AIBU...dh says he 'had an addiction'

[newaccount2021]

Hello,
Need to vent about this, I don't know if I'm being unreasonable but I can't stop thinking about it
Yesterday me and dh had a discussion about addiction, he said people try to blame things on addiction as an excuse instead of trying to stop themselves, I had said before that he is doesn't know what people have gone through to get to that point/MH problems etc, then he said he had an addiction and stopped it
He had sort of mentioned something like this before but never went into it
He said he doesn't want to discuss it, I asked what it is and he could tell me I won't be bothered by it and if it's in the past it doesn't matter etc, he said I'm being insensitive and it doesn't affect anyone (even though during the discussion he said self harming addiction affects people around them 😟)
I know it wouldn't be drink drugs or smoking, or related to money. I asked was this whilst we were married or when I knew you (married 3 years and seriously dated for 5 years before) and he wouldn't answer that either which made me start panicking
He doesn't understand my point of view that I want to know that, and worry that whatever it is could relapse into it, he said it is deeply personal. I have a suspicion of what it could be
Am I being unreasonable to think and worry about it? Feel really distanced from him since this and like I've lost some trust
Thank you for reading 😥

You say he gave up alcohol, why did he do that? Maybe he felt like he was addicted/becoming addicted?

Does he drink now? If so then it obviously wasn't booze.

A mate of an ex-boyfriend was "addicted to prostitutes". I wasn't totally convinced by that one. He needs to tell you otherwise you'll be wondering if it's something like that though.

The one who said similar to me turned out to have been (after the drip drip drip of information and contradictions and outright lies caught up with him) an iv Heroin user for four times longer than he ever admitted to. And an equally long 2nd 'career' in burglary to feed the addiction.

@newaccount2021

I meant to add that I don't know why would mention it and then not tell me, id rather not have known :(

Ask him outright if it’s sex addition

If he was very young it could be something like binge eating/ bulimia which is actually pretty common in young men. It could be a lot of things, I wouldn’t automatically assume sex or porn just because he’s a man.

Given that you both met a a relatively young age, my guess would be that he used to sniff glue or hair spray rather than having a porn addiction.

Food? Bulimia? Or maybe he got a bit obsessive about something and calls it an addiction.

You have married someone who refuses to talk about a big thing in his past and is dismissive of you.

Take your time and think hard.
This is not a good start to your marriage.
Keep your finances separate.
Bullet proof your contraception.
Keep your ears open and your eyes wide.

I don't think your marriage is a long term bet.

Reach out for support IRL.
Protect yourself.

@ItsAllComingBackToMeNow

You say he gave up alcohol, why did he do that? Maybe he felt like he was addicted/becoming addicted?

He only really drank at university, he has a religious background so not supposed to, he said he didn't enjoy the feeling after a while and associated it with partying/grew out of it

@Wishing14

If he was very young it could be something like binge eating/ bulimia which is actually pretty common in young men. It could be a lot of things, I wouldn’t automatically assume sex or porn just because he’s a man.

Thats one thing I never thought about actually, but I don't think so as I've never seen any signs of that, and I definitely had bulimia in the past and still have issues with food now

@An0n0n0n

Take away the power and brush it off.

"Oh well then, not to worry it obviously doesn't affect you or me now."

This is a great response!

I think you are opening a can of worms OP. You really should let it go. It won't do youcany good at all to keep prodding and poking. If I had worked hard to get past something difficult in my life then I would be quite irked if someone was trying to dredge it uo for their satisfaction.

So what if he relapses? How will you knowing the issue prevent the likelihood of that scenario? It might even encourage it to return.

I understand why you are concerned. Addictions are rarely totally cured but rather managed so that they are not a destructive force in the addicts life and as such I think any recovering addict has an obligation to inform a potential life partner of their history. I am speaking from personal experience, I don't believe I have a right to withhold information from someone which may have an impact on our lives together no matter how low I think the risk of relapse is.

Having said that you are married now and cannot change the fact that you have only just been made aware of his addiction history, you can't force him to tell you, he should have done that when you first met or it first became an issue.

He sounds a bit of a dick. He admitted to having a past mysterious addiction to back up ‘his know it all stance’ but doesn’t want to give any details beyond that.

It is his right not to tell you but his sanctimony would grate. Personally, I would pretend he hadn’t said anything, he only said what he said to be mister ‘my opinion count more than yours’ man of the world.

I very much doubt that this is the first occurrence of being a know it all.

I would say he found himself getting too fond of drink and realising he had a problem decided to ditch it forever. Whether it was an addiction or not is for him to decide. Be glad he is not a heavy drinker now or you would be leading quite a different life.
Often on here l hear people say your life before you met your partner is their private business eg around relationships etc. I think he is entitled to keep this to himself. Stop looking for trouble where there is none. Be glad he decided to quit and leave it for now. No one is going to open up under pressure and imagine how you would feel in his shoes. Maybe when the pressure is off he will feel more at ease to talk.

He didn't have an addiction. He's talking bollocks to endorse his view that addicts sometimes simply can not recover because they don't try.

In my experience with regard to addiction- there are, for example, some people who drink a lot - habit not addiction,and those but just 'can't' stop - true addiction. It's like it is like it's in their physical make up.
I couldn't get hooked on drink to save my life. Just find it too boring after a while. But I new someone after a weekend away with a group , on the way home Sunday morning when they all stopped for coffee , he had to have some alcohol.
Not saying he couldn't give up, but it would physically a lot hard than someone like me trying to break a bad habit. Just Mho
Had this argument with a relative who said addiction was just a saddo who used it to self medicate but could give up if they wanted -
I totally disagree and feel they have never experienced true addiction and needed to be a little bit more opened minded.

On- line gambling ?

Cycling? 😆

@Haspotential

He didn't have an addiction. He's talking bollocks to endorse his view that addicts sometimes simply can not recover because they don't try.

I'm trying to tell myself this...