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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this is actually worse than No Mother's Day gift?

65 replies

NoNotEver · 14/03/2021 09:12

Woken up early this morning by 3 year old. Resist getting out of bed by turning on the TV for him, but it's no good, he's bouncing around raring to go. OH sleeps in another room, but could surely hear him stomping around the landing and being loud.

Came downstairs to find a card and a little plant on my desk.
Nice gesture I guess, he got me something, more than some years.

But actually, it kind of felt like a slap in the face.
He knew that I'd be up before him, in fact he knew that even after we all got up he wouldn't be up for a considerable time afterwards, such that he'd better stick it on my desk as he'd not be getting up to give it to me until well into the day.

I'd sooner he got me nothing and pretend he forgot it was mother's day so as not to effectively be saying:
"Have a nice mother's day, on your own with three kids, while I stay in bed."

OP posts:

NoSquirrels · 14/03/2021 09:50

I’m sorry it’s shit

When the three-year-old woke up, that was your cue to say cheerily “Let’s go and wake Daddy up!” And then to your husband “I’m going back to bed - it’s Mother’s Day and you’re in charge. Bring me a cup of tea at 9 o’clock.”

Hindsight is a wonderful thing, I know.

But at the very least go wake him up now and take yourself off for a leisurely bath or something.

BlueSussex · 14/03/2021 09:56

Send child in to DH and go back to bed. Or go for a walk.

Lifeaintalwaysempty · 14/03/2021 09:56

Why would you just passively let this happen. He should obviously be getting up and letting you sleep in today and generally have a bit of a relax. If he’s not doing his bit today (or the other days) tell him what you expect/think is fair.

itsgettingwierd · 14/03/2021 09:57

I agree.

My ExDP use to buy me such generous gifts.

Worse less than shit when I discovered it was always after he cheated.

I'd rather have a partner than an empty gift.

Popcornbetty · 14/03/2021 09:59

Op i know how you feel. Dh sleeps deeply in the morning and has selective hearing so I'm always woken by the dc; even on special days like today. This morning i could hear them so told him to get up and he did but silly me did too! I wanted to see my dc as they are only young (my choice though.) We had a nice family breakfast of danishes (i made sure i got dh to get these yesterday so no hassle in morning or mess). Got my cards and little gift from dc (dh wrapped up this mprming frantically last minute but hey at least he tried (in his defence we don't get alot of time as dc are very young and it's relentless) then i went back to bed and instructed dh to bring me a cup of tea! Could you have told him to get up? I think sometimes if they know they can get away with it and that you will just do it they will let you. I have learnt to tell dh what i want and expect so I'm not disappointed!

Erkrie · 14/03/2021 10:00

I agree op. It's pretty shoddy.

StephenBelafonte · 14/03/2021 10:01

As others have said i think the answer is just to take turns having a lie in. Who had a lie in yesterday?

GiveTheGirlAGun · 14/03/2021 10:02

I got up with mine. So excited they were to give me my present that I bought for myself that I instructed him to find a card and wrap. He managed this, just. They snapped the bar of choc by accident and wrapped in kids christmas paper. Card - a white pen was used first time so once they'd sealed the envelope they thought they should change it so ripped it all open, went over it so my dogeared card didn't have an envelope.
Oh and he spilled coffee on the stairs. The lack of care from him gets worse.
Then, presents opened and given, he got back into bed and stayed there while I played under the duvet (hate that game) got cold and was begged to get up at 7:22.
DC's so excited, and made an effort with what she had provided.
When I ltb I shall get a lie in.

Cam2020 · 14/03/2021 10:06

This isnt about mothers day, its about him doing his share of the early mornings all year round. That's what you need to address.
I get it, I've been there.

I agree. On the surface the mothers day upset can seem silly, but it's not really about the one day - the lack of care on a 'special' day just highlights how shit it is every other day of the year.

