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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who's correct - me or my teens

51 replies

shedragon · 12/03/2021 09:49

I'm not sure this is the right forum, but I couldn't find one for 'political correctness.
We had a discussion at dinner the other night. Throat singing came up. I don't know much about it but I find it to be a strange sound, and I expressed that opinion. The teens (15 and 13) looked at me in horror. They said I cannot say that because it's disrespectful to the indigenous communities that sing this way. I was EH?? I questioned them and it all blew up into this heated discussion about how could I not know this was disrespectful etc etc

Was I disrespectful or is is reasonable to express that opinion?

I'm feeling the generation gap..

OP posts:
BrumBoo · 12/03/2021 10:03

I mean, 'strange' can be a bit loaded as a description. It's certainly different, a very unusual way of singing or communicating between people but I'm not sure I'd call it 'strange'. That suggests a weirdness, when it's just a different culture doing its own thing.

I'm sure they've been watching the videos shared by a young woman on social media, when she explains the tradition, the importance of throat singing and how offensive it is when people laugh at it (looking at our definitely not racist royal family).

Carolina24 · 12/03/2021 10:06

I think it’s a bit inappropriate to describe it as strange just because it’s not something you’re familiar with. It’s a very important cultural tradition for some indigenous peoples, and it feels disrespectful to describe it as strange.

inappropriateraspberry · 12/03/2021 10:18

You're allowed to have an opinion on things! You said you find it a strange sound, but that doesn't mean you hate it or want to ban it from the earth!
I think your children are probably very conscious of rights, equality and 'isms' at the moment and a better explanation of what you meant may help them understand that people can be independent in their opinions.
If I said I don't like Mexican food, does that make me against all Mexicans and Mexico? No, it would mean it's just not my personal taste.
I think they're a bit 'woke.' 🙄

PenguinIce · 12/03/2021 10:19

Isn’t anything someone comes across for the first time strange? I don’t see ‘strange’ as a derogatory term as to me it means unusual/not seen before. Therefore once something was explained to me or I had seen it again I would no longer think it strange.

If you had said it was ridiculous or stupid I could understand your teens outrage.

wishywashywoowoo70 · 12/03/2021 10:20

What does it even mean?

MotherOfCrocodiles · 12/03/2021 10:33

"I think it’s a bit inappropriate to describe it as strange just because it’s not something you’re familiar with."

But that's exactly what strange means?! Google definition of strange:
"not previously visited, seen, or encountered; unfamiliar or alien."

I don't think it's offensive to say it is strange. It would be offensive to laugh at it or mock it, to use it as casual entertainment when it has religious significance in the original culture, or to say it is (objectively) horrible rather than that you (subjectively) didn't enjoy it. Assuming your tone didn't imply those things you are fine.

I would even go further and say if your teens can't tell the difference between an offensive comment and just a comment, that shows a lack of understanding of the issues.

Haydugi · 12/03/2021 10:35

@MotherOfCrocodiles beat me to it

Original poster
shedragon · 12/03/2021 10:39

Thanks for the replies. When I say strange, I mean just that strange to me, my taste, my ear etc. I am from a culture where I find our own traditional singing a bit strange and not much to my liking. I said so to the teens, they said that's different, that's your own culture and you're allowed say that. I dunno.

Carolina - why do you say 'strange' is an inappropriate description? Is it not just descriptive? What's a better word?

I think you're right inappropriaterasp they're just a bit 'woke'. I did try and explain what I meant but they were high up on their horses (metaphorically) and couldn't hear me. Hmm

I think I have well and truly entered the teenage parenting phase

OP posts:
Original poster
shedragon · 12/03/2021 10:41

crosspost with Haydugi.

In a calm moment I might have a (shriek) discussion with the kids about reading the room a bit.

OP posts:
Original poster
shedragon · 12/03/2021 10:42

Grr, I meant corsspost with MotherofCrocs

OP posts:
en0la · 12/03/2021 10:47

Unusual is preferable to strange. I don't find it strange, it's just different.

