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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To discourage the idea of “best friends”

40 replies

Opal93 · 13/03/2021 13:56

My youngest son is a sociable little thing, and he is starting nursery soon. When I was young at school everyone was encouraged to have a “best friend.” I really don’t like this idea as I feel I wouldn’t want him to become dependent on one person, and teach him that it’s much healthier to develop a wide circle of friends than have just one person. I didn’t have a best friend and didn’t particularly want one as I’m quite self sufficient and that sort of relationship would have been a bit much for me, but I was made feel like there was something wrong with me for not having one. On the flip side, my friend now had a bestie in primary school and really wishes she’d been encouraged to branch out more as they went to different secondary schools and she was lost without her. She had become so secure in that only friendship that she hadn’t developed the skills necessary to make new friendships and really struggled. I also like the idea that my son values different friends for different things and they all be important to him in different ways, rather than put them in this hierarchy that “best friend” creates. I don’t see why there has to be a ranking system. Do you encourage children to have intense “best friends?”

OP posts:

Shelovesamystery · 13/03/2021 14:06

My 5yo DD has 3 best friends at school and the 4 of them play together a lot (she calls them her besties 😂) and I'm fine with that. I know she plays with other kids as well so I'm not concerned with her having her "besties".

But when she was in preschool there was only one other child that she played with and her keyworker did raise mild concerns that the two girls only played together and with no one else. And then when she started school (different school to the preschool so different children) again she found one other child and just stuck with her and didn't play with anyone else. I encouraged her to play with all the children and make lots of friends and she soon branched out and got more sociable. I don't think it's ideal for children to just stick with one or two friends throughout the whole of primary school.

SunshineLollipopsRainbow · 13/03/2021 14:08

As a teacher I try and encourage children to develop a wide social circle as if they only have one best friend and they're off sick, the child at school struggles without them and that's not a healthy thing to be so dependent on one other person to be happy...ill do the same with my own children.

Starlightstarbright1 · 13/03/2021 14:16

Tbh kids find there own way - best friends is different to to one froend.

My Ds has been part of a triangle friendship .. it wouldn't have been what i planned for him but actually it works.

He has had friends i am secretly delighted with when the friendship ended butbthey find there way

Chimoia · 13/03/2021 14:29

I slightly regret telling my dd to not focus on a best friend, but have a group of friends (after she and another girl were magnetically drawn to each other in nursery and used to fight). She's avoided most of the primary and secondary friendship issues, mostly had really nice friend groups, but apart from once since she has not really developed close friendships or bonds. She's 17 now. I kind of wonder if you need the drama to develop relationship skills.

Chimoia · 13/03/2021 14:31

I think it's OK to say sometimes you'll really click with someone and be close friends, and other times you might be part of a friendship group or just have acquaintances - no way is the wrong way.

StepOutOfLine · 13/03/2021 14:32

Don't overthink it.

eddiemairswife · 13/03/2021 14:33

I had a best friend from when she started at my school at the age of eight right through to the sixth form and beyond. We were pretty much inseparable; always partners in dancing and science lessons. Saw each other most days during school holidays, her parents took me on camping holidays with them. We mixed with plenty of other girls in our class, but were always were known as a pair, E and J. We went our different ways after school, but always kept in touch. I think we both benefitted enormously from our friendship.

Iwishiwereheather · 13/03/2021 14:36

I think you’re being extremely biased. Only highlighting a negative view of having a ‘best friend’ and because having this doesn’t your life then you’re the shining beacon to enlighten and dictate how your sons friendships should be.

I have three people I would consider as best or just my closest friends. I also have many other friends that I could probably go a couple of months without talking to or meeting up but that doesn’t impact our friendship because of some imagined hierarchy.

Firefliess · 13/03/2021 14:37

You can encourage them not to be entirely reliant on just one friend via arranging play dates with different friends. But I don't think you can control whether they have a best friend or not tbh. DD has had a few, mostly not long lasting, but is very sociable with a wide group of looser friends. DS had a firm best friend by the end of reception and stuck with him throughout primary, went to different secondaries but made a new best friend on the induction day who he's now living with (aged 21) and very much still best friends with. I think some people just suit having best friends and not much you can do as a parent to influence wherever your child has one or not.

Shannaratiger · 13/03/2021 14:38

Agree with Sunshine. I'm a school dinner lady and so often hear children saying you're not my best friend so I can't play with you. I don't know if this is just a KS1 thing but they so often say "You're not my friend today but you can be tomorrow" this causes great upset, I've started saying do you mean they're still your friend but they want to play with another child this break and will play with them next break. This is always agree that is what they meant. We are quite a small school with only about 25 in each year.

BrownFootStool · 13/03/2021 14:54

I had a best friend at 7 and we were so tight, teachers used to try and split us up to no avail. We are now 40 and still best friends. She is one of the most valued people in my life and I in hers. If teachers had succeeded in getting us apart and having a wider circle instead, I would be missing that life long friendship.

Neither of us has had any problems making other friends either.

