to want something different ? how to do I tell my bestie though ...

[whattocallmyselfeh]

Pre lockdown me and my bestie would go out every other weekend. We are mid 40's. Going out usually meant a crowded bar, DJ, pushing to get to the bar, drunken people all around us, out till 3am and a hell of a lot of drink. I've enjoyed lockdown in the sense that I've had time for myself and life has generally been more laid back and chilled. Post lockdown, my bestie is going to want to go back to our nights out again. But I no longer want to go to the same type of places. These bars are full of 20/25 year olds - nothing wrong with that, just a much younger crowd for my liking. I want to go to bars and have some music - not quite the loud DJ type though - but not the younger crowded bars where I feel old and they can all keep going until 3am but by midnight I'm done and ready for bed. My bestie is single and likes going to the crowded places to go ''out on the pull'', I'm married and generally want a much more relaxed evening. How do I tell my bestie that ? or am I being selfish/boring ?

I had enough of nights out like that by the time I was early 30s so no you aren't being boring! I need to be in bed by midnight. Just tell her. She can find another mate to go on the pull with.

I don't think you'll have to tell her anything tbh. Crowded bars are a thing of the past.

Are you sure you’re mid 40’s? Or is that a typo? I’ve never heard anyone beyond their early 20’s refer to their friends as their ‘bestie’.

@GoryGilmore - not a typo, def mid 40s and feeling it more so lately. In my area we all refer to our closest friend as besties - even my 60 year old friend does !

Bestie and hubby are two words that guarantee that I can’t be bothered to read the thread properly.

Fair enough! As a PP has said, I think going out to bars etc won’t be as spontaneous, carefree and fun for a long time, so you might find your problem resolved itself.

@GoryGilmore

Are you sure you’re mid 40’s? Or is that a typo? I’ve never heard anyone beyond their early 20’s refer to their friends as their ‘bestie’.

I have to agree! ‘Bestie’ and ‘BFF’ really grind my gears!

I’m in 30s and don’t go on nights like that anymore. Don’t get me wrong I love a drink, but in someone’s kitchen or in a restaurant is much more fun for me. Can you just be honest with her?

@seashells11 um I really don’t think they are. Life will be back to normal as much as all the Covid moaners don’t want it to be!

I use bestie at 47 op! Anyway you just need to research the better places to to. There are some great bars with live music for a more mixed age group. Your bestie is more likely to meet her future hubby at these places rather than a one nighters at a young place

Just be honest with her. Tell her your priorities have changed then look into what suits you both...

Just tell her. Getting extremely drunk in a bar when you are in your mid 40s is bad enough let alone being surrounded by people in their 20s .

It is perfectly normal and reasonable to not want to do this. It is also perfectly normal and reasonable to have had a change of heart after the time off you have had recently.

Think about what you do want to do and ask her if she would like to do that instead. Give her other options.

So your friend likes to drag you along on her nights out hoping to 'pull'? So if she does 'pull' you are just left there like a lemon? Sounds like my idea of hell. Just tell her it's not your thing any more

Yeah, I'm faced with the same thing. I'm just going to tell her that it's not really my scene anymore and I'm not enjoying it.

She's got other friends she can do that with

Maybe you could compromise and take turns in decide what you do? An art gallery or a gig one week then a bar next time for example. Also maybe set a drink limit and time curfew in advance and stick to it. Hangovers are horrible after 40 - you don’t need to be doing that to yourself twice a month!

I'm the 40 something in my group of friends that wants to do the clubbing etc. I have friends who enjoy quiet pubs and some who enjoy spa days and nights in hotels and theatre. We all just compromise.

Priorities change. Just tell her. If she's your friend, you'll find other things to do together.

I mean, I don't know how you went to clubs where everyone was 20 before lockdown - I'm mid 30s and allergic to partying with kids haha much prefer places with a range of ages or people more my age.

Just tell her. Or don't go. She'll find other ppl to party with

@Reinventinganna

Bestie and hubby are two words that guarantee that I can’t be bothered to read the thread properly.

So why bother comment? Just so you can complain about something I assume? Or was it to look down on someone because they're not as "well spoken" as you? Either way hope it gave you a great start to your day!!

I’m 30 and am relieved I don’t have to go on that kind of night out ever again.
Maybe the first time you go out post-lockdown with her, suggest a nice place that you do want to go to.

Could you phrase it in terms of what you do want? So less ‘sorry friend I don’t want to do this thing any more that I strongly identify with you’ (which could make her worry it’s either a rejection of her or that you’ve just been putting up with these nights because it’s what she wanted) and more ‘I’ve been enjoying being more chill and earlier bedtimes, when we get to do nights out again what I’m looking forward to is more live music in bars’ or whatever?

Jesus YANBU OP! I love a good night out but not like the ones from my 20s, I imagine that's hellish in your 40's and she's highly unlikely to meet a decent man in his 40's doing the same (I imagine?)

Instead of being blunt about it and potentially making her feel bad, perhaps when things get back to normal just start making other "suggestions". Research what's on in your area (music/comedy shows whatever floats your boat) and ask her to come, or just suggest bars with an older crowd? The ones that close before midnight.

I know I'm being ageist here and it probably depends where you live, but I think it looks a little desperate going out acting like you're two decades younger. Fine on the odd occasion but every second weekend is too much.

@Reinventinganna

Bestie and hubby are two words that guarantee that I can’t be bothered to read the thread properly.

I'm sure we will cope

@whattocallmyselfeh

I don't think you need to say anything in advance. Just ask if she wants to do xyz (that you want to do) and see how things go. You might find she has changed too. If she suggests abc and you don't fancy it, just say that you don't really feel like doing that & suggest somewhere else.

Life isn't just going to immediately be like it was pretty 2020, so take things as they come. No need to cause upset in advance.

No you're not being selfish! Maybe she is selfish, or would be if she wanted you to go knowing you weren't enjoying it!

Just tell her how you feel, she might not mind?

Sounds hell and I couldn't last past 1am!