ever week not some person I know nothing about. Jeez.

You also know nothing about me or the experiences I might have had in my life.

@Aussiebird99 that last comment you have highlighted wasn’t meant for you.

If she is cutting you out, there is not much you can do.
You have reached out more than once and she has given you a clear message.

She may have things going on and it's harder with not being able to see people regularly due to covid, but you have done enough. It depends on your friendship, I have a best friend of 20 years if she did this, I would be so sad and worried about her and go knocking on the door, just to check she is ok.

If it's not that friendship, Don't keep chasing, maybe one last message saying you are there for her when she's ready. You are a good person even to be so upset and concerned.

Someone said to me once "choose people,who choose you " in general it's not a bad rule.

It is hurtful OP but try not to blame yourself - might be something going you don't know about - what is her partner like? My best mate's husband was very protective of her when she was pregnant and when baby was born he wouldn't allow visitors for a good few weeks. Thinks he was so exhausted she just went along with it .
Maybe leave it and wait to see if she comes back but it is ok to feel upset xx

I'm sorry you're feeling hurt, I would too.

Speaking from my own experience I found being pregnant utterly consuming because I felt rubbish all the time. I hated being pregnant and had very little space for anyone else, especially those I was closest too for some reason. I felt irritable 95% of the time.

I found myself thinking some really unfair things about my closest friends (like they are too much/I can't cope with them/they don't support me) which were completely unfounded but looking back but were a symptom of my MH and possibly hormones (not sure). So I avoided immediate contact and took longer to respond. It didn't help as it actually made me feel worse over time, predictably.

So what I'm trying to say is she may feel overwhelmed with her pregnancy and what's to come. It's most likely nothing to do with you and your energy. She's actually saying she's got no ability to cope with anything other than whatever calm means to her. If you can, try and take a step back and let her come to you.

If you’re sure there have been no issues between you, leave her to it. She sounds like hard work and it will only get worse once she’s given birth.

Sorry for your loss, greenbks.

Op, I can give you my experience and agree that yes, it is projecting to some extent...

I had a very close friend that I shared all sorts with, extremely deeply personal stuff. Then she started getting weird with me, then sent me a really strange, patronising email out of the blue giving me her opinion on everything that was wrong with me. She had actually made up stuff about me to fit her narrative, which was all very odd.

When I corrected her to deep froze me for months and months. But she wanted to stay on a group chat with me and messaged me about 6 months later about whether I wanted to stay in her and her DH's insurance policy as trustee for DC should they die, and saying that she'd still like to go on yearly group holidays with me and fellow friends

Anyway, back to you. The silence and ignoring you is her drama and energy, she is trying to take the moral high ground and frame you as dramatic and high maintenance while being exactly both of those things herself.

After my 'friend' returned with her lofty demands I added a redirect to her emails so they go straight to the deleted folder and blocked her on everything else.

Life got much easier without her 'energy;.