Is DH being rude?

[gov]

My recently retired (early) husband has a new annoying habit. He sits around diddling on his phone, which ok, we all do a bit too much. In his case though, he’s playing backgammon online with a real random person over the internet. He has to make a move within 15 secs or he forfeits the game. I of course don’t know he’s doing this, so I’ll just casually chat to him, like - err - we were a married couple - and then he either ignores me or flies off the handle at me for interrupting him, or both. Am I being unreasonable to think that if he is physically present, that he should be mentally present too , and he’s being rude by doing this so much of the time? I do appreciate that when we’re on the phone to someone, we’re physically present but not available, but this is really getting on my nerves.

Arethereanyleft why? Surely if someone comes and joins you in a room & then you speak to them, you don’t expect to be told off for interrupting something going on that you can’t see? Again & again, and most mornings before we get out of bed . It would be fair enough if he did warn me he was playing, but to seek me out & then get cross with me for starting a conversation is imho rude.

@gov

Arethereanyleft why? Surely if someone comes and joins you in a room & then you speak to them, you don’t expect to be told off for interrupting something going on that you can’t see? Again & again, and most mornings before we get out of bed . It would be fair enough if he did warn me he was playing, but to seek me out & then get cross with me for starting a conversation is imho rude.

It doesn't seem particularly realistic or proportionate to expect him to warn you every time he starts playing. Particularly if this is just an impromptu brief game... "Darling, I'm just going to play backgammon on my phone for 10 minutes."

Surely you need to find a win-win here. I think a sensible answer would be to just agree some respectful ground rules. E.g.

a) if he's busy he will let you know that's the case politely (e.g. raise a hand or something) and not "bite your head off".
b) when he does that you'll respect it
c) once the game is over he'll put the phone down and give you his full attention.

Surely if someone comes and joins you in a room & then you speak to them, you don’t expect to be told off for interrupting something going on that you can’t see?

Just because someone in the same room as you, doesn't mean they're in there to speak to you and be engaged in conversation. Maybe he's in that room because it's comfy, it's the right temperature, it's closer to the toilet...whatever. It's his house and he can sit where he likes.

I'd say it depends on how often he does it. You say he does a lot round the house - is he available to talk to then, or does he also expect that you'll not interrupt him? Is he on the phone playing all of the rest of the time, or only sometimes?