Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Is DH being rude?

29 replies

gov · 12/03/2021 12:55

My recently retired (early) husband has a new annoying habit. He sits around diddling on his phone, which ok, we all do a bit too much. In his case though, he’s playing backgammon online with a real random person over the internet. He has to make a move within 15 secs or he forfeits the game. I of course don’t know he’s doing this, so I’ll just casually chat to him, like - err - we were a married couple - and then he either ignores me or flies off the handle at me for interrupting him, or both. Am I being unreasonable to think that if he is physically present, that he should be mentally present too , and he’s being rude by doing this so much of the time? I do appreciate that when we’re on the phone to someone, we’re physically present but not available, but this is really getting on my nerves.

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 12/03/2021 12:58

Depends, I think it’s a bit much to demand he’s always mentally present when at home and not allowed to get absorbed in something else. Especially during lock down.

But then also he shouldn’t be flying off the handle.

LunaHeather · 12/03/2021 13:00

"Am I being unreasonable to think that if he is physically present, that he should be mentally present too"

Yes. He isn't a visitor, he lives there. Give him space.

sunflowersandbuttercups · 12/03/2021 13:00

I don't think he's really being rude, it's just you're at cross-purposes.

You think that him being on his phone means he's available for conversation, he thinks he's playing backgammon with someone else and is therefore not available.

Maybe he could just let you know before a game starts so that you're not interrupting him?

Notanotherhun · 12/03/2021 13:01

It's rude full stop to be on your phone constantly. Put it away! I've had it up to here with my husband basically scrolling in a trance.

Shinyletsbebadguys · 12/03/2021 13:02

I would say it is hard to tell from the way you've explained. If its a case that you were both sitting in the room chatting and he starts playing the game then yes he is being rude.

However if he was sat in the room playing and you walk in and expect him to immediately stop and respond to you then no I would say its you in the wrong.

Just because he is physically there he may be doing something else. With lockdown DP and I spend a huge amount if time in the room together ,to have to be mentally present and available at the others whim would be beyond exhausting. So likewise if DP is playing on his rocket simulator he will put a hand up if I start talking when he is at a tricky bit and fair enough I wait. The same if I am writing a post on MN or reading a page in a book I don't want to stop at. We will say hang on a sec or whatever else . It would be considered extremely bad form in our house to get sniffy over that.

However if he is starting a game whilst talking to you , or playing excessively then fair enough he is being rude.

DinosaurDiana · 12/03/2021 13:03

Is he doing anything towards the running of the house/garden ?
He can’t expect to sit around and let you do everything.
Could this become a habit that slips into gambling ?
You need to have a discussion about when you are going to have ‘couple time’. If he was off cycling or playing golf you wouldn’t have his attention, so I think that you both need to decide what is an acceptable amount of time to spend on his new hobby, and what is an acceptable way to be spoken too.

GreenBalaclava · 12/03/2021 13:03

Not rude to be on his phone. But rude to fly off the handle at you for chatting to him.

FFSAllTheGoodOnesArereadyTaken · 12/03/2021 13:04

"Am I being unreasonable to think that if he is physically present, that he should be mentally present too"

Yes this in unreasonable.

Asking him to tell you that he is busy (when it's not obvious he cant be disturbed) and to stop ignoring you and shouting at you for interrupting when it was impossible to know if he was just browsing or playing a game, is completely reasonable though

Aimee1987 · 12/03/2021 13:05

I wouldn't consider it rude if hes in the middle of a game. If its bugging you have a conversation with him. I dont think the biting your head off is ok.
Do you still have quality time?

DDiva · 12/03/2021 13:13

I am often in the same room as H but doing something or on my phone on a game or internet. We dont just sit there waiting for the other to speak!

Just because you dont think his game is important dosnt mean he dosnt deserve this down time.

If the amount of time spent on his phone is impacting your relationship or homelife that's a separate but valid issue.

