If you’re semi- close to your mum, how often do you speak?

[Athenaena]

There’s so much I could say tbh but we’d be here all night. Ultimately, my mum and I were best friends growing up and until I was about 28. I’m 33 now and over the last 5 years we’ve grown apart which I feel really sad about. I guess I’ve come to the realisation that I just haven’t got a lot in common with her anymore really but at least she used to care, nowadays I feel like that’s not the case.

We tend to facetime once a week, but I’d say the last 5-6 weeks it’s been me that’s calling her every time . It’s usually on a Saturday and I will text her on a Friday saying I’ll call her tomorrow, what time is she free.

When we do talk she seems ‘meh’ from the minute she picks up. All she ever says is ‘oh well, I haven’t really got a lot to say due to this lockdown’
and I get it, none of us do really, but then she ALWAYS, every single time I speak to her, lets slip that she’s spoken to my sibling throughout the week we used to text each other throughout the week too up until a few years ago, now we rarely do.

Today I was going to send the usual message and then I thought, no, I’m not going to message, I’ll see if she messages me (she hasn’t) or calls me tomorrow or whether I just won’t hear from her for another week?

I just feel sad, all of my friends are so close to their mums and I used to be with mine but she just seems to have little interest in me anymore A few years ago I did what I did tonight and I didn’t speak to her in 3 weeks!! I remember telling my work colleagues at the time and they were all like ‘wtf?! That’s so weird, does she not wonder whether you’re still alive?!’ So I rung her and said I was upset that we hadn’t spoken in 3 weeks (I had tried to ring but got no response!) and she apologised and we’ve never gone that long without speaking since.

If you haven’t fallen out with your mum, how often do you speak to each other? Who initiates contact? Is it equal or one sided?

Before I had kids I tended not to phone. We get on fine, I just didn't think of it. Now I phone her every few days. or she phones. Feels like you're kinda overthinking it but I guess I'd never describe her as my friend.

Oh about 5-10
Times a day but they might be a bit OTT to Most 😂

I speak to mum at least 2 or 3 times a week because she lives alone so l like to check up on her - also she looks after dd on Fridays for me.
But l am fucking sick of phoning people now and have got a fiend who wants to facetime every Saturday which has become a real chore because apart from work, l don't go anywhere. Can't wait til we can actually meet up.

A phone call about every 2-3 weeks. She doesn't do FaceTime. I used to see her in person about once every 2 weeks.

She seems a lot less interested now my children are teens. She prefers the younger age group I think.

Don't speak on the phone, we text/whatsapp occasionally. I've stopped bothering as she hasn't asked about me in weeks, but constantly talks about sibling (probably should ask if it's the same for them).
Last time I tried to talk about me, the subject got changed.
It was pretty demoralising tbh.

Some of the replies are making me feel better. Sad to know others are in the same boat, but also comforting to know that it’s not just me that used to be close to their mum and now isn’t really.

So odd as you’d think the one person you’d never really grow apart from is your mum (unless you have good reason obviously)

I just know my SIL will be doing a gushing ‘MIL Mother’s Day post’ on SM on Sunday and I’ll look like the cow gor not doing one considering she’s my mum, but the way I feel tonight, especially if we don’t speak tomorrow, I just won’t want to be being fake and all ‘happy Mother’s Day to my amazing mum’ blah blah. I love her, but she’s not an amazing mum actually, she’s a pretty absent one.

@Lostinspace23

My mum never calls me but is always happy to speak if I call. Sometimes we might not speak for a few weeks if I don’t make the effort, but usually we talk 1-2 times a week. She’s just shit at being proactive, crap at relationships and self-absorbed. I still love her and I don’t take the way she is personally any more. I did at one stage feel really sad about it all - I just wanted parents who made me feel cared for. Having made peace with the fact that it will never be the case, I’m able to make the best of our relationship.

This is what I need to get to. Thank you.

