Virgin at 28?

[meadowbreeze]

This is very cringe, I apologise, please forgive me for this thread. I want to start off by saying I am normal; in all senses of the word my life is just normal. I have a lovely group of friends made up of both sexes, I go on holidays with some during normal times, have a great social life normally.
I am having a bit of a crisis. I will be turning 28 in a couple of months and I will be a virgin. I remember watching the 40 year old virgin when I was younger and laughing about it, but now i'm starting to think this will be me now.
I am not particularly ugly, not awkward, not too loud etc. I have previously had a boyfriend in my early 20s but that only lasted about 7 months and never got sexual for religious reasons. I had some pretty promiscuous friends growing up and hated seeing them in tears, getting the morning after pill every month. I did not want that to be me and promised myself I would wait.
I have never really worried about this, I don't want to sound big headed but I never had a problem attracting guys. I am beginning to feel a bit like this is getting really embarrassingly late.
It is a personal decision and I don't care what others do but I really am not interested in a one night stand. How are people doing this? I feel like my life is just running away from under me. This thing started when I was 26 but I'm knocking on 30 and my social life, and my friends is depleting. I'm losing hope I'll ever find a partner and start a family.
Please tell me I am not the only non-nun soon to be 28 year old virgin?

@Nancydrawn great q's. It was both of us. I wouldn't personally want to until I'm married if I am completely honest, that's in a dream world though. Funnily enough he is still single from what I hear. This is the kind of desperate thoughts I am subjecting myself to .
Outside of COVID there is a lot of scope to find someone if you put yourself out there eg volunteering projects etc, it does get harder as you get older just because religious people tend to get married younger, but its not impossible. Either way, I mostly wanted to know if I seem strange for being this age.

@Neap hahaha I had a friend like you from my church. My sister was same too. In fact, she didn't wait till uni.

I am the same age as you but not religious. I had a boyfriend at school but he seemed so experienced compared to me I thought I wouldn’t measure up so I didn’t sleep with him and split up. Then poor mental health and other reasons meant I didn’t meet other people and now COVID. Now I wish I’d just got over myself and done it then! There will be more people than you think, nowadays women are much freer to have more sex and sexual partners (which I am totally for) it can seem like everyone is doing this but they aren’t.

Two of my closest friends are still virgins - both in early 30s. They are both very attractive, very outgoing, successful careers. I can genuinely say there is nothing wrong with either of them, but they have never had sex. Not for religious reasons - they've just never met someone they've been in a relationship with longer than a few months.

It is extremely hard to meet someone these days, which makes it a lot worse. It is so much more common than you think.

Aha! In that case, I'd say it's particularly not atypical to be a virgin at your age.

You're right that religious people tend to get married earlier, but it's not outside the norm for religious people to be single in their mid-20s (and I think you get to dock a year from your age due to covid).

But no, I don't think you're strange, nor do I think you'd feel right just having sex to have had it.

I do think, though, that you should be super clear and up-front with your potential partners that you're looking for a serious marriage relationship. (And I'm sure you are up front about this.) It'll make it more difficult to find someone, but it'll also make it easier to find someone who's on your wavelength.

I have a few friends who were similar to you, and once they found their partner, they were married pretty quickly (within a year) and pregnant pretty soon thereafter (within a few months, so about 18 months from meeting to married and pregnant). It was accelerated by everyone going into the relationship knowing exactly what they wanted out of it.

It's certainly not the path I followed, but I don't think it's a strange or peculiar one! Perhaps unusual in modern society, but not weird.

@Nancydrawn you've been so lovely, thank you. I think in my religious circles it would be seen as very disrespectful to go into any relationship without view of marriage so those conversations don't really need to happen ever unless you're looking outside.
Yes, the speed of things has often scared me. It is the reason why me and my bf broke up. It was a really hard breakup as I really liked him and we were a mess for a long time after. When I say this to my non religious friends they think I'm taking the mick. They really don't understand that 7 months is the wedding planning stage lol. I don't agree with it at 20, and I'm really glad I got out of it, I have two friends I grew up with that were divorced by 24 because of this. On the other hand my oldest sister got married at 21, exactly a year after meeting the guy. They've been happily married for 10 years now and have 3 kids. He was 29 though and I think when you're older, even in non religious circles it's more common for things to go quicker as people just know what they want. I think for religious kids its often that they're very desperate to have sex and they just get married to do it, not realising how difficult marriage is and how much you change in your 20s.

@meadowbreeze please please don't worry! It's very normal. I worked in health care for many years and I would say met someone weekly who wasn't sexually active and hadn't been and they would be ages 20s-50s. There are so many reasons including not meeting the right person, religion, family caregiving responsibilities, working abroad, etc.

Sounds to me like you are level headed, mature and have lots to offer the right person.

It's nothing to be ashamed of at any age. I think there is too much pressure around virginity out there now, and especially from ourselves. I was 26 but I knew since I was a teenager I was a lesbian and pushing myself into sleeping with men was the worst thing for me and I wish I could go back and change things now.

When you meet the right person I'm sure they won't be put off by this at all

I think that's really smart and thoughtful. You don't just have to be with the right person, you also have to be in the right place yourself. I think this is a mistake people make very often--they think that just because they've found a good person, it's time to get married, when they're really not ready for marriage.

My general feeling is that marriage isn't a great call until your frontal cortex is entirely developed! That's usually around 25. Some people are ready faster, but that's the age where it begins to make sense for me. (For the record, historically that's about average as well. In England, from the time we have good records until the 19th century, the average age for marriage for (non-gentle-) women was about 25, and men about 26-7.)

