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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mother's Day drama!

39 replies

Dramallamabanana · 12/03/2021 09:53

I will preface this by saying we are allowed to mix households where I live

This Mother's Day, DH and I decided to celebrate the day just with us and DD. There is a history of family get togethers being ruined in one way or another by someone (usually my parents), so we are just doing our own thing. Last year we were in lockdown and it was bliss to be able to just enjoy the day as we pleased.

Anyway, I said I would do an afternoon tea at our house for my mother and mother in law (and our dads) on Saturday to make up for not seeing them on the actual day. I am a good baker, and was going to do a full white table cloth, cake stand, proper clotted cream affair.

The problem is that DM thought that afternoon tea was just for her and although she hasn't said anything, I get the impression she is pissed off when I mentioned that MIL was also coming. I had no reply to my message when I said that DH had invited them, and I messaged to ask her something this morning and got a very curt response (which is not like her).

There is a little backstory in that DM has been in imaginary competition with DM ever since they met, which is bonkers because MIL is such a lovely woman. We've all been on holiday together and they actually go out for meals as a foursome without us, so I'm not sure why my mum has such an issue (jealous I would probably say).

So my AIBU is- surely I'm not being unreasonable for my MIL, to come to a Mother's Day afternoon tea at the same time as my DM, so that my husband can see his mother and treat her as well?

I am sure someone will be along to say, Mother's Day is for your own mum, not your MIL, your DH should sort out something for his DM if he wants to celebrate Mother's Day, but that's not how we work as a family. We are close and everyone gets on, so I don't see why its a problem?

I'm seeing DM this afternoon and I'm just waiting for some sort of comment- she is quite controlling and has form for being unreasonably stroppy if she doesn't get her own way so I am dreading it!

YANBU- Its perfectly fine to invite both DMs
YABU- It should be just your DM only

OP posts:
squirrelloveranon · 12/03/2021 09:59

YANBU.
Sometimes parents need to be told to grow up.

Carolina24 · 12/03/2021 10:01

Yanbu, you’ve done a lovely thing and they should be grateful!

Teardrop2021 · 12/03/2021 10:02

I wouldn't mention it to her don't pander to her.

activitythree · 12/03/2021 10:03

I couldn't be arsed with this level of shit. If she says anything just tell her she is invited and it's up to her if she comes or not. Leave it at that.

laudete · 12/03/2021 10:06

Your mom's annoyance is somewhat understandable if you didn't make it clear from the start eg "I'm inviting you and MIL" versus "come over to see me". Similar to if a friend said, "Let's meet for coffee," and later on you find out they invited other people too. I think people like to know immediately if a meeting is 1:1 or a group. There's nothing wrong with a group meeting; it's just a different vibe to a 1:1 meeting. Hope you have a lovely time, regardless. I'm sure your mom will enjoy it as both sides of the fam normally do things together.

Disfordarkchocolate · 12/03/2021 10:06

It sounds a lovely and thoughtful thing to do. Concentrate on that and ignore any drama.

Original poster
Dramallamabanana · 12/03/2021 10:11

@laudete Yes maybe you're right, I should have mentioned it right from the start and then there would have been no confusion.

I should point out that my sister booked lunch at a hotel on actual Mother's Day for my mum, and we weren't invited. This was before I said we were doing our own thing on the day and inviting them to afternoon tea instead. So I do sort of feel like they don't really have a leg to stand on tbh.

OP posts:
zigaziga · 12/03/2021 10:18

Your Mum is acting like a 2 year old.

It already sounds like you’re going above and beyond anyway. I hope you have a lovely day.

SingingSands · 12/03/2021 12:08

You say that you this year you wanted to spend the day with your DD and it was bliss last year when you did so.

Maybe your mum felt the same? That she wanted to spend the day with her own DD?

Original poster
Dramallamabanana · 12/03/2021 13:21

@SingingSands She is having afternoon tea with me and DD on Saturday and then my sister is taking her out for lunch on actual Mother's Day to a lovely hotel. She's had 35 years of Mother's Days and there is form for 'special' days to get ruined in some way so for once I'd quite like something for myself without it being ruined if I'm honest

OP posts:
TheUnwindingCableCar · 12/03/2021 13:25

Tell her both mothers are invited and it's up to her if she comes or not.

