Mother's Day drama!

[Dramallamabanana]

I will preface this by saying we are allowed to mix households where I live

This Mother's Day, DH and I decided to celebrate the day just with us and DD. There is a history of family get togethers being ruined in one way or another by someone (usually my parents), so we are just doing our own thing. Last year we were in lockdown and it was bliss to be able to just enjoy the day as we pleased.

Anyway, I said I would do an afternoon tea at our house for my mother and mother in law (and our dads) on Saturday to make up for not seeing them on the actual day. I am a good baker, and was going to do a full white table cloth, cake stand, proper clotted cream affair.

The problem is that DM thought that afternoon tea was just for her and although she hasn't said anything, I get the impression she is pissed off when I mentioned that MIL was also coming. I had no reply to my message when I said that DH had invited them, and I messaged to ask her something this morning and got a very curt response (which is not like her).

There is a little backstory in that DM has been in imaginary competition with DM ever since they met, which is bonkers because MIL is such a lovely woman. We've all been on holiday together and they actually go out for meals as a foursome without us, so I'm not sure why my mum has such an issue (jealous I would probably say).

So my AIBU is- surely I'm not being unreasonable for my MIL, to come to a Mother's Day afternoon tea at the same time as my DM, so that my husband can see his mother and treat her as well?

I am sure someone will be along to say, Mother's Day is for your own mum, not your MIL, your DH should sort out something for his DM if he wants to celebrate Mother's Day, but that's not how we work as a family. We are close and everyone gets on, so I don't see why its a problem?

I'm seeing DM this afternoon and I'm just waiting for some sort of comment- she is quite controlling and has form for being unreasonably stroppy if she doesn't get her own way so I am dreading it!

YANBU- Its perfectly fine to invite both DMs
YABU- It should be just your DM only

She is jealous. She knows you think MIL is a lovely person and whilst she likes her and enjoys her company when they go to dinner etc she knows that when they come to you, you probably find MIL easier company.

I would ignore any hints and feign absolute amazement if she says anything this afternoon. It’s a lovely invitation for both your mother’s and a celebration of ALL the mother’s present including yourself. Which is why you hope everyone will play nicely and behave 👀

I agree with PP who said treat her like a 2 year old - if she flounces/sighs/sulks just ignore it - when she behaves well, reward it. If she behaves weirdly when you see her later, just chat to her as if there is no problem and she was behaving normally. Don't ask her about it and get drawn into some lengthy discussion.

Hopefully she'll be too embarrassed to behave badly in front of our in-laws on Saturday?! Your plan sounds lovely and generous.

your mum seems to acting like a bit of a twit if she has this imaginary competition with your MIL for no reason but then socialises with her without you. Don't pander to it.

Your Mum is acting like a 2 year old

Her mum hasn't actually said or done anything at all. OP has decided its an issue and has run with it. IF there is any bad behaviour, OP needs to deal with it at the time.

Well I can see where your mil is coming from; you don’t want to see your own mum on Mother’s Day in case she spoils it but you’re ok to risk her spoiling your mils Mother’s Day treat/activity.
It’s perfectly fine not to see them on Mother’s Day but I would have done something separate if there’s a risk of your mum spoiling things

Well it sounds lovely and thoughtful with a scrumptious homemade tea. I really would try and ignore the drama and rise above it.

YANBU. But you can’t change her so if you don’t want to spend the rest of your (or her) life in these weird power struggles you can and should change how you deal with her. It is a choice to be so passive. It might not be easy to change but it might be worth it.

I think your DM is being ridiculous and ungrateful.

Kill her with kindness.

It's just one fucking day why do people have to ruin it with their expectations and entitlement

My mother did something similar for a Christmas that was being organised at my DBs. It wasn't what she wanted and she kep going on and on. In the end, I said DH and I would do our own thing and that case and she suddenly became all sweetness and light, because otherwise it would have shown her up in a bad light.

You might want to give it a try OP

I'd not mention her apparent mood but just go ahead. She has an afternoon tea and lunch the next day, and it's not like she doesn't know your MIL. I'd continue with the plans and she can suck it up. After all MIL is DH's mum.

As both a DM and a MIL- this is a really lovely thing to be doing and I’d be so chuffed you had organised it.

So to up-date everyone, I saw DM this afternoon and she was a little frosty but didn't say anything directly. I asked her what was wrong and she said nothing so I've left it (I am not going to be the one to bring it up). I waved her off with a cheery 'See you tomorrow' and she forced a smile and just said yes see you tomorrow.

A couple of PP have said I'm BU as I'm sharing my time with MIL, so I will point out that DM has asked for a new plant for the garden as a present, and I was going to suggest taking her to the local 'posh' garden centre with toddler DD for her to pick one out and then we have a coffee/cake in the nice cafe there as an extra treat (as well as the flowers and card I've got for tomorrow)

Pressed send too soon- so I am occasionally a nice daughter and do spend time with her 1:1

Sounds like you've got it sorted, the plant/coffee thing sounds a really nice idea too. Enjoy your weekend! (I'm pretty jealous of your lovely plans since I'm somewhere where we can't mix yet and I'll see my mum on screen instead.)