In any case, you sound utterly lovely and I'd be very unsurprised if you found someone soon (even your ex--who knows how you might connect now that you're both grown up). And even if you don't, I think you can live a full and fulfilling life, which it sounds like you do. I wouldn't focus on the virginity too much. It's not the life you chose to lead. I'd take pride and agency in that. Not that it's the right way, but that it's the way you chose and you're living the life that is best for you.

When I was a teenager, I would have been horrified at the thought of being a 30 year old virgin.

Now, (I'm a similar age to you) I'm single, and would be up for dating/company and maybe some kissing, but I find sleeping with blokes often leads to heartbreak and regret. I would have sex again, but they'd have to be really be something special (to me at least), and have built up trust, be patient etc.

Sorry my point was, I guess regardless of the past, we're both voluntarily celibate atm. I reckon if you want to loose your virginity, you should try to find someone lovely. You've waited this long, no point just going out and having a fling with a player.

I got pregnant 15 and dumped. I didn't have sex again until 27 at which point i met my now partner. I was still pretty sexually clueless but trust made all the difference, went slowly and now have a beautiful baby. Really happy .

Never too late. Try not to fixate. Relax.

OP, your body, your rules. Please also be aware though that the virginity = purity concept is very male driven and full of hypocrisy.

What concerns me more is how you spoke about your friends by labelling some as “pretty promiscuous“ which is so judgemental. I became happilly sexually active in my mid teens (40s now), and wouldn’t regard anyone as a friend who gave me that title. Neither was anything “lost” when l started having sex.

Your body, your rules, l get that but respect that friends may feel differently without giving them judgey labels.

@StarlightLady I concur. What discourse has been spun in so many lives? So much patriarchal misogynistic bollocks. Although it's not the judgmental attitudes so much as the pure romanticisation of sex and the "right man". What terrifying indoctrination.

I wanted to give the other perspective on this post. I was 15 when I lost my virginity and now cringe at how young I was. I was in a relationship with a nice boy so it was all as consensual as it could have been at 15 but I was underage & now wish I had waited a bit (at least until it was legal). I would hate to think of my kids having sex so young & when I look at my 13 year old who is still like a little kid, I really do cringe.

Hey OP!
Just wanted to say you are not alone, please don’t worry!

I’m 34 and virgin.
For different reasons (asexual and sex repulsed).

@StarlightLady I am sorry if my choice of words upset you. I really don't mean to offend and I completely respect the other end of the argument. Is it the word that's causing offence?

Just to give some perspective, I grew up in a city absolutely obsessed with the show skins. I don't mean this trivially. We wanted to look like them, behave like them and it influenced my teen years massively. This led to most of my friends having sex really early in secondary school. I am sure some were completely fine, but I remember consoling my best friend and another girl who ended up having sex with someone at a party high on methadrone (the plant fertilizer). I am sure some of the upset was due to shame inflicted on them by the system, and I agree that the concept of virginity is questionable. But, they themselves would agree that it was too early and it was horrible watching it all unfold. When I say some of them were promiscuous I mean that in a very matter of fact way. I also never said they were all girls either, you've assumed that. My friends had a lot of sex, with a lot of people and before they were legal. I also don't think they lied about it. I get that that a lot of people do that but at the time it caused them a lot of pain and in a way, paved the way I view it. I don't think that's that controversial.
Although we have v different lifestyles, I am close to two of them and they laugh at me for still not having sex. They often comment that I'll likely be the only wedding they go to as it's just not their thing. I would never want to disrespect them with my choice of words, but in my books promiscuous is just a person who has a lot of sex, in a lot of places and back in my teen years, it was a compliment.

@Bmidreams I'm sorry you feel that way. If it makes you feel any better, men and women have the same expectations in terms of stuff before marriage around me. It's not really a case of waiting for the dreamy right one, rather it's just something that should be done between two people that care and love each other. I think that's probably what most people outside of religion would agree with up until a decade or so ago.

I do feel that outside of my religious bubble the world is very different and a lot of women are very hurt by the way they want to live, whereas a man would probably be high five'd.

@Aussiebird99 Sorry you feel that way. I hope my post hasn't made you feel bad. There's nothing wrong with 15, and it sounds like you were both quite happy with it at the time.
There's so much stuff I cringe about doing at 15 and wish I hadn't. My younger sister is about to turn 15 and the thought of her going to illegal squat raves and smoking weed on a school night fills me with dread.

Being a virgin in your 20s is very unusual as people usually have boyfriends or girlfriends

Judging by the comments on here it’s really not that unusual. Not everyone has boyfriends or girlfriends. Some are busy/shy/social anxiety/ careful/picky. Some are not sexually driven.

I lost mine at 20. I didn’t meet anyone l liked properly until then.

In religious circles sadly the the pool gets smaller as you get older and there are always more girls than boys, so the boys get their pick! It’s annoying but true, none of my religious 28+ male friends feel that clock ticking.
In my experience (being a few years ahead of you), there’s a bit of a second wave around your age. Yes, lots get married young (lots because they are desperate to have sex...), but then there is also a bunch who had fun being unattached in their 20s and learnt more about themselves and feel more ready for marriage later. I was one of the latter and I am glad I waited.
I find it does help if you live in a big city and go to a big church with lots of people your age, you’re more likely to meet someone. Or try online. Also depends how important it is to you that your partner shares your faith.
Your time will come - don’t feel the need to settle. And yes, sex is good, but being married to someone who calls out the best in you and cherishes you is the best (and makes for better sex too...)