Aren’t, not isn’t *

My mum calls me at least 6 times a day, every day, and gets annoyed if I'm busy. It's not like I'm wfh or raising kids or anything important like that

Short emails every few days. Meet for 30 mins once per week

TBH, these sometimes feel like duty visits. Sadly, we are not close. I think both of us have some regret about this, and would like to be closer, but we are really quite different people

I call DM weekly. It's enough. We have little to tell each other as she's been shielding for over a year (except when she went to the coop to buy more wine and caught COVID) and I don't tend to share stuff with her as she twists it into a drama and tells anyone who'll listen. I'd rather be a bit more private.

I know what you mean . My mum literally lives a 3 min walk away but never ever comes round just for a chat I always go round there when I do see her we get on extremely well and have such a laugh . We holidayed together last august had a brilliant time. I text her /call her but it does always seem to be making the effort first.

OP I could have written your post. I have reflected on why my mum never initiates contact but when I phone she will say "I was hoping it was you!" but then goes onto say that she hasn't got anything to say. My mum is a fit, healthy 68 year old but I honestly think she has depression and this has impacted on how she deals with others now. I also suspect there is an element of selfishness/self centred Ness as she gets older. We used to talk every day but now only once or twice a week when I call.

every day

Once a week, up to once a fortnight we speak on the phone for an hour or so. In non-pandemic times I'd go for a brew for an hour once a fortnight too. We are both happy with it though and I don't feel like it's too little for us - neither of us would want to talk every day, we're both mega introverts!

My mum has always been like yours is now. We’ve never fallen out and get on well when we’re together, but I always have to initiate contact. At uni I used to call her once a week, but tried not once and yes it got to a month and nothing! It did hurt to be honest. But now I just accept that’s her, and don’t take it personally. She’s always there if I need her. I get in touch every week or two. I see her every one or two weeks in normal times. I can’t imagine talking daily.

Used to be every day but has actually lessened in the lockdown as we really do have little to talk about.

I would reflect on when you were so close, what was the dynamic or the conversations. The relationship dynamic has changed as I’ve got older. Throughout even my twenties I was still talking to my mum, I guess for support or guidance, as you do when you’re younger. I think it waned for a bit when my mum started to see I wasn’t always looking for her help. Our roles have reversed a bit but also we’ve found a few common interests. Not hobbies but I talk to her about being a parent, my relationship and my friendships. Don’t talk about work or other things she can’t relate to.

I’m not suggesting you do all the work but maybe, if you were so close, you could discuss why you aren’t any more. Perhaps it wouldn’t bring you closer but might mean you can reach an acceptance on it

I speak to my parents about once every 1-2 weeks. It's usually me calling them or messaging them.

Probably every week or 2, can easily go several weeks without speaking but have never been that close. By comparison she speaks to my sibling at least once a day, he has always been the golden child but tbh that would be way too much for me!

I don't think there is a norm and it changes with circumstances. We talk sometimes daily, sometimes every 2-4 days. In the past there were long periods of 2-3 weeks of not speaking. Its probably me initiating contact more than DM but DM has always been comfortable with long periods alone.

There was a period where I didn't think she cared, but I think she was just worried about getting older. Also I don't think I was really sharing things either as I am so used to being independent so she just assumed I was fine. We are so different. She grew up in South Africa under apartheid. We talk about the news, our days, and I ask lots of questions about her earlier life and childhood.

With my Dad its quite different, we used to be so close and speak probably twice a day. He is now getting on and so busy in retirement and probably contacts me every few weeks.

Once a week. I usually phone. We get on well but not in a matey way. We don’t live very close to each other and it works best this way. She can be very self absorbed but also suffocating in a weird paradox which is hard work. Once a week chat is fine :)

We text back and forth every few days, actually speak about once a month, less sometimes.

We've not fallen out but have lived in different countries for 17 years and have never been in each other's pockets.

I've genuinely no idea what people who speak at length daily or every other day find to talk about.

I lost my mum recently, but I would say prior to that, maybe once every couple of months. She would speak to my DSis pretty much daily. We got on well, and I miss her like crazy, but we didn’t actually have much to talk about!

A lot each day. too much really. I need to cut down. We weren't close at all growing up but since having children we became a lot closer.

Every day and text in a group WhatsApp with my sister and mum multiple times a day. We have a family business so some chat about that aswell. If my mum didn't hear from my by lunchtime she would text to ask if I'm OK!