Another Mother's Day one

[whatafuckingjoke]

Not sure if I'm being unreasonable here but... I'm self employed and my business is currently closed due to covid. Dh is working and earns good money. I'm getting social welfare but it's not much. I usually transfer it to his account and we work off his account.

I take his card when I go to do the shopping. That's all I do. I'm at home all the time apart from that.
Just now I asked him for money to go and get my mother something for Mother's Day. He said no.
I know he was joking but I felt so humiliated. I've always had my own money and I HATE asking.
So I just left the room.
He followed me about half an hour later and asked me why I wasn't gone to town. I got upset and said that it's humiliating enough having to ask, and since he said no I obviously wasn't going to ask again.

Now he isn't talking to me. He said I'm being ridiculous and he only said no because he was teasing me for asking because I don't have to ask.

But I do. The card is in his wallet. I don't have it. So obviously I have to ask. Anyway he thinks I'm being completely ridiculous and is furious with me.

WIBU to get upset?

Money is such a touchy subject so YANBU to get upset.

You need a longer term plan though, asking for his card isn't really sustainable if you're not earning. Time for a joint account?

Take this as an opportunity to open a dialogue about how you're going to move forward with this, otherwise it'll happen time and again.

I get where you’re coming from, DH does a lot of self employed work so sometimes he has money for extra things and sometimes he doesn’t so he says to let him know if I need something I can’t afford but I heavily dislike having to ask. He doesn’t get it as he’s never been in that situation.
In your situation though I dont understand why you operate from his account and why you transfer your money to him if it all has to be off his card. Only you can know if he was just being insensitive and teasing you or if this is something bigger but I wouldn’t be comfortable with having no access to money.

Thanks for the replies. I'm so used to having my own money and doing whatever I need to (obviously once all bills are covered) and there have been times in the past where he was retraining and I was the higher Earner and I would never have dreamt of saying no to him, joking or not.

He probably was joking but I don't find it funny.

Well, really, he should have sorted Mother’s Day out for you in advance. So he’s being thoughtless.

But I also agree you need a better plan longer term.

He was joking and then told you he was joking,
More importantly because you don't have to ask. I think you've been extremely over sensitive.

@NormanStangerson

Well, really, he should have sorted Mother’s Day out for you in advance. So he’s being thoughtless.

But I also agree you need a better plan longer term.

It was to buy something for her mother. Not for her.

YANBU . It is a big adjustment to not having your own pot of money. Can you both get a card to the account?

I've been in this position and what helped was keeping some disposable income in my own account (like you for various reasons we preferred keeping separate accounts). I just couldn't bear having to ask for money and I don't think an OH can get that unless they've had to do it.

Sorry but I think maybe you should just say oh I’m sorry but I’m just feeling a bit touchy. He’ll probably understand. You’re in a horrible situation but he didnt mean to upset you. X

There's no need for him to be furious about it. I think if you knew he was joking then yabu

Can you just get a joint account? Or make his account into a joint account?

It seems bizarre to keep this set up for a year where you need to ask for his card.

But it also seems a bit bizarre to leave it until today to buy Mother’s Day gifts, to be honest, you’d be lucky to get anything in our town! The queue for M&S yesterday was miles long down the high street and the supermarkets had already replaced the Mother’s Day aisles with Easter stuff on Friday.

Anyway, the important bit is that asking for his card doesn’t work for you, so you need a new solution. A joint account, or him sending you money, or whatever works.

I wouldn’t like this either. Unless there’s something pivotal missing from the story I’m not sure why he’s so angry with you about this? Hes the one who’s upset you by making a not funny joke that didn’t land well and should be big enough to just say he’s sorry. He’s got no right to be so angry with you for being upset.

Weird thing to joke about. He should have at least made it obvious he was joking.

YANBU. It's a huge power imbalance and although he was joking, he is being unreasonable to not see why you might have felt upset. Perhaps he's feeling a bit offended though and will be more able to see your side once he's had some space.

It's a tough situation, OP

If my OH had made a joke that hurt my feelings, he'd explain and apologise. He wouldn't get angry at me, that seems such a weird reaction?

Thanks for all the replies, I probably am being over sensitive.
Regarding leaving it until today, where we live (not in uk) there's no issue with getting stuff today, it was just going to be flowers and chocolate anyway, she's very low maintenance.

I suppose it's just that if he wants to buy something he just goes and buys it whereas I feel I now have to run everything by him.

Put the card somewhere neutral then - if it’s in his wallet you have to ask. If it’s on a shelf or in a shared drawer the conversation turns from ‘can I take the card’ to ‘I’m taking the card’.

Weird thing to joke about. He should have at least made it obvious he was joking.

Perhaps he thought he did? Or thought, knowing him, OP should have know it was a joke (however I'll advised the 'joke' might have been). People intrept things differently when they're already feeling upset about or sensitive to a certein situation, but maybe OP's, husband is thinking 'why would you think I was serious' and feeling misunderstood?

@smeerf it is weird. If I made a joke that he felt humiliated by, I'd be horrified and apologising too. Not throwing a strop because i got called out for it.

Why does only he have a card for the account? Why don’t you keep some of your money for yourself even if he’s covering the bills at the minute?

Having no access to any cash at all is weird and I wouldn’t like it, even if he was joking it shouldn’t even have needed to be a question in the first place

Is there a practical way to deal with this like keeping the garden somewhere you can both get to it so you don't have to ask or having your own card? You could have a joint account that the money is paid into instead of it being his account.

@Cam2020 that's a good point. Maybe that's exactly how he's feeling.
I just feel really sad now. I've text my mother and told her that I'm not feeling well and I'll pop over on Tuesday or Wednesday(I'll have my payment by then and won't be transferring it).

@LawnFever it's his bank account, in his sole name.
All of our savings are joint but he has his account and I have mine. I won't be transferring my money over anymore.

Joint account.

Or he transfers you money to your account regularly.

Or you keep the benefits paid to you.

Either way, don’t let this carry on now.

He should have long ago gotten you a card for his account or credit account. Or you should have a joint account where you each have a card and he makes sure there's always money in it for the family.