Trapped and don’t know what to do - need advice

[Lavendersnow]

So me and my partner have split up, we’re not married but we own our house and we have a son together.
My parents, extended family and friends all live in the south and I’m in the north. I moved up here to be with my now ex partner. I have one friend here, who is thinking about leaving the area for work reasons, I have a couple of mum ‘acquaintances’ from baby groups (when they were running) but I feel terribly lonely. The only support network I have here are my ex partner’s parents, but obviously as we’re not split up, I can hardly lean on them anymore.
I miss my parents, the friends I grew up with, who have children a similar age to my son and who I’m in contact with a lot.

I have horrible depression and long term anxiety issues. I also think I’m still suffering with PND. I really want to move back down south, which is about 200 miles from here. But obviously I can’t. I’m completely trapped and it’s making me almost suicidal. I can’t leave and take my son, as his dad wouldn’t allow it and if I go and live back there and leave my son here, I’ll hardly ever see him and won’t be a big part of his life.

I honestly hate my life and I wish I’d never made the decision to move here. Lockdown isn’t helping as I haven’t seen my parents in 9 months now due to us always being in different tiers etc previously. The only good thing that has come out of moving here has been having my son, but I don’t know what to do. I’m honestly feeling so low.

If anyone can offer any advice, please let me know.

I'm sorry you are feeling this way op. It's not ok to take your son away from his dad. If your ex was useless and wasn't hands on then I would say just go. But this isn't in the best interests of your ds. the first step should be seeing your gp. How is your relationship with your IL? If it is an amicable split, then they might still be supportive to you? Can you go for just a little bit to your parents to get in a better headspace and then come back?

But OP shouldn’t have to sacrifice her life and mental health to accommodate where the dad lives. He’s close to his family and friends, OP is struggling mentally and is isolated from her family.

💯

I would have no hesitate in going back home.

If you were living near your parents and your ex moved 200 miles away then he would be slated because he was limiting the time he could spend with his child. Once lockdown is over you will be able to visit your parents and they will be able to visit you. Your child deserves quality time with both of his parents, not just eow with a father who has to finish work on a Friday then undertake a 200 mile drive, arriving after child's bedtime so only seeing him on the Saturday and maybe Sunday until early afternoon when he has to then drive back.
If you do decide to move how do you see contact going, where would ex have this contact for example is he expected to book a hotel or airb&b eow?

Move, nothing stopping you. Nothing stops men from moving wherever they like.
You do what you need to do to make your life better.
If you think he's going to be difficult then don't tell him until you have done it.

I would also prioritise my childs needs. Moving 200 miles away from their parent would really be a last resort.

Would your ex be prepared to move? Or at least move nearer to your home town? It’s a difficult decision and I sympathise. How hands on would your family be and would your son have cousins etc close by? And would gaining closer relationships with those people ease the potential upset of not seeing his dad as much? I think you need a conversation with your ex, explain it all but get it all clear in your own head beforehand including possible solutions regarding contact if you do move (eg he could have longer with DS in school hols once he’s at school, halfway meet ups at weekends etc).

Also I’m worried about all the upheaval for my son too, moving from one area to another all the time.

Children of 2 are very adaptable and as long as he still sees his DF, he should be fine.

I'm sure he'd want a Mum who was happy with friends and family around her than you being depressed and isolated. Move while you can, ideally before he starts school.

I think you should speak to your ex-partner. If things are amicable and he is a good and hands on father, simply leaving without saying anything or presenting it as a fait accompli is a) totally unfair to both him and your son; b) likely to sour relations and make things anything but amicable. Any trust will be destroyed, good will evaporated. This will help no-one going forward, especially the child caught in the middle.

If that was done to me, I’d be absolutely furious and hurt. And I would be a lot less likely to compromise with my ex-partner in the future- I simply would not trust them to act fairly. And it is worth remembering that if he has PR (I.e. is on the birth certificate) he could seek a court order to prevent OP from moving. I have no idea if he would take such a step, but surely simply up and leaving without saying is far more likely to trigger something like this than trying to come to a mutually acceptable agreement?

I think it would be better for you, your DS and your relationship with your ex-partner to have a discussion about how you feel, that you want to be closer to your parents for support etc snd see what he says. I do think it is important, however, that you facilitate your DS’s relationship with his father and recognise that moving will have an impact on them both. If you feel you have to do it for your health, then it needs to be considered. But you do have to bear in mind that this could have an impact on both of them and their relationship, so need to bear in mind their needs too.

I think it's a bit harsh to say theres nothing stopping you and to just move. Well if it's been 50 50, what's then stopping the dad refusing to give the son back when it's his contact if parenting has been equally shared.
Yes I'm sure your son would want a happy mum. But I'm sure he would also want an involved father who he could see in the week when he was older rather than at the weekend after a few hours drive.
I dont think there are any right answers or easy answers here. But I dont think saying 'move away, men do it all the time' is the answer, and if the father has truly been involved as much as the mother in the childs life (other than things they can't physically do like pregnancy and childbirth) then I also think you cant just unilaterally decide to move and take the child with you, as you should really have equal say in how your child is raised.
Remember lockdown may have contributed to this a lot. Lots of people are lonely and miserable. With my eldest child I had made friends with other parents at this stage but my youngest is 3 and I havent made any friends through her as there has been so much disruption to classes and stuff and nursery is drop off outside distances with masks which makes it harder to strike up conversation. A breakup is stressful at any time and makes people want to see their family etc. Also not having a job must have put an incredible strain on you and made the isolation worse. Because of this I wouldn't make any major decisions now. I'd wait til lockdown is over and work hard at making new friends and trying for a new job and then give it a year before making any decisions. This will also give you time to see how splitting child care pans out. He might be a devoted father now but if he meets someone else this could change and then if you have your son 90pc of the time you would then have more of a say over where he lived

Well if it's been 50 50, what's then stopping the dad refusing to give the son back when it's his contact if parenting has been equally shared.

If the arrangements are sorted through the Court it's usually a Court Order that would stop him doing that.

One (of many) things you have to think about is what can you afford to do. You say you are not working currently, so you would not get a mortgage and would only get a benefits based rental which are had to come by. You would not be entitle to social housing if you have reasonable equity in the house. You could not pay the mortgage on the house you are in with no income.

What does your partner think of the hosting situation? Realisitcally unless he is prepared to move out but continue to pay for the house until younarenin a position to afford something yourself then you may not have a choice except to rely on family.

Hosting= housing

Or there is always the option of Mum moving and Dad having the child.

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland

Can't believe some of the responses on here. She has said hes a devoted dad. If oP was a dad saying he was going to move his child 200 miles from a devoted mum people would go berserk

Exactly. If it was a man saying this he'd be a terrible father for even considering it

Its a tough one, but I think if you're desperately unhappy that is going to impact your son much more than a distance relationship with his dad. My ex maintained a good relationship with his children 400 miles away. They lived in London together, she moved back home to the Midlands and him to the south coast when they split. It involved fewer but longer visits to us. EOW obviously wasn't viable. This was all before the days of facetime as well.