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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU...dh says he 'had an addiction'

45 replies

newaccount2021 · 12/03/2021 18:46

Hello,
Need to vent about this, I don't know if I'm being unreasonable but I can't stop thinking about it
Yesterday me and dh had a discussion about addiction, he said people try to blame things on addiction as an excuse instead of trying to stop themselves, I had said before that he is doesn't know what people have gone through to get to that point/MH problems etc, then he said he had an addiction and stopped it
He had sort of mentioned something like this before but never went into it
He said he doesn't want to discuss it, I asked what it is and he could tell me I won't be bothered by it and if it's in the past it doesn't matter etc, he said I'm being insensitive and it doesn't affect anyone (even though during the discussion he said self harming addiction affects people around them 😟)
I know it wouldn't be drink drugs or smoking, or related to money. I asked was this whilst we were married or when I knew you (married 3 years and seriously dated for 5 years before) and he wouldn't answer that either which made me start panicking
He doesn't understand my point of view that I want to know that, and worry that whatever it is could relapse into it, he said it is deeply personal. I have a suspicion of what it could be
Am I being unreasonable to think and worry about it? Feel really distanced from him since this and like I've lost some trust
Thank you for reading 😥

OP posts:
Original poster
newaccount2021 · 12/03/2021 18:50

I meant to add that I don't know why would mention it and then not tell me, id rather not have known :(

OP posts:
GNCQ · 12/03/2021 18:56

Well to be fair I grew up in Brighton and virtually all of my mates got addicted to something in their teens/twenties.
If he used to party, go clubbing, there are all sorts of addictive lures out there. I wouldn't make a big deal of it.

I do however disagree with him on people try to blame things on addiction as an excuse instead of trying to stop themselves I don't think that really understands the nature of addiction.
He probably wasn't properly addicted to whatever it was he used in the past to think it's so easy to stop.

justforthis7 · 12/03/2021 18:58

I gather your suspicions must be either sex or porn addiction? I can’t think what other common ones there are, certainly not that he wouldn’t be willing to tell you. I’m all for privacy, but I think in this case you have a right to know, now that he has given you half a story. It sounds to me like he does want to tell you but was testing the waters or chickened out. I think I would let him stew for a day or two and bring it up again, but that’s just me.

HeyDemonsItsYaGirl · 12/03/2021 18:59

He sounds like a tosser. Is he usually so lacking in compassion and intelligence?

Aria2015 · 12/03/2021 19:00

That would bother me too. Like you say, why mention it at all if he wasn't going to tell you? If he truly did have an addiction then I agree that as his wife and partner that's something you should be privy to so that you can be aware of potential triggers and also like you say, to be aware of what it is incase he were to relapse at some point.

True addictions are like a life long devil on your shoulder and I think most people who have had them know, they'd be naive to say that they could never ever slip back. I say that as someone who has had an addiction myself. My husband knows about mine and keeps a careful eye on me when I've gone through periods of stress and upset, because he knows that's when I'm vulnerable I slipping back into old (bad) habits.

B33Fr33 · 12/03/2021 19:02

Did it enter his head that he wasn't addicted? He may have begun to experience the thing negatively but can and did pull away. So not an addiction, just a habit he broke.

Twistered · 12/03/2021 19:02

I would be definitely looking to know. But he obviously has a deep shame if he hasn't told to you so go easy on him but yes he should try to tell you what it is

Original poster
newaccount2021 · 12/03/2021 19:06

@GNCQ

Well to be fair I grew up in Brighton and virtually all of my mates got addicted to something in their teens/twenties. If he used to party, go clubbing, there are all sorts of addictive lures out there. I wouldn't make a big deal of it.

I do however disagree with him on people try to blame things on addiction as an excuse instead of trying to stop themselves I don't think that really understands the nature of addiction.
He probably wasn't properly addicted to whatever it was he used in the past to think it's so easy to stop.

That's the thing, he was we were under 20 when we first met and used to go clubbing etc together, only for the first year or so then he stopped drinking. He still smokes only a couple of times a year socially which doesn't bother me (I don't drink or smoke, neither bother me). We spent almost everyday together since we met at uni (apart from the holidays) then after uni we got married and moved down to live with him. Which is just stressing me out either meaning whatever it was was before he met me which I can't imagine as he was so young?! or happened during our time together Yes the only thing I can think of is porn, I've not ever had the feeling he has cheated (of course it's possible) And yes I feel quite lost now, he says he will never discuss it with anyone so I can't see that he will tell me but i might ask again in future
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Original poster
newaccount2021 · 12/03/2021 19:08

He said it's embarrassing, I wouldn't even be that bothered if it was porn (obviously if I was in the house at the time I would feel abit betrayed) this is the only thing I can think of, maybe it would expose that He was doing it around me and that's why it's embarrassing

OP posts:
Original poster
newaccount2021 · 12/03/2021 19:10

I really tried to not be insensitive I said ok also concerned about it incase he feels it may happen again or slip back into it and I would want to help, not argue about it etc

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babbaloushka · 12/03/2021 19:15

Porn addiction? I've been with someone who had one, and it was tough.

2020iscancelled · 12/03/2021 19:17

Firstly he sounds like he’s massively lacking in compassion. But then lots of people are.

Addiction is a complex subject and I personally don’t have an addictive personality but my sibling is a walking talking addiction cliche.
Perhaps what your husband experienced was habitual and not addiction. I’ve had habitual problems which I’ve gotten on top of and moved on.
Real addiction is very rarely something you can just “get over” - it can be done by some but it’s not the typical way.

So he sounds ill informed and like an arse but perhaps one day he wIll find compassion through other means - let’s hope it doesn’t come through a mental health struggle of his own.

