Worried I come across as dull and lacking in knowledge

[Dragisnotacontactsport]

I've always been quiet, shy and introverted which I think there is nothing wrong with at all, we're all different.

However I feel like I come across as dull and uninteresting, even though I've lived an interesting life so far.

I often have nothing to say, I just go blank and cannot think of anything. I try to ask the person about themselves which I've been instructed to do previously.

I relish time alone when I don't have to speak. I don't mind texting online as it requires much less energy.

I don't read much, I enjoy reading articles but I'm not interested in reading classic novels or literature. If somebody asks me to name a favourite book I couldn't say. I like films though.

I occasionally make myself read a book every now and again but most of my reading is on the internet.

I have specific interests, I like learning about different cultures and how they live. I was learning about prisons yesterday, and have a large interest in crime, I recently watched the Ted Bundy documentary.

I have limited understanding of history, I failed the subject at school and don't know how to comment on it.

I know about key historical events, but nothing further than that, and if somebody tells me something I don't really know what to say other than, oh that's interesting, or something along those lines.

I've never understood how people can have a long discussion about things that happened in the 18th century, for instance.

We watched a program about the North passage recently, and I hadn't even heard of it until that point.

My boyfriend is very interested in history and I think I feel stupid sometimes. If we pass a church for instance he will know everything it and I will just be like oh.. that's a pretty church.

I have a degree and a Master's, and i don't think I'm unintelligent, just that something is lacking.

I could recite many statistics and facts about the lockdown and the Government strategies, I could discuss the Megan Markle and Harry incident, I could talk a lot about Ru Paul's Drag Race, and so on. Just generic subjects or popular culture.

I like watching programs about health or for instance I've really enjoyed watching It's a sin recently.
Sorry if I've rambled on a little, I hope this makes sense.

I guess the answer is read more about history and maybe just read more in general? I just don't know how to talk about it though. It seems like people just recite facts to each other.

I'm sure my boyfriend wouldn't be with me if he didn't find me interesting or intelligent enough, but this also extends to my family when they have certain discussions, I've nothing to add.

OP, where has this come from? I mean did something happen recently or did someone say something to you?

As you rightly say we are all different and tbh I am an extrovert but I relish time alone not doing anything / not speaking to anyone. I'm similar to you in that I don't read 'classic' novels etc but I can wax lyrical about e.g. skin care. I'm not a history buff either but that's really nor here or there.

Life would be indeed boring if we were all the same!

Thanks for your reply. Nothing has really happened as such but I've got the impression that some people think I'm dull, and myself I just find myself struggling for conversation when I'm speaking to or seeing people. Apart from my boyfriend or close family, an hour is about the maximum I can spend with people.

Yeah, I guess I've overthought the history thing, my boyfriend sometimes says he feels like he's 'lecturing' me about it, and sometimes when we're in a group with his friends, topics like Marxism will come up and I'll have zero idea what to say.

You sound like someone I would be friends with. I also le interesting documentaries- but I forget a lot of things so find it hard to converse sometimes. But I also lile drag race, and current affairs.

You sound really intelligent. You can prove that with your studies. It's ok to be a bit introvert. It's OK to not have an obsession with something (like history).

If someone asks what your favourite book is just tell them you much prefer films. I love reading but all I manage these days is mumsnet and Facebook!

You have a masters so, bluntly, you can't be that thick. It sounds like you have a wide range of interests, from pop culture to the more academic. That's healthy.

Your boyfriend seems very interested and focused on rote learning facts and dates from one topic, history, which you now feel vulnerable on. Has he said or insinuated something you you on this? What's his education?

Did you feel intellectually inadequate before dating him?

There's a lot to be said of those who know their intellectual limits! I know I can't discuss certain parts of history either so if the mood takes me I'm happy to learn / be informed but not be lectured. The tedious people are those with an opinion on absolutely EVERYTHING!

I'm wondering if you've ever looked into autism or adhd OP?

I hope you don't mind me asking, I didn't know about them until my diagnosis in my mid 30s, and now I always feel like I should ask when I wonder about it.

I ask because there's something very familiar in the logical way you write - also how your mind goes blank, how you don't seem to instinctively understand how conversations work, and how you have been told to ask others about their interests in the past.

Either way it's not a problem to be like this, and I often think that "boring" people are sometimes the happiest or most content, without any need for performances.

You sound like me OP. I also have degree and masters but if you asked me about my degree now I could barely tell you anything, masters is different because it's job based. For some reason I just feel like my brain retains information the way everyone else's does, I've noticed it my whole life that I lack general knowledge. I often at times have wondered if I am full and/or boring and I think to people that first meet me that might be the case. But my close friends and family love me and would say I am in no way boring, and I care about what they think of me rather than random people I may meet at work. I've learned to not really care. I don't think you sound dull and boring at all, you sound open minded to things also which is good. If you're happy keep doing what you're doing.

OP I do sympathise. My fear being uninteresting came from an ex at university who broke up with me because his family didn’t think I was intelligent enough for him and I hadn’t read enough books. I was widely read but hadn’t apparently read the “right” books whatever they may be!!!! From then on I was wasn’t sure of myself in conversations and when out socialising and the conversation would turn to politics or whatever I would sort of freeze up. Just to be clear I have a degree and two full professional qualifications.

I love being dull. My Facebook posts are duller than dish water. Unfollow me if you're bored. Why is being dull bad? I think it means freedom.

Not everyone can be life and soul of the party... Very few can be centre of attention. OP honestly everyone is different and it really doesn't matter what other people think of you. Is this uncertainty coming from you or how your boyfriend and his friends/family treat you?

You are obviously not thick at all. Im similarly qualified to you.. I read loads but rarely like classical novel's, watch and read lots of crime drama and science/nature that I then forget about... don't have a favourite book, no hobby I'm obsessed by. I like history but don't remember it in great detail and would be no use on a conversation about Marxism....