CallmeHendricks · 14/03/2021 10:09

Look, I don't wish to "victim-blame" here, as he should of course have been more thoughtful. I would be upset and cross in your position too.
But WHY haven't the two of you organised a fair way of dealing with early mornings, by sharing out the lie-ins each weekend? If he's not going to think of you, then you are going to need to be more assertive about it and flag it up.

nimbuscloud · 14/03/2021 10:11

Does he ever do anything? Do you always do everything?

DavidsSchitt · 14/03/2021 10:12

For goodness sake. Every single "disappointed" Mother's Day thread is by women who have set the bar ridiculously low.

Why are you up and about making breakfast? Why doesn't he know already that you expect to be treated properly?

One poster on another thread says she hasn't had a shower for 4 days and the reason for that is that her "DP is a bit crap"

@EggysMom why the fuck did you buy and present him with your own card? That's ridiculous.

I'm so angry and quite baffled as to why all of you women are playing the martyr and allowing your children to think this is acceptable.

MimiDaisy11 · 14/03/2021 10:17

@Daydreamsinglorioustechnicolor

This isnt about mothers day, its about him doing his share of the early mornings all year round. That's what you need to address. I get it, I've been there.

Isn't this more accurate? I would think a plant and card would be an acceptable mother's day present, but it seems your issue is more than just today. It's about you doing more childcare than him.

user1493494961 · 14/03/2021 10:23

I've put Yabu because you should have sent the kids in to him and stayed in bed.

CupoTeap · 14/03/2021 10:27

You knew it was going to be like this - he isn't going to change. Time to decide if you want to live like this or not.

SkySmiler · 14/03/2021 10:34

Totally agree @DavidsSchitt

Livelovebehappy · 14/03/2021 10:36

Communication is the key. Some men have to be spoon fed. The conversion should have been had yesterday, when you said to him that as it was mother’s day today, you would like to have a lie in, so to make sure he’s up and about at a decent time to look after his DCs. And us3 as an opportunity to discuss taking turns going forward. Doesn’t help I guess that he’s not in the same room as you. Then you could have elbowed him in the back to get up. Off topic, it surprises me how many couples seem to have separate rooms to allow DCs to sleep with one or other of them. Not a healthy way for a marriage.

ineedaholidaynow · 14/03/2021 10:42

Men really should not have to be spoon fed. I hope we are all bringing up our sons not to be like this

SwatchIt · 14/03/2021 10:55

@OwlinaTree

Me and my DH take it in turns to get up with the kids. I got up yesterday, he got up today.

Why aren't you agreeing to take turns? Have you talked about this with him?

We did this too and I don’t get why so many don’t do this?!

Candyfloss99 · 14/03/2021 11:04

Why wouldn't you tell your 3 year old to go and wake up his daddy instead?

EnjoyingTheSilence · 14/03/2021 11:09

So why have you not taken your dc into your dh?

OhamIreally · 14/03/2021 11:13

To the poster who said when you ltb you'll get a lie in - yes you will. It's much easier without the weight of unmet expectations.
I think many women go along with the daily drudgery believing that their families value their contribution. Mother's Day is a way for their appreciation to be expressed, so when it isn't, it's an absolute gut punch.

EarthSight · 14/03/2021 11:15

I see why you're upset. There's clearly a lack of understanding or communication in your relationship. Does he understand that you feel unappreciated and taken for granted? That you resent having to take the extra burden with not enough input from him?

Without that understanding, he will just live in blissful ignorance, thinking that you don't mind doing these things by yourself and will think that his gift is a sweet gesture, rather than a reminder of what you are expected to do alone.

Floralnomad · 14/03/2021 11:17

I don’t think there is enough information here to say who is unreasonable . Why is he sleeping in another room , why didn’t you just open the door to his room and point the child in that direction and how old are the other children ? .

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 14/03/2021 11:20

It would be so much better if these men would just pull their weight for the whole year, do 50% of everything, pay 50% of everything - and MD/FD was just dispensed with altogether as a 'norm'. So many women are let down. There's nothing to stop people 'celebrating' it if they choose to but, if not making it a 'thing' was normalised, that would be excellent.

Some women put a lot of sentiment behind gifts where absolutely none was intended. It's hurtful.

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