If you’re semi- close to your mum, how often do you speak?

[Athenaena]

There’s so much I could say tbh but we’d be here all night. Ultimately, my mum and I were best friends growing up and until I was about 28. I’m 33 now and over the last 5 years we’ve grown apart which I feel really sad about. I guess I’ve come to the realisation that I just haven’t got a lot in common with her anymore really but at least she used to care, nowadays I feel like that’s not the case.

We tend to facetime once a week, but I’d say the last 5-6 weeks it’s been me that’s calling her every time . It’s usually on a Saturday and I will text her on a Friday saying I’ll call her tomorrow, what time is she free.

When we do talk she seems ‘meh’ from the minute she picks up. All she ever says is ‘oh well, I haven’t really got a lot to say due to this lockdown’
and I get it, none of us do really, but then she ALWAYS, every single time I speak to her, lets slip that she’s spoken to my sibling throughout the week we used to text each other throughout the week too up until a few years ago, now we rarely do.

Today I was going to send the usual message and then I thought, no, I’m not going to message, I’ll see if she messages me (she hasn’t) or calls me tomorrow or whether I just won’t hear from her for another week?

I just feel sad, all of my friends are so close to their mums and I used to be with mine but she just seems to have little interest in me anymore A few years ago I did what I did tonight and I didn’t speak to her in 3 weeks!! I remember telling my work colleagues at the time and they were all like ‘wtf?! That’s so weird, does she not wonder whether you’re still alive?!’ So I rung her and said I was upset that we hadn’t spoken in 3 weeks (I had tried to ring but got no response!) and she apologised and we’ve never gone that long without speaking since.

If you haven’t fallen out with your mum, how often do you speak to each other? Who initiates contact? Is it equal or one sided?

i could have written your post too. She didn't ring me on my birthday but few weeks later cut short a call (which I had instigated) as she had to ring my brother as it was his birthday.

We speak everyday. Not always long chats though - I run my own business via Facebook and she comments and likes all my posts

Speak most days on a group chat with mum and sister. Once a week video call on a sunday. Before the restrictions we saw each other around 2-3 times a month, we live 10 miles apart.

Hi OP. Sorry to hear how you're feeling. I ring my Mum everyday but that's as I have free phone calls and hers are evening and weekends and she doesnt like to ring me when my husband is around. At least you still speak. I know some people who don't get on with their mums at all. It's especially difficult at the moment as there isn't as much to talk about. Some days we only speak for a short while both saying that we haven't got much else to say. Also I know my mum would rather I ring because I want to and not out of a sense of duty. Maybe your mum doesn't want to ring incase you're busy/had a long day etc. Maybe you're sibling rang your mum. Try not to get stressed/upset about it. Or try to talk to her about it. I usually find if I ask my mum directly then I realise that a situation isn't always as I had thought and had got the wrong idea. It's worth a try and as long as you do it in a non accusing way, explaining that you feel sad, you might be surprised and manage to sort it and become closer again. Good luck OP

Every 2-3 weeks, I’m always the one to call her. She speaks to my siblings much more frequently. Sometimes when I call she asks why I’m calling.

It is what it is. We just don’t seem to click together in the same way she does with my siblings. It stings but what can you do.

Close to my mum but we only speak every.... gosh I’m not sure...2-3 weeks, maybe more outside of Covid. Saw each other about every 2 months.
During lockdown we’ve been having a video chat with my sister once a week. We don’t have a lot to say but it’s a lifeline for them apparently.

Maybe once a week? Though we WhatsApp all the time on various family WhatsApp groups. We used to speak every day, but we aren’t as close as we were. Having my own children made me look differently at our relationship. She speaks to other family members everyday on the phone and would be happy for me to call more but I don’t have the energy.

Most days but it's always me calling her.

I ring mine everyday, morning and everyday. She rarely rings me as she doesn't have free calls but I do. I also visit weekly. She's always that she would only want her children to visit etc if they want to, not out of a sense of duty. She and my sibling think more in a similar way (brother though) but we are still close. He also rings her daily. Maybe she doesn't want to interfere and maybe dependent on your current situation? (mine doesn't like to ring here anyway because of my husband but that's another situation...) Maybe mention it again, that you're sad that you seem to have grown apart? Everything's heightened at the moment and yes sometimes there's not much to say because of this weird way of living but it won't be forever. She might be totally oblivious to how you feel and would prob feel upset to know. Hopefully then you'll feel better. Don't bottle it up. Hope you sort it and get back to where you were OP. Sending a hug...