M4J4 · 12/03/2021 13:16

YANBU. Assuming he’s ignoring how this affects you, do it it back to him. Next time you’re watching TV and he tries to talk to you ‘fly’ off the handle at him for interrupting you.

peak2021 · 12/03/2021 13:19

If it was a short period each day, OK, and he let you know too. Sounds not so YANBU.

sunflowersandbuttercups · 12/03/2021 13:22

He can’t expect to sit around and let you do everything. Could this become a habit that slips into gambling?

Wow. Talk about an overreaction!

There's nothing in the OP that suggests he doesn't do anything, and why would playing a free game on the internet mean he's going to start gambling?

ikeepseeingit · 12/03/2021 13:38

@sunflowersandbuttercups

I don't think he's really being rude, it's just you're at cross-purposes.

You think that him being on his phone means he's available for conversation, he thinks he's playing backgammon with someone else and is therefore not available.

Maybe he could just let you know before a game starts so that you're not interrupting him?

This, you just need him to communicate that he's not just googling things. He's playing a game and wants some peace, you don't know that before you talk to him though!

thecatsthecats · 12/03/2021 13:48

Forget backgammon, my husband and I are like this about working from home. We have no choice but to be with each other more or less 24/7, and it's made us upgrade our communications to include permission to check out mentally for the odd evening.

FWIW he got very annoyed at me for sometimes wandering into his office for a work chat, and him sometimes getting rebuffed for doing the same only for me to say I'm busy...

We both had to improve. Him to turn me away when he wasn't actually OK for a chat, and me to ask if he had time and reciprocate a bit more.

WishingHopingThinkingPraying · 12/03/2021 14:10

Imagine him playing on his phone is the same as him watching the news on the tv. Just because you can't hear it doesn't mean he's not engaged in something. Would you keep nattering away while he watched the news or read the paper etc?

UnbeatenMum · 12/03/2021 14:17

You probably just need a signal of some sort, like which room he sits in or putting his hand up if you start to talk like a PP suggested. If he's playing it excessively that's another matter but not wanting to be interrupted at certain times seems reasonable.

starfishmummy · 12/03/2021 14:23

Is there money/gambling involved. That would be worrying me

Easterbunnygettingready · 12/03/2021 14:26

Beat him and bury him under the patio.
Or join him and buy an actual Backgammon set....
I got dh one for Xmas.. May actually get chance to play now dc are back at school!

Original poster

gov · 12/03/2021 14:27

I think I’m going to take the answer from the court of mumsnet whilst the result is in my favour. For background, he does loads round the house & always has, even when he was working. There’s no gambling involved with his games. I told him I was going to ask mumsnet if he was being rude- and I reported the result when it was 60%/ 40% to me. He started squawking that I was unreasonable, citing the fact that he’d wondered whether to go & sit in the lounge or join me in the conservatory & he’d chosen to join me in the conservatory to play his games. Personally, if I’m going to get barked at for speaking to him, I’d rather that he’d gone into the lounge!!

OP posts:

katy1213 · 12/03/2021 14:29

So what are you doing on MN - the biggest waste of time ever!

squashyhat · 12/03/2021 14:32

My OH are both retired, and if we want to do something of our own which requires concentration we do it in different rooms. We are both studying which requires attending online courses so having earplugs in also gives a hint that we are not to be disturbed unless (a) the house is on fire or (b) it's time for House of Games

arethereanyleftatall · 12/03/2021 14:37

Your second response of ten minutes ago is awful.

blibbka · 12/03/2021 14:44

Your husband sounds a bit like me. I like to focus on one thing and I find it intensely frustrating when my other half keeps on interrupting me with random and apparently trivial questions while I'm engrossed in something on my phone / a book / or whatever.

You could just ask if he's busy before chatting to him? I get that to you it looks like he's just sitting around and therefore available - but to him, he's engrossed in something which requires attention.

blibbka · 12/03/2021 14:45

@thecatsthecats

FWIW he got very annoyed at me for sometimes wandering into his office for a work chat, and him sometimes getting rebuffed for doing the same only for me to say I'm busy...

We both had to improve. Him to turn me away when he wasn't actually OK for a chat, and me to ask if he had time and reciprocate a bit more.

I think this is the correct answer. Respectful and honest communication on both sides.

Flip

1 2