AIBU in this, or is he?

[FricklesAndSalsa]

DP came down at lunch time to ask about going away for a weekend with friends. The weekend falls on my birthday. Its for a specific event. I said I wasn’t thrilled about spending my birthday weekend with childcare, but could he let me think about it and get back to him.

I didn’t want to talk about right then because I am actually upset. It’s not about being my birthday or him going away, but in the 13 years we’ve been together he has never planning anything for me. He’s never taken me anywhere.

So he goes back upstairs and sends me a message saying he’s not going and it’s sorted. I reply and say I don’t want to talk about it now and actually I’m feeling hurt for the reasons mentioned.

Since then, he started crying really loudly. I ignored it as I’m with DS. Then he storms downstairs, goes into the garden and starts pacing around. I ignore. Then back upstairs, until finally coming down and telling me I should have checked on him. I said no as he’s told me before he wants space. Then he goes on to say my message has given him a panic attack, I always do this, starts screaming at me, has rearranged the order of events completely, tells me he’s deleted my texts, and continued screaming at me from upstairs, not letting me respond before everything banging doors around and telling me I should know better as he’s on a PIP at work and I shouldn’t be sending him anything and I’m going to make him fail. DS(3) is sitting with me the whole time.

He has form for rewriting arguments to suit himself and the loud, obnoxious crying is something that’s happened for a long time. We used to have huge arguments as I’ve always hated the silencing behaviour and shutting me down. Now we argue rarely, but it’s always the same. Shouting and screaming whilst I just walk out and leave it.

So it’s a bit of a twofold thing - WIBU to not immediately say yes as I feel a bit put out that my son and I don’t matter enough for him to plan something.

I know IANBU about his reaction. It’s ridiculous and damaging. He has MH and anxiety problems but it’s not an excuse. I’ve never seen him do the loud crying in front of anyone else. I’ve never seen him shout at anyone else. It always seems to be me.

Can he change his plans to a one way trip? Ime mh isn't justification to be a twat.

Has he been assessed properly regarding his mental health? It sounds like a personality disorder to me.

That sounds manipulative. He knows he's not trying that shit with anyone else. Did he have a very needy or overbearing parent? Maybe this is how he learned to relate in close relationships but he needs to learn something else

YANBU. The crying sounds unbearable.

He sounds ridiculous at best, manipulative and abusive at worst.

Why are you with him?

Crying loudly? Sounds like a spoilt brat.

Why are you putting up with this manipulative shit?

Wtf!? His reaction was OTT and a borderline abusive. What are his good qualities? Why are you allowing your 3 year old to see this unhinged unhealthy behaviour?

Does he cry like that when he has disagreements with other people? Colleagues/friends/siblings etc etc.

Or just you

Your 3YO is witnessing all this????? God @FricklesAndSalsa you need to leave him!!!! This is not healthy!!!!!!!!

I don’t understand your “WIBU to say yes” (say yes it what)? . That aside, I am with you in some things, my DH wouldn’t even think of going away with friends on my birthday weekend. I also am a bit wtf with all the loud crying, I couldn’t tolerate that as a regular thing, even as a one off to be honest.

What I can’t agree with though, is that he has to plan something for you. I don’t understand why that is important, maybe planning isn’t him, maybe he isn’t confident enough to plan something blind as a treat. Planning your own day or planning together doesn’t spoil it. Our birthdays are both coming up, I have made plans for his birthday and have so far left him to make plans for mine but I think I will need to step in. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t care about me, I am just better at plans than he is.

He’s had counselling last year, but only a few sessions. He was on antidepressants but stopped taking them. It’s the first outburst in a while now but it’s so draining.

We split for a year, but (I thought) he’d got his shit together and we tried again. It did seem like things were fine for a good few months. This is the first time since getting back together this has happened (about 4 months now). But then I guess there hasn’t been something where we’ve had this clash on opinions - or I suppose more specifically that might ruin his plans.

pack his bags now and tell him not to bother coming back. The lack of thought for you is bad enough but if he's regularly acting like this you surely don't need that in yours or your sons lives.

Crying loudly? Did he land on that at age 2 and just stick with it?! He's a grown ass man crying for attention!

YANBU to ask for time to think about something or to say no immediately. If you were saying no to everything ever then that's shit. But even if you're not big into birthdays, having to look after a toddler all weekend on your birthday while the other parent has a fun weekend away would make most people a bit upset. Unless there are like 30 people going on a trip and its impossible to find a weekend that suits everyone then I don't see why he didnt just say to his mates 'its salsas birthday that weekend but I'm free x y and weekends, could we do it then?'

I agree it's manipulative. Especially when he came and said you should have checked on him.

MH issues don't give anyone a free pass for poor behaviour, and the fact that he's not behaving this way with others is clear evidence that he's choosing to be like this with you.

Seems to me he wanted you to go and check on him, then say "aww, I'm sorry, and you can go on the trip while I hide my hurt feelings ".

I noticed your question and comcern was about him going and his dramatic performance and not about that your poor ds being right there and the effect on him?
Why are you allowing your ds to grow up in this toxic environment.

@Aprilx - I’ve accepted for a long time that he won’t plan things for me. He once bought me theatre tickets but it didn’t occur to him to consider hotels or transport so I had to actually plan the whole trip.

But if he is in fact capable of planning a trip for friends, then it’s a real kick in teeth that he can’t make plans for our family. I’m not talking specifically about birthdays. It can be anything - a day out, holidays, finding events our son would like. You get the idea.

Is he 3 years old because he is definitely behaving like a toddler couldn’t be doing with a grown man acting like a total prat

You can’t have that behaviour around your young child. It’s horrendous. Door slamming and loud crying? What the fuck?

Loads of people have mental health issues. It’s up to him to take responsibility for finding the help he needs and ways to manage them so his behaviour doesn’t become abusive and dangerous to your and your child.

Please kick him out. This relationship isn’t worth saving and you’re on a hiding to nothing as he doesn’t think he’s doing anything wrong.

Your child deserves a peaceful happy home and you know that’s impossible while you’ve got a lying, manipulative, out of control, abusive, adult sized toddler ruining it.

As I say, I took DS out of this for a year. Obviously after this outburst I realise I made a mistake thinking it could be different. It can’t.

He has just coke down and apologised for the outburst and said he realised it’s ridiculous. He’s never done that before so I’d suggest counselling has had some benefit, but sadly it doesn’t seem like enough. I don’t know. This is a bid of a sad rant. I know his reaction is not justified- I just wondered if I could even considered unreasonable about the trip and wanting to think about it/ being a bit upset about it.

Come*

In fact I know it doesn’t even matter actually whether I was unreasonable. I admit I’m refocusing a bit on a different matter as I’m a bit in shock about what happened.

How pathetic, crying when he doesn't get his way. I like the suggestion of telling him to go away and not come back. Hoping the house is in your name. I see he's a DP not a DH.

FWIW you’re not at all unreasonable about his thoughtless trip idea. But you acknowledge there are have bigger issues here and they’re what you need to focus on.

So he apologised? It won’t stop him doing it again. And an apology means nothing to a 3 year old! The damage has been done. Again.

He needs to move back out ASAP. If you both think counselling is wise - I’d go by yourself and not with him - that’s something you can do once you’re living apart.

Don’t minimise how awful he’s being because it’s happened before and it’s not all terrible. People stay longer than they should precisely because it’s not all terrible. I did. But I didn’t have a child with him I needed to protect.

You both sound a bit wingy tbh