3-4 times per week but I ring her.

It’s not really a close relationship; it’s been negatively impacted by her mental health and although that’s become more obvious in recent years it’s probably always been a factor. Also we are very different people with different interests. She would offer me practical support if I needed it but I have very rarely sought emotional support from her as an adult as the connection simply isn’t there. I think we both feel a bit sad/disappointed by that. She had a very enmeshed relationship with her own mother and I think she expected that from her relationship with me. I see other people I know having relaxed afternoon teas out etc with their mums but that simply wouldn’t work for us now. There was a window when my dc were small that things were easier between us but I think that was because she could offer practical help, which I was glad of, but I didn’t need her emotionally.

I feel sad not to have an independent relationship with my dad, I think we are a better natural fit together.

I try to think about how I relate now to my teen dd as, mental health issues aside, I think a lot of the dynamic between my mum and me as it is now started when I was a teen.

Sorry-didn't think my post had posted and so had to start again so slightly different. Just felt for you and know that if you were my daughter I'd want to know.

Just a thought, but you say this has happened over time and your mum is now very 'meh' when you call- do you think she's got low level depression? Just would explain why she's become less active and less engaged in the conversations over time.

I wouldn't play games with trying to see if she calls you this weekend, it's not going to help anything. It's easy to get into a pattern of one person always calling and one waiting for the call and this probably isn't the weekend to break that. After mother's day I'd think about gently chatting to her about this- or wait til you can see her in person, it's easy for things to feel exaggerated and a bit distanced during this last year and you might find the dynamic changes again when things open up.

This has resonated with me. I used to be close to my mum- we spoke nearly every day while I was at uni, but then I realised it was always me calling her and never the other way round. I stopped calling to see how long it would take her and when she did eventually call she was upset that I hadn’t.

We were close again when I moved home, but then drifted apart when I moved out. That was over 12 years ago now. We now speak once a week over zoom, but it’s not really us talking, my parents just want to see the kids. They never ask how I am.

To be honest I’ve accepted it now but it does make me sad. I was upset by it a few years ago when I bought her a lovely birthday card that said she was my mum and my best friend, but I couldn’t bring myself to give it to her as it wasn’t true. I don’t really have any close friends, so to realise I couldn’t even include my mum in that was quite sad.

Actually chat maybe once a fortnight. We message maybe 3 times a week. We get on ok, not got a lot in common any more though!

Totally depends on need. Sometimes we speak several times in one day, and at other extreme a week or two may pass. This goes for contact with my mother, and my Dd who has left home

Once a month or so. I also have no idea what people talk about when they call every day!

I'm in a group chat on WhatsApp with my mum and sisters. We generally use that most days. Sometimes we skip a day but it's rare.

Usually I FaceTime/call my mum once a week on top of that. Or she calls me. I've never been great with phoning people and prefer to talk in person but with lockdown I'm better at calling as my mum lives 3 hours away. We are very close. I'm sorry your mum seems to have lost interest - that seems so strange to be considering you were best friends before. Has anything coincided with this change? New partners/change in lifestyle/moving house anything at all?

Speak once every 3-4 weeks. Text maybe once a week. She lives 30 miles away and pre COVID we’d see her maybe once every 2-3 months. She’s interested in me and her grandkids but has her own life and that’s fine, I’m glad she’s got her own interests. She’s never been interested in babysitting or anything like that.

My dad is also 30 miles away and I maybe speak to him once every three months and see him twice a year. He’s too busy with his wife’s grandkids sadly.

I speak to her as little as I can. She is not a kind or loving person despite pretending to be. It’s very sad.

We message pretty much every day and meet a couple of times a week (bubbled as she is widowed). Pre lockdown it was pretty similar I think.

Not sure, we don't have a schedule, when one of us, usually my mum, feels like it, we get in touch. Maybe every 1-2 weeks. Its enough for me, we get along, I just don't feel the need for constant communication.