Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Trapped and don’t know what to do - need advice

40 replies

Lavendersnow · 12/03/2021 08:55

So me and my partner have split up, we’re not married but we own our house and we have a son together.
My parents, extended family and friends all live in the south and I’m in the north. I moved up here to be with my now ex partner. I have one friend here, who is thinking about leaving the area for work reasons, I have a couple of mum ‘acquaintances’ from baby groups (when they were running) but I feel terribly lonely. The only support network I have here are my ex partner’s parents, but obviously as we’re not split up, I can hardly lean on them anymore.
I miss my parents, the friends I grew up with, who have children a similar age to my son and who I’m in contact with a lot.

I have horrible depression and long term anxiety issues. I also think I’m still suffering with PND. I really want to move back down south, which is about 200 miles from here. But obviously I can’t. I’m completely trapped and it’s making me almost suicidal. I can’t leave and take my son, as his dad wouldn’t allow it and if I go and live back there and leave my son here, I’ll hardly ever see him and won’t be a big part of his life.

I honestly hate my life and I wish I’d never made the decision to move here. Lockdown isn’t helping as I haven’t seen my parents in 9 months now due to us always being in different tiers etc previously. The only good thing that has come out of moving here has been having my son, but I don’t know what to do. I’m honestly feeling so low.

If anyone can offer any advice, please let me know.

OP posts:
BunnyRuddington · 12/03/2021 08:59

I'm so sorry that you are suffering like this. If you are feeling trapped and almost suicidal, I think the first step stalking to your GP.

Are you and DS in the house until it's sold? How is the house sale going?

There's no reason that you can't move back to your hometown either. It might make contact more complicated but it is doable especially as your MH is suffering.

underneaththeash · 12/03/2021 09:04

Why can't you move OP? There are no restrictions on moving within the UK. Just go, you don't need your ex's permission, just tell him you're going.
You'll obviously need to come to some sort of arrangement with childcare either informally or through a mediator, but a week on/week off might work.

Just4thisone · 12/03/2021 09:11

Is there any domestic violence? Are you the main carer of your child? I cant see how he can actually stop you from moving back south as long as your not stopping him seeing his son. He can drive down or maybe meet half way then maybe he could have him over the weekends.

Once lock down is over/less restrictions could you maybe spend a bit of time with your family for a couple of weeks and have some thinking space.

WishingHopingThinkingPraying · 12/03/2021 09:11

OP I think you are not as obliged to stay as you think. I feel sorry for your ex if you leave but there are more important things and life isn't so neat and tidy. Can you afford some legal advice? I think a happy stable home near your support network with regular contact with your ex is preferable to a seriously unwell mum.

LemonTT · 12/03/2021 09:14

One of the reasons for your move is that you miss your parents. That’s a valid feeling. But you child will have those feelings as well about missing one of his parents. He is a child and as his parents both you and your ex need to ensure that he is able to be close to both of you. I totally stand by the decision that you should split if you are unhappy together. But in doing so you both have a responsibility to your child.

I sympathise with your MH issues but there are other means of addressing those problems that will be effective.

BunnyRuddington · 12/03/2021 09:16

Can you afford some legal advice?

If you can't, try Rights of Women which is a free service.

OverTheRainbow88 · 12/03/2021 09:19

How old is your child? Are you currently living with your son in the jointly owned house? Why can’t you leave? Are you working?

If you aren’t working and your parents are willing I would suggest you go and stay with them for a month and see how you feel after that?

AnxietyForever · 12/03/2021 09:21

Why can't you leave and take your son? Are you his primary care giver?

Could you go and move in with your mum for a while?

Original poster
Lavendersnow · 12/03/2021 09:49

@underneaththeash I just think he’d be devastated if he couldn’t see his son regularly as he’s a very devoted dad, despite us not getting on. They have a great bond. So I’m very torn. Also I’m worried about all the upheaval for my son too, moving from one area to another all the time.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lavendersnow · 12/03/2021 09:51

There’s no domestic violence, it’s an amicable separation based on personality issues and the fact we just don’t get on now. We’ve decided it’s better to separate, we don’t have anything in common other than our son and neither of us are happy.

He has a great relationship/bond with our son and so this is where I’m so torn and feel so trapped. I feel I owe it to my son not to take him away from his father, but at the same time I have no support here, or very little at least.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lavendersnow · 12/03/2021 09:53

DS is 2 and I’m not currently working due to lockdown, I lost my job shortly before the pandemic and my MH has meant I’ve been unable to find anything suitable.