Some people just love drama, let her know the situation and then move on.

If she doesn't turn up then it just means extra cake for everyone else.

MzHz · 12/03/2021 13:27

Just be firm.

“Come on the Saturday or don’t come, no difference to me except more cake...”

She ruins everything for you, she’s going to ruin this Mother’s Day weekend for you.

Let your sister take one for the team be the hero

Iloveacurry · 12/03/2021 13:30

Your DM needs to grow up.

Look at this way, you and your DH are getting it over and done with in one go.

Sahm101 · 12/03/2021 13:32

Don't ask her anything. Don't entertain any of her nonsense. If she is spoiling for a reaction, then tell her firmly that she can join in or don't come. She sounds like a brat. Don't pander to that.

AIMD · 12/03/2021 13:32

Yanbu
She sounds self absorbed

Love51 · 12/03/2021 13:37

I think it is better to be clear what is an individual invitation and what is a group invitation. Pre covid I sometimes used to throw playdates so each of my kids had a couple / 3 mates over at the same time, I used to work on the wording of the texts to make it clear it was a group and not a 1:1. I'm not sure why your parents would especially like to spend a lot of time with your in-laws, it isn't the same as inviting 2 groups of people from the same family.
That said, your mum ought to be gracious about it!

Original poster
Dramallamabanana · 12/03/2021 13:40

Thanks all for the replies. Glad to know I'm not BU.

I think you can all gather there is a bit of a back story here. My problem is that I just never have the courage to challenge her (throwback to my childhood unfortunately) so I am dreading seeing her later- I don't think I'd actually be able to say to her, 'Don't come if you don't want to then' because I know there will be flouncing and stropping and it will be me who has to make the peace later

OP posts:
Original poster
Dramallamabanana · 12/03/2021 13:44

@Love51 The thing is my parents do like spending time with my in-laws, they actually go out to dinner without us. A few years ago it was a significant birthday for my FIL and he took us all on holiday, including my parents (didn't hear DM complaining about that funnily enough!).

I think its more that DM will not be complete centre of attention, rather than her not liking or wanting to spend time with the ILS

OP posts:
2bazookas · 12/03/2021 13:46

Just tell DM " It's been a rough year for everyone and that's why I'm doing a Mothers Day tea for ALL the Mothers in my family"

IntermittentParps · 12/03/2021 13:47

I know there will be flouncing and stropping and it will be me who has to make the peace later

Well, you don't HAVE to.

StressedTired · 12/03/2021 13:51

Going against the majority but I'm afraid I think you are being a little unreasonable. I think it's absolutely fine for you to spend Mother's Day however you want to. But then if you organise a Mother's Day treat for your mum, whatever day it's on, that should be about making her feel special and appreciated. Instead you've set it up not to be about her because she's sharing your time, so I think it's to be expected that she's a bit hurt. I would have perhaps said in advance, "I want to throw you and afternoon tea party, I know you get on well with MIL and she enjoys afternoon tea too so would you mind if I invite her the same day or would you rather do something with just us." Maybe you can pull it back by suggesting a follow up day for the two of you to spend time together?

RandomMess · 12/03/2021 13:52

When she strops and flounces enjoy the peace and leave it to her smooth it over.

Treat her as the 2 year old she is, ignore bad behaviour reward good behaviour.

If she wants a relationship with you and your DC she needs to learn to behave like a reasonable adult. You don't have the time or energy to pander to her so stop pandering.

NoParticularPattern · 12/03/2021 13:52

Why do you have to make the peace? You’re not the one doing the stropping or flouncing. You tell her that you thought it would be a nice thing to do and that it’s up to her whether she comes or not. If she chooses not to I fail to see why you then have to make it up to anyone? You didn’t tell her not to come. You haven’t stropped or flounced, she has. If she chooses to act like a toddler having a tantrum then treat her like one.

Blacktothepink · 12/03/2021 14:02

Tell her if she doesn’t like it she doesn’t have to come!

shouldistop · 12/03/2021 14:05

I thought Mother's Day was only this weekend in the UK. It's usually May in other countries isn't it? You learn something new every day.

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