Best friends can be a wonderful thing.

Kids tend to just go their own way though.

WorraLiberty · 13/03/2021 14:56

Just keep out of it.

Best friendship cannot be forced. It happens naturally or not at all.

If it happens, don't interfere. If it doesn't, don't encourage him to 'find one'.

ThePlantsitter · 13/03/2021 15:00

I think making a close relationship with a person is a good thing. I also think having lots of different friends is a good thing. I don't think either way should be discouraged. I do think the 'quest for a best friend' is best avoided and so is the quest for popularity - but I don't think the way any kid makes friends should be disapproved of. If it causes problems the problems themselves should be tackled.

Ohdoleavemealone · 13/03/2021 15:01

I don't think having a best friend is a problem but I would certainly encourage a wider friendship group where possible. For example, DS has a best friend but as soon as COVID is over, I want to invite as many different friends over as I can bear to encourage him to play with others as I think his "best friend" is quite possessive of him at school.

BluebellsGreenbells · 13/03/2021 15:05

Best friendship cannot be forced. It happens naturally or not at all

Totally disagree

In DDs class there were two girls who’s mums were BFF all their lives.

DD got in well with one of them, but their mothers insisted they would be BBF and not invite DD

As soon as school finished they ‘broke up’ and haven’t spoken, much to their mothers disappointment

IntermittentParps · 13/03/2021 15:06

I'm 46 and I still don't really understand the politics of best friends (how do you know? what if you think you're someone's but they think their best friend is someone else...? is there a contract?)

However, looking back, as a kid I do seem to have had a best friend, although it didn't last for ever. I think it probably happens quite organically. I don't agree with schools formally encouraging kids to have a best friend though.

EssentialHummus · 13/03/2021 15:06

I don’t have a problem with the thing itself but I don’t encourage DD (she’s still only little, 3.5) to think that way - I wouldn’t ask her who her best friend is, for example. But you know when their eyes light up at seeing certain kids.

OppsUpsSide · 13/03/2021 15:08

I don’t try to control my DC’s friendships.

WorraLiberty · 13/03/2021 15:11

@BluebellsGreenbells

Best friendship cannot be forced. It happens naturally or not at all

Totally disagree

In DDs class there were two girls who’s mums were BFF all their lives.

DD got in well with one of them, but their mothers insisted they would be BBF and not invite DD

As soon as school finished they ‘broke up’ and haven’t spoken, much to their mothers disappointment

Sorry I'm confused

You've just proved it cannot be forced?

BackforGood · 13/03/2021 15:29

Agree with others saying don't overthink it.
DC have their own personalities and find their own way.

I'm not a believer in the ranking of friends myself, and I've always encouraged my dc to mix in different places and to be nice to everyone. But you can't go out an "pan" who is going to end up being a closer friend than someone else. These things evolve.

One thing I would suggest you encourage, as they get older, is doing something outside of school, so the 'pool' of people to be friends with is wider - sport, music, Scouts, hobby, Sunday school, youth Group, whatever, but just good to mix with more people than your classmates

BluebellsGreenbells · 13/03/2021 15:30

It was forced for 16 years until they had a chance to escape.

I don't agree with schools formally encouraging kids to have a best friend though

I think you’ll find it’s parents that do that not schools.

Midlifephoenix · 13/03/2021 15:40

Don't know anyone who has ever 'encouraged' their child to have a best friend. Quite the opposite - very young friendships seem to change with the wind snd getting too attached to one person can lead to tears.
My daughter had a very possessive best friend in junior school. She was shy but this girl was not the nicest, but they did have a great time. Then in Y8 they grew apart - my daughter was devastated. She now has a good gang if friends, none 'besties' but it means there's always someone to hang out with at break or lunch.
I think you'll find kids make their own choices, snd encouraged or not, they will do their own thing.

WorraLiberty · 13/03/2021 15:40

It was forced for 16 years until they had a chance to escape.

So they were never best friends then?

user1493413286 · 13/03/2021 15:41

I know what you mean, my DD had one specific friend she always played with at nursery and they suggested to me that they were going to encourage the two girls to play with other children as well as each other as they felt it would be better for both girls to have a wider circle of children they play with. It has been good for them and I’m keen for DD to have the opportunity to make friends outside of school/nursery too.
I’m not sure I’d say I’d discourage best friends but I’d definitely encourage having a few friend and seeing different friends for play dates etc

Firefliess · 13/03/2021 15:43

@BluebellsGreenbells

It was forced for 16 years until they had a chance to escape.

I don't agree with schools formally encouraging kids to have a best friend though

I think you’ll find it’s parents that do that not schools.

When I was at school (admittedly a fair few years ago....) we used to always sit in desks for two. And were often told to work with a partner to do x, y, z. I'm not sure it was a deliberate attempt to force us to have best friends rather than just a convenient was to run things. But it did create a situation where you very much needed a BF to get by, and were constantly made to feel that you were an unpopular failure if you ended up without one. There were 13 girls in my class, same class for all lessons, someone was always left without one.

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