OP posts:
OverTheRainbow88 · 12/03/2021 09:55

What’s the current child care arrangements? How much time does his dad have contact?

As your not working it actually makes it much easier to move to your parents as you don’t have to stay in that area for your work!

dontdisturbmenow · 12/03/2021 09:59

I was in your shoes. With 3 kids, even longer distance to 'home'. It's really hard indeed, but it is really the oy way for your child to build a proper bond with their dad as they deserve. It's not their fault you separeted.

It does get easier as you get to meet people and make new friends. This new place gradually became my new home, unconsciously with time and 20 years on, I wouldn't move anywhere else in the UK. I have many friends, remarried, and everything is familiar.

As it is, my kids are no very close to their dad, one cut contact years ago, but I can look myself in the eyes, and theirs, knowing that it had nothing to with me and that's worth so much.

The lockdown certainly makes everything ten times worse but hopefully, when things return to normal, you'll be able to make friends and enjoy life more.

Original poster
Lavendersnow · 12/03/2021 10:28

@OverTheRainbow88 we’re still living together, so have equal childcare really. He does a lot, he’s a very hands on dad, which is the biggest problem in all this and decisions.

OP posts:
Sunhoop · 12/03/2021 10:37

Ah I was going to ask how hands on he is but I see you've answered. I'm sorry you're having such a hard time OP. I'm in a similar situation but I will be moving back to my home town in the summer as my STBXH has never been very hands on and works crazy hours so me moving the DC 3 hours away won't be a huge upheaval. I would think differently in your shoes.

Can you try to look for the positives. If he's a good dad he will most likely share the parenting, giving you lots of free time to build up a life for yourself there? Or is there another town/city close by that you think would give you more options to build a nice life for yourself and your DS and is still close enough for his dad to see him regularly? I hope things look up for you soon Flowers

Sunhoop · 12/03/2021 10:39

If you move home you will have to do it all singlehandedly which is VERY draining/stressful at times. Even with family around it's not the same as sharing the load with the other parent. At least this way you'll get regular down time and can focus on your own needs.

Ilovechinese · 12/03/2021 12:53

You can leave and take tour son, you dont need his permission. He can still visit him. Forget lockdown rules go stay with your parents and find somewhere to live near them

M4J4 · 12/03/2021 12:55

Just go, OP. Don’t tell and just present a done deal.

Your child needs a well mum.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 12/03/2021 12:56

The south is a lot more expensive that the north. If you are not working how would afford the move?

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 12/03/2021 12:57

Can't believe some of the responses on here. She has said hes a devoted dad. If oP was a dad saying he was going to move his child 200 miles from a devoted mum people would go berserk

RandomMess · 12/03/2021 12:59

Do you feel you could go and stay with your parents for a few months and then come back when things have opened up more etc. Do you think that would make you feel worse?

Perhaps a decent chunk of time with your parents will help with your depression etc you can ensure there is plenty of FaceTime with your ex etc.

In the future because he is a hands on Dad you could do longer EOW and then come down to visit parents/friends when he's with your ex?

You already acknowledge he is a great hands on Dad so removing your son 200 miles away needs to be a last resort.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 12/03/2021 12:59

The child needs a well mum but he needs a dad too, it sounds like he luckily has a good one and it's important to protect that relationship too.

SecondBabyGirl · 12/03/2021 13:03

It sounds like your ex is a reasonable guy. Why don’t you talk to him and tell him how you feel? Explain that on the one hand you don’t want to move your son away from him but on the other hand living alone up there with no friends or family or support is making you very lonely and depressed. If he is a good man and good father than he won’t want the mother of his son feeling like this. It’s possible you could come to some sort of arrangement? Why can’t you move down south and your ex also move? Or is there some way you could facilitate longer periods of contact eg he could do a few days with each parent?

OverTheRainbow88 · 12/03/2021 13:03

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland

But OP shouldn’t have to sacrifice her life and mental health to accommodate where the dad lives. He’s close to his family and friends, OP is struggling mentally and is isolated from her family.

SecondBabyGirl · 12/03/2021 13:05

And to be fair the whole reason you moved up there was to be with him. If you are now no longer with him, don’t have a job there, don’t have friends or family then there is no reason you should now spend the next 10-20 years of your life up there just because that’s where his dad is. It would be just as reasonable for him to relocate.