I'm somewhat shy have learnt to be outgoing when needed. I have general questions and comments I use with people I don't know... It's exhausting. But it helps me find similar people to myself & some more outgoing people love having the audience and then conversation flows so that works well.
I'd be your new mate in a social setting!

I find some people try to show off how intelligent they are to me, others don't like the fact I'm not into celebrity gossip & image. I feel like I don't fit in when this happens.

The difference is my DH gets it, he realises I make the effort with his friends and family and supports me... Be true to yourself... Its hard to be someone else

Conversation is a two way process. It’s not all down to you.
You sound interesting and I’d happily have a conversation with you.

I hate discussions about music as I don’t know enough about it. I’ve not read a book in years either. I do enjoy discussions about current affairs and With stuff I don’t know I usually adopt curiosity and ask questions.
It is tiring though!

People have different interests, that's all. It doesn't mean that yours are inferior, or that you are dull for not having the same interests as your bf or his friends. There are things my dp is really interested in and I'm not and vice versa. I sometimes make polite noises when he's telling me something that means very little to me and he does the same to me!

I think your dh and his friends sound a bit pretentious. If he feels like he’s “lecturing you” perhaps he should consider choosing a topic of conversation where you can have more input. I think it demonstrates quite low emotional intelligence on his part not yours.

Thanks everyone.
I think a lot of this stems from an abusive ex and another guy I've dated in the past.

The former told me almost daily that I was boring, people didn't want to know me, I had nothing of interest to say etc.
He claimed he could 'tell' my friends were bored of me, and then once for instance my friend's boyfriend was saying he had been to the gym, I asked him which gym he went to and my ex told me later that it was such a 'boring question' (?!!)
He met somebody else and cheated with her, and banged on about how ' interesting' she was and how she could 'talk about sociology' and 'challenge him'.

Another guy I briefly dated dumped me and said that he 'needed to be challenged more'

A third guy only wanted me as a fwb, when I asked why he didn't deem me good enough for a relationship he said 'i want somebody who's sociable and confident.'
I know that all 3 were just rude, insensitive and not worthy of my time, but I admit it's made me paranoid.

I'm probably overthinking stuff and need to just be proud of who I am and my interests.
The abusive ex was French, and I used to be friends with 2 French girls but not anymore, and I noticed that they all had a strong interest in literature and philosophy so maybe it's more to do with how they're brought up and what is taught at school.

I haven't tested for autism but have considered the possibility of me being on the spectrum.

It sounds like you have lots of interests you me OP - just not history or literature - which is fine.

It might be worth exploring techniques that people with with autism spectrum use to make communication with people easier. I’m not suggesting this definitely applies to you but something in the precise way you write did make me think of it.

Your BF sounds to me like he’s one of those people who likes to learn facts and spout them out. But there is no reason you should share his interests, and it’s also fine to tell him when you aren’t in the mood for a lecture from him.

Just read your last post OP. I think it might be worth arranging for some counselling too - sounds like you are carrying a lot of baggage you don’t need to.

I also do art but don't think anybody would consider me as an artist. They aren't masterpieces but I think my drawings are pretty decent, I've never studied Art formally or anything it's just something i do for fun.
It's just something I need to build confidence in, my boyfriend will look at some pieces I've done and say what he thinks is good and bad, but then he will show me someone on Instagram for instance and say " she's an amazing artist" but he wouldn't ever describe me in that way.

One of the ex French friends never said anything positive about my work, well she said one was 'a start' and then when I sent her a new life drawing she said 'yep, still life is a hard thing to do.'

Anyway who cares what others think I guess, they may think it's shit but I've had some compliments so I know I just need to carry on doing it for fun and not caring.

I'm not an expert but I have the impression that if you repeatedly end up with gits who put you down is because of low self-esteem, you tell yourself it's ok if they treat you badly; it feels so normal you don't realise it's not ok. Their payoff is having someone they can consistently look down on.

Look for a fellow who worships the ground you walk on, OP. You deserve no less.

And reading isn't everything. I read a lot but I have a terrible memory. I've read all Austen novels, lots of Tolstoy inc War and Peace for example, but apart from P & P, I couldn't tell you what happens in any of them!

What did you study? Did you enjoy it? Were you happy to contribute in seminars?

When I talk about history with my partner we're not usually reciting facts, but debating and developing understanding of how the history had impact on people, further history, modernity and how we live now. Or interesting titbits about the subject they may not know.

You don't have to be interested in history, but if you feel like you don't get it then maybe watch some documentaries about historical events - like 'Amend' on Netflix.

If you have a more rounded knowledge on particular subjects you may be more interested.

You sound like you have lots of interests OP, and you sound far more interesting than me!

Don't be fooled into thinking that the common factor amongst the three exes telling you you were boring or not challenging enough for them is you. The common factor was that they were abusive dicks.

I'd be inclined to tell your boyfriend that if you wanted to be lectured on history, you'd have studied history.

And yes, I agree that most people have subjects they can't talk about. My friends can talk about music for hours and honestly I couldn't give a shit. I don't know anything about music and not do I care except to listen to it.

As you said, it’s definitely ok to do your art cos you enjoy it too. You might not need to be told that again but I’m a perfectionist and I feel like it took me until adulthood to realise that you can still have a hobby but not be the best. I constantly have to remind myself of that.

You are undoubtedly more interesting than you think. It just depends on the audience.

If your bf likes to talk about churches and facts and dates etc then I can tell you I’d find that incredibly dull. Like you I’d walk in, admire the stained glass and then probably leave.

But if you sat with some other people who like painting and you had a discussion about paint or whatever you’d probably all have a fabulous time!