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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Refusing to stop comms with ex

30 replies

BiscuitFantasies · 12/03/2021 17:42

I need people's views on this. When we first got together my now DH and I both had existing relationships. After a few months together he insisted I stopped all communications with my ex, which I did - blocked on MSN etc. He offered to do the same with his - which I thought was fair so said yes. My problem is that although he has indeed gone for long periods without contact he has still reneged on this agreement several times over the last few years - including unblocking her when he had previously blocked her. He sometimes tells me voluntarily, but every time it happens I get hurt and upset and so he stops it. It seems to always happen again eventually, though. AIBU getting upset about this? It's as much the principle that I'm upset at more than the chat itself - from what I have seen it's not flirty or anything.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 12/03/2021 17:43

Why’s he doing it?

BullOx · 12/03/2021 17:44

What is the worry? That he wants to get back with her?

AnneLovesGilbert · 12/03/2021 17:46

I expect the worry is partly that he’s a hypocrite.

OP, I’ve had several long term relationships and I’m on my second marriage. I don’t happen to be in touch with any of my exes but I’ve never had anyone tell me who I could or couldn’t contact and I wouldn’t be impressed if they tried.

He didn’t/doesn’t trust you but expects you to trust him. That’s not okay.

Tothemoonandbackx · 12/03/2021 17:47

And what if the shoe were on the other foot?? 🤷🏻‍♀️

SunnySideUp2020 · 12/03/2021 17:48

Well if he was in a relationship when you got together maybe it's his thing to have some outside interest? Ego boost or something?
Makes him feel special?
Who knows. It's weird, especially to block and unblock many times 🤨

EggBobbin · 12/03/2021 17:49

Do you mean you were both cheating on your partners when your relationship started? You’ve put that very glibly if so

YoniAndGuy · 12/03/2021 17:51

So you cheated together? Haha yes nicely put!

What do you want people to say? You know what he is.

aprilanne · 12/03/2021 17:59

Well as the saying goes when you marry the mistress you leave a job vacancy sorry but you knew he was a cheat so what do you expect

whiteshark · 12/03/2021 19:52

So I think I reading this right- you are both cheats.

So that's why there is no trust 🙄

BiscuitFantasies · 13/03/2021 06:24

Just to clarify on the questions about our previous relationships - they were ex relationships when DH and I got together but both of us had maintained occasional and platonic contact.

OP posts:
Letsallscreamatthesistene · 13/03/2021 06:27

When we first got together my now DH and I both had existing relationships.

You cant backtrack and say you were just friends when you met your now partner.

Lochmorlich · 13/03/2021 06:28

Renew your occasionally and platonic contact with your ex.
Your dp is controlling and a hypocrite.

Lochmorlich · 13/03/2021 06:29

occasional

BiscuitFantasies · 13/03/2021 06:29

Yes - it's either that he doesn't care that it bothers me and does it anyway, or that this is something important that he doesn't want to give up. Both worry me. But maybe I am overthinking it - if it's just casual chat then so what?

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 13/03/2021 06:34

Why don’t you message your ex something random?
I couldn’t be doing with a relationship with a hypocrite. A restrictive rule for you and whatever the fuck he wants for him.

howmanyhats · 13/03/2021 06:37

@Letsallscreamatthesistene

When we first got together my now DH and I both had existing relationships.

You cant backtrack and say you were just friends when you met your now partner.

Eh? Yes she can if that's the truth and she just worded the OP badly. Is this a game to you? FFS.
Haspotential · 13/03/2021 06:42

So what if he's still in contact?

mainsfed · 13/03/2021 06:44

YANBU, this is major hypocrisy, especially as he was the one who insisted you break contact with ex.

Unblock your ex and tell your DH.

Tangogolf55 · 13/03/2021 06:56

Unblock your ex, message him and if your dh goes mad, kick him out.

ShadierThanaPalmTree · 13/03/2021 07:05

MSN? 🤨Pull the other one

CornishTiger · 13/03/2021 07:05

Your boyfriend needs an ego boost on the side.

He’s a player who needs that attention in the background as a fall back plan.

Sounds like he was a bit of an overlapper too. Starting something with you, whilst still in contact with a recent ex and no doubt stringing her along whilst he decided whether to promote you to full time girlfriend status.

No doubt telling ex you had gone crazy so he needed to show her that they weren’t in contact by blocking her.

Do you want to live a life of uncertainty OP. If so carry on........ if not kick him to kerb

Shoxfordian · 13/03/2021 07:12

It’s not ok for him to tell you who you can and can’t talk to anyway. Tell him if he’s going to renege on his side of it then you’ll talk to your ex if you want to as well. Is he controlling in other ways ?

Fatladyslim · 13/03/2021 07:14

Tbh I would have split up with him the minute he tried to tell me who I could and couldn't speak to. Being a controlling and jelous are not exactly attractive qualities are they?

Mylovelyhorsee · 13/03/2021 07:26

Blocked on msn? This must have been an ex 20 years ago!

TheGumption · 13/03/2021 07:32

Is MSN still a thing?!