Anyhoo - to your AIBU, yes to a degree I think you are being U to demand to know what seems to be a highly personal and uncomfortable truth for your partner.

Perhaps he is deeply ashamed and hasn’t come to terms with it fully or forgiven himself (if he can’t show others compassion he won’t have much for himself either).

If I were you I wouldn’t demand to know, it isn’t your business. I’m sorry but being someone’s partner does not entitle you to know the length and breadth of their consciousness. It is his story and his truth and you’ve got no real right to demand access.

Step back and give it some space, let him know you hold no judgement and that you hope in time he can open up to you.

BUT if you say you won’t judge then you better be willing to mean it. If he tells you something you don’t want to hear after you’ve prodded and pulled at it then you cannot unhear it. So be prepared.

GNCQ · 12/03/2021 19:19

I know someone who was an alcoholic from something ridiculously young like 15 or something (parents ran a pub) so it is possible his addiction was from before you met at a young age.

It would niggle at me that he won't say specifically what it was though.

How can you help him, look out for signs of relapse, and support him in case you need to, if he won't confide fully?

GNCQ · 12/03/2021 19:21

But yeah I still think given his attitude he wasn't actually addicted in the first place!

anamazingfind · 12/03/2021 19:22

You've been together for 8 years and he hasn't demonstrated any addictions or adverse qualities. He let slip something that clearly didn't affect your relationship and he views as private and sensitive. Something he is clearly ashamed of and doesn't want to discuss.

Show some sensitivity and leave him some privacy. Explain you will always help and understand if he ever wants to talk about it and will support him if necessary, but stop trying to get information from him.

ChiantiFffffff · 12/03/2021 19:28

I'd guess porn addiction.

I think as teens/20s most people I knew from uni were heavily into weed/drink/pills and moved on from it, and would be ok to discuss it.

Tal45 · 12/03/2021 19:42

I couldn't live with the not knowing, it would just make me really anxious. It's really unfair to bring something up and then refuse to elaborate IMO, if you don't want to discuss it and it doesn't affect anyone else then there's absolutely no reason to mention it. I'd say the worst possible options I could think of and say I don't care what it is or if it's any of them just please tell me so i'm not left wondering and worrying. x

BurgundyBells · 12/03/2021 19:42

Show some sensitivity and leave him some privacy. Explain you will always help and understand if he ever wants to talk about it and will support him if necessary, but stop trying to get information from him

Bollocks to this Hmm

You have no idea what this 'addiction' was. Porn? Drugs? Gambling - and now deeply in debt? Having unprotected sex with prostitutes? Worse?

An addiction, a true addiction, is often a lifelong fight with possibly massive implications. He thinks he can just drop this information on you and keep the details to himself? Selfish arsehole springs to mind.

I'd be giving it a couple of days space then would be calmly making it known that if he wanted to remain my life partner I'd be fully expecting him to disclose this addiction as there's every chance of it impacting your life at some time and you need to be prepared.

LaurieFairyCake · 12/03/2021 19:50

It's likely just wanking

Original poster
newaccount2021 · 12/03/2021 19:56

@BurgundyBells

Show some sensitivity and leave him some privacy. Explain you will always help and understand if he ever wants to talk about it and will support him if necessary, but stop trying to get information from him

Bollocks to this Hmm

You have no idea what this 'addiction' was. Porn? Drugs? Gambling - and now deeply in debt? Having unprotected sex with prostitutes? Worse?

An addiction, a true addiction, is often a lifelong fight with possibly massive implications. He thinks he can just drop this information on you and keep the details to himself? Selfish arsehole springs to mind.

I'd be giving it a couple of days space then would be calmly making it known that if he wanted to remain my life partner I'd be fully expecting him to disclose this addiction as there's every chance of it impacting your life at some time and you need to be prepared.

This is my point, that whatever it is could come back again or may even be going on now. I did think about the prostitute thing but I can't see it being that as before uni and during it his parents gave him a set amount of money that definitely wouldn't cover that, or even drugs. So I don't think it's about gambling or something you 'pay for' as even now since he started work he's very transparent about money and talks about the outgoings/incomings alot, I just really suspect its sex or porn related Which would still affect me as i think definitely would desensitise and affect sex life I've even thought maybe he is just saying he had an 'addiction' to try prove a point during the discussion as I said he should try empathise with people who have had one (I am fortunate to not have had any serious ones but really can understand the reasons why they happen)
OP posts:
Original poster
newaccount2021 · 12/03/2021 19:57

@LaurieFairyCake

It's likely just wanking
I almost laughed out loud at this, that's what I thought but why not just admit it HmmBlush I don't think it's that embarrassing
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Original poster
newaccount2021 · 12/03/2021 19:57

I said to him that maybe what I'm thinking is worse than what it actually is because I have no real idea

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FullofCurryandparatha · 12/03/2021 19:59

I do however disagree with him on people try to blame things on addiction as an excuse instead of trying to stop themselves I don't think that really understands the nature of addiction

People do though. In the same way as people claiming to have allergies when they don't doesn't mean people don't actually have allergies, some people claim an addiction as an excuse for bad behaviour, that doesn't mean addiction isn't real.

Example, some men who get caught cheating claim sex addiction, when actually they are just scumbags.

An0n0n0n · 12/03/2021 20:02

Take away the power and brush it off.

"Oh well then, not to worry it obviously doesn't affect you or me now."

AnyFucker · 12/03/2021 20:06

Men who cry “porn addiction” are usually simple wankers who hate women

Nothing to do with being “addicted” at all. That is why he cannot be objective about it. It’s all subjective “poor me” bollocks

Is he any good in bed ?

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