To discourage the idea of “best friends”

[Opal93]

My youngest son is a sociable little thing, and he is starting nursery soon. When I was young at school everyone was encouraged to have a “best friend.” I really don’t like this idea as I feel I wouldn’t want him to become dependent on one person, and teach him that it’s much healthier to develop a wide circle of friends than have just one person. I didn’t have a best friend and didn’t particularly want one as I’m quite self sufficient and that sort of relationship would have been a bit much for me, but I was made feel like there was something wrong with me for not having one. On the flip side, my friend now had a bestie in primary school and really wishes she’d been encouraged to branch out more as they went to different secondary schools and she was lost without her. She had become so secure in that only friendship that she hadn’t developed the skills necessary to make new friendships and really struggled. I also like the idea that my son values different friends for different things and they all be important to him in different ways, rather than put them in this hierarchy that “best friend” creates. I don’t see why there has to be a ranking system. Do you encourage children to have intense “best friends?”

This is a really interesting question, OP. My DD is in Reception and has two particularly close buddies and there’s already been some tussles about who is who’s ‘best friend’.

I try to discourage it because when I was in school, this sort of thing was part of low level bullying which then escalated into full blow bullying. And I’m wary of girls’ exclusionary tactics in general.

However, I think it’s probably an unavoidable part of life. And a PP made an interesting point about the drama being necessary for learning.

I try to stick to the line that it’s good to have lots of different friends.

Just let it happen naturally OP. I have three DC and the eldest is 15 now. Between them, they've been in lots of different friend situations over the years - one best friend, a threesome, a foursome, a wider group of friends. There's no single situation that is always better or worse than the others, it just depends on the children involved.

From my experience you have barely any say in this. They’ll form the friendships they form based on their personality. No amount of coaching will change it and their friendships will be whatever they will be.

I disagree. Parents will invite one child, take one child on day trips, invite them for sleep overs, but then a coat or matching hair bobble, but jewelry with best friend in it or note books insist on calling them ‘besties’ keep giving that message. It can be confusing and full on for small children.

all dc are different - some like to have large sociable groups - others just one or two especially if they are reserved or shy dc - while you can encourage them to mix & invite other dc who are class mates as well as close friends - you have to give your dc freedom to choose friends

The only exception is if the friendship is controlling or unhealthy & at this early age that is less likely.
Children should have the freedom to have friends they choose & over time friendship groups change

I wouldn't encourage best friends (I hate that term as it compares the value of our friendships) but I don't think you should descourage any healthy friendship your son has.

I had a best friend who I met aged eleven and we have been close ever since. We now live on the other side of the world from each other so I’m not sure we would count ad best friends now, but we still mean a lot to each other. We also had lots of other friends and were fully intergrated into wider friendship circles. We both spent plenty of time with other people.

I suspect it is a matter of certain personalities forming certain kinds of friendships. I wouldn’t interfer with it as your children will negotiate what kinds of close relationships work for them, as long as they aren’t reducing their entire social contact to one person.

I don't think you should encourage either way, it's best for them to make their own minds up. I've known my best friend all my life - we're like sisters and are in our thirties now, so it can work. We still have other friends and always have done, mutual and individual, but we've both always been drawn to one another above everyone else. Not in a way that's ever been dismissive or exclusionary of others.

It's different for everyone. Some people thrive like this, some people are better with lots of best friends, some people only have one friend. You can't control it really. I don't think it's fair to push either ideal.

Just don't ask "who is your best friend", and encourage play dates with different children. But if it turns out that he finds a soulmate who is his best friend, don't try to split that up - it might turn out to be a really valuable friendship. However there might be something to be said for making sure he does at least one activity the other child doesn't, so that he does have to interct with others.

DD had a closest friend all the way up primary, although I don't think they talked about each other as "best friend" - they just had loads more in common than the other girls in their class. A few times they turned into a threesome but each time the third happened to leave! They were part of a wider group of six, but the others were in other classes.

I had, and my DS is the same, friends from school (still best friends decades later), friends in sports, friends from university, work...even from the daily public bus commuting into the city for work. You gain friends in all walks of life, different personalities with different types of friendships & support. Just encourage friendships...at nursery, in primary, in secondary... as other posters say, it can't be forced...let your DC choose her own & in time she'll know the close ones from the rest. You are massively overthinking at this early stage.

It's not a very helpful way of thinking about friendship... being too reliant on one person is likely to lead to heartache, especially as young children have so little control over their lives. What if one moves away? And there's nothing wrong with less intense friendships.
Also, very few people will have a genuine mutual best friend so it's something of an unrealistic ideal.
Better to encourage children to be inclusive than exclusive in their friendships.

BluebellsGreenbells you say 'I think you’ll find it’s parents that do that not schools.' I was responding to the OP saying 'When I was young at school everyone was encouraged to have a “best friend.” ', which I took to mean encouraged by the school.

I always had one best friend, that person changed throughout school but I only seemed to have one at a time. It wasnt a good thing imo and it's taken a lot of self work to be happier in a group. Now I've got a best friend but I also have a separate group of friends I love dearly.

I tried to encourage my dd(5) to play with everyone but until recently she had a best friend to. Her best friend started excluding her a bit and shes developing new friendships. I try and keep out of it

I think you might be surprised by current thinking on 'best friends'. My DS instantly bonded with a little boy in reception and they have been 'best friends' since. When he was in Yr 2, I asked his teacher for ideas on how to encourage them to widen their circle. She gave me some great advice. She said that whilst some best friendships are toxic and co-dependent, others build emotional resilience and depth. She felt the friendship between my DS and his best friend allowed them both to support each other through the small challenges of school life and she was very impressed by the emotional depth of their friendship. I think it does help that they are both sociable by nature but just prefer each other's company. By contrast, I was like you and had lots of friends at school but they were slightly 'shallower' friendships. My best advice would be to keep a dialogue open with your child's teacher about his social progress.

You can encourage/discourage all you like, unfortunately they often have other ideas! (I do agree with the principle though).