AIBU in this, or is he?

[FricklesAndSalsa]

DP came down at lunch time to ask about going away for a weekend with friends. The weekend falls on my birthday. Its for a specific event. I said I wasn’t thrilled about spending my birthday weekend with childcare, but could he let me think about it and get back to him.

I didn’t want to talk about right then because I am actually upset. It’s not about being my birthday or him going away, but in the 13 years we’ve been together he has never planning anything for me. He’s never taken me anywhere.

So he goes back upstairs and sends me a message saying he’s not going and it’s sorted. I reply and say I don’t want to talk about it now and actually I’m feeling hurt for the reasons mentioned.

Since then, he started crying really loudly. I ignored it as I’m with DS. Then he storms downstairs, goes into the garden and starts pacing around. I ignore. Then back upstairs, until finally coming down and telling me I should have checked on him. I said no as he’s told me before he wants space. Then he goes on to say my message has given him a panic attack, I always do this, starts screaming at me, has rearranged the order of events completely, tells me he’s deleted my texts, and continued screaming at me from upstairs, not letting me respond before everything banging doors around and telling me I should know better as he’s on a PIP at work and I shouldn’t be sending him anything and I’m going to make him fail. DS(3) is sitting with me the whole time.

He has form for rewriting arguments to suit himself and the loud, obnoxious crying is something that’s happened for a long time. We used to have huge arguments as I’ve always hated the silencing behaviour and shutting me down. Now we argue rarely, but it’s always the same. Shouting and screaming whilst I just walk out and leave it.

So it’s a bit of a twofold thing - WIBU to not immediately say yes as I feel a bit put out that my son and I don’t matter enough for him to plan something.

I know IANBU about his reaction. It’s ridiculous and damaging. He has MH and anxiety problems but it’s not an excuse. I’ve never seen him do the loud crying in front of anyone else. I’ve never seen him shout at anyone else. It always seems to be me.

Don't put his mental health above your child's right to a safe home.

He sounds out of control. And controlling.

I’m not going to let this slide. Honestly, I’m much stronger than I was before. I said that we need to give this 6 months before he hands in his notice. He still has his own place.

I’m just not looking forward to the break up conversation again. It will be fine, but sad. But I need a few days to process it. I’m going to ask if he could stay at his for the weekend and we can talk again on Sunday.

The house is in joint names, but I’ve been paying solely towards everything since he moved out initially. I already got some legal advice before he moved back in so I know what to do in that respect.

Oh OP he sounds unbearable and awful! What an unattractive man child. I'd LTB.

The only option is to leave. You say this has happened again after 4 months. It makes NO difference to your small child how infrequent these situations occur according to you. It's just as traumatic and damaging. This man is just who he will always be. Even after a years split you are right back in that same situation. Nothing will change with him

This is nothing more than a straight-up toddler tantrum from a grown man, complete with loud fake crying.

I’ve never heard of anything like it.

He’s a selfish prick who never does anything for your birthday, wanted to go away with his friends without you on your birthday and has thrown his toys out of the pram in a big way because he knows he shouldn’t go, but he wants to.

He’s trying to manipulate you into saying he can go to appease his (fake) upset, so he can go on a jolly with a clear conscience.

The fact that he doesn’t do the ludicrous fake crying in front of anyone else is massively telling.

He’s unreasonable (and childish and thoughtless). His reaction is totally out of proportion. Interesting he can do all these things for himself and others. Whilst leaving you at home on your birthday to be general dogsbody. I can see why you split up before, l don’t think he’s properly got the message that he needs to up his game. As others have said your mental health isn’t freedom to be a dick

Bloody hell, that sounds like a very bizarre and over the top series of events :/

I know the crying is manipulative. He used to do it, long ago. And it was always when he’d come over the top. It used to work too, as I’d become worried about him. Now I feel, if I’m honest, disgusted by it. It makes it so much easier to end things this time round. I’ve lived alone for a year and everything was fine. I’m not dependent on him and he knows that. I think that’s why the swift apology.

I often wonder if he was a new relationship if he’d behave the same.

Don’t worry, it is over. I’ve politely told him it would be best to stay at his tonight. We can talk on Sunday. I just felt shocked initially and needed a bit of a sounding board. Thank you.

Good going Op! I agree with everyone else on this thread and the most important people are you and your son, who needs to be shielded from his fathers manipulation! You are doing the right thing, you are strong, you can do it, you’ve done it before and you’ll do it again. You are clearly a good mother, there is a lot of people out there that wouldn’t take this important step to leave and put their child first.💕

I think you’re doing the right thing, OP. He will not change.

He only behaves this with you and yes, I think he will be on his behaviour in a new relationship (until he thinks he can start to manipulate her too)

I’d leave him op he sounds like he has some fucked up issues. Manipulative, controlling, what kind of partner doesn’t want to celebrate their birthday with them.
Don’t let your child witness this and think it’s normal behaviour.

Holy fuck, have you become desensitised to this behaviour. That is very unusual. I'm choosing my words carefully because he may well be undiagnosed as suggested above.
If he is not needing a diagnosis, and that utterly ridiculous performance is just him with no specific challenges, then pack his feckin bag honey. My mouth fell open at the "he started crying loudly"...

What a ridiculous display. Stay strong OP, you deserve better than this absolute manchild. Getting your son away from this pathetic, toxic behaviour is the best idea you ever had!

Sounds like you have got your shit together. I couldn't live with someone like that. He needs to sort himself out.

He is being massively unreasonable. He sounds like an absolute bastard tbh. I bet your life was much easier without him

Great idea to tell him to stay at his for the weekend then it's much easier to tell him not to come back.

He has form for rewriting arguments to suit himself and the loud, obnoxious crying is something that’s happened for a long time

I haven’t read any further than this yet but just had to say - yuck!

That actually makes my skin crawl. I could not be with a man who cried loudly and obnoxiously (unless someone had died) even once!

Crying!!! Wtf. Rewriting arguments? Kick him out. He will get worse as you are accepting this behaviour by being with him. No more chances.

He sounds deranged

I think you both sound unreasonable. You are a grown adult, do you really need a big fuss on your birthday? Can you spend it with other family or friends instead? IMO saying "I'll think about it and let you know" is very controlling and odd behaviour. Similarly him crying about it sounds like me at about age 13. Maybe you both need to grow up a bit.

Erm send him on the trip & tell him not to come back 🙋‍♀️

Jeez. What a man child.

You're very strong, OP. I admire you.

Hi @FricklesAndSalsa just wanted to see how you are? Stay strong!

Your birthday and the weekend away isn't the issue here. This is not a good role model for your child .