Mamamia456 · 12/03/2021 10:48

Never heard of it. Will have to Google it now.

coldemortreturns · 12/03/2021 10:53

I think its brilliant that your teens have thought about it and are comfortable to challenge you on a view they dont agree with. This is the age where you come into your own with your own thoughts and opinions.
There's no right or wrong answer here, just the age old situation of teens challenging the older generation as they should!

RB68 · 12/03/2021 10:53

You can say I accept it as part of their culture but its not for me, for me strange is a good description, followed up with its not something I am familiar with in terms of hearing etc so to me it sounds strange but I accept different cultures have different traditions. I cant bear yodelling, I can see the skill but it makes my skin crawl - and I am sure cultures where its the norm there will be people it grates on as well. I don't have to go round proclaiming that but I am entitles to that opinion. I am not entitiled to judge or call out yodellers or whatever

RB68 · 12/03/2021 10:54

I think its amazing when added to a voice in the same body - unreal skill. DO I lie the sound errr I wouldn't choose to listen to it.

RB68 · 12/03/2021 10:59

I just searched its called polyphonic singing not dual singing thats something different.

Firstbellini · 12/03/2021 11:02

It’s not a generational thing. The same discussion could have been had between my two children, one of whom is more woke than the other.

AnneLovesGilbert · 12/03/2021 11:04

I’m cringing remembering the most awkward dinner party I ever went to where a woman insisted her partner serenaded us with throat singing, for about 15 whole minutes, and no one knew where to look.

No type of singing would have been appropriate at the time so it wasn’t anti any particular culture sentiment. If anything the woman in question was trying to display her own fantabulous coolness and inclusiveness by getting her much younger non-English speaking boyfriend to perform his culture. It was toe curling.

Pukkatea · 12/03/2021 11:04

I do think it's a fine line to walk. I don't think you have said anything terrible, I suppose I'm just thinking of other similar examples in my head and they make me feel a bit uneasy.

It would be an interesting conversation to have with them, what cultural practices do they think can be criticised? For example, is art off limits, but womens rights issues fair game?

RedGoldAndGreene · 12/03/2021 11:05

It is reasonable to express that opinion.

Can your teens honestly say that they've never laughed at a joke or impression that involves yodeling, opera singing or other "white" music?

DenisetheMenace · 12/03/2021 11:06

My kids sometimes pull me up on things. They’re usually right 🙄

Thehawki · 12/03/2021 11:06

Hmm I think a better phrase would have been ‘not to your taste’ or even ‘unfamiliar’ or both, because I think that’s what you meant. They just took your phrasing in the wrong way and thought that you were judging it and saying it was wrong.

Maybe it’s a teaching moment for you to tell them that you didn’t mean it in the way they took it and that they can have these discussions without arguing, and if they had listened it wouldn’t have got as heated.

MatildaTheCat · 12/03/2021 11:06

@Carolina24

I think it’s a bit inappropriate to describe it as strange just because it’s not something you’re familiar with. It’s a very important cultural tradition for some indigenous peoples, and it feels disrespectful to describe it as strange.
Surely the very definition of strange is unfamiliar? It doesn’t have to mean unpleasant or weird.
greatauntfanny · 12/03/2021 11:09

What did you say exactly, OP? Did you literally say ‘I think it is a strange sound’? Was there anything in the words or tone you used that suggested you thought it was a weird thing for people to do? This is the important bit.

LilMidge01 · 12/03/2021 11:14

Hmm I think a better phrase would have been ‘not to your taste’ or even ‘unfamiliar’ or both, because I think that’s what you meant. They just took your phrasing in the wrong way and thought that you were judging it and saying it was wrong.

I agree with this. All those spouting the dictionary definition of 'strange' are ignoring how it is commonly used and interpreted and unfortunately, even if you didnt mean it that way, it does come with a loaded implication of some judgement...a bit like 'weird'. And as we all know, 'intention' isnt an excuse to say something offensive. So I think perhaps this all could have been sorted a bit easier and quicker if you'd expressed yourself more clearly that its not to your particular taste, and if they also had been more patient to not just assume you were passing judgement. Sounds like a lesson in communication on both sides and listening to what the other person has to say without just defensively doubling down on what you've said....and given the age of your children, you should be leading by example on that.