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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don't want him to be friends with ex.

51 replies

Getoffmyhat · 11/03/2021 19:34

My partner recently got in touch with an ex girlfriend. They are fb friends and he wanted to reminisce about a funny time they had once together. Anyway, I'm not 100% ok with this but partner has been transparent and it was nice he was trying to include me.
Ex girlfriend is now messaging more often and now signs off with kisses. The odd code word from their relationship or phrases that aren't funny to me (because I wasnt there!) are starting to creep in and I don't like it!
I know it makes me sound jealous but I worried they will develop feelings for each other again.
They split up 20 ish years ago when she went off to uni.
Would ibu to ask him to give the messaging a break for a while? Just until we can establish some boundaries? I dunno if I sound nuts here!

OP posts:
BingBongToTheMoon · 11/03/2021 19:38

You can’t control who he has a past with, nor who he is friends with.
20 years ago?! I mean....come on, get a grip and stop trying to control him.

brushlaptop · 11/03/2021 19:40

I would be annoyed with that, there is no need. I never keep in touch with exes unless I want to get back with them.

Original poster
Getoffmyhat · 11/03/2021 19:41

@BingBongToTheMoon

You can’t control who he has a past with, nor who he is friends with. 20 years ago?! I mean....come on, get a grip and stop trying to control him.
Not trying to control him. I've been supportive so far. I just see a line starting to be crossed and I'd like it to not get that far
OP posts:
Original poster
Getoffmyhat · 11/03/2021 19:43

@brushlaptop

I would be annoyed with that, there is no need. I never keep in touch with exes unless I want to get back with them.
I also don't see the need for them to keep in touch. I don't keep in touch with any of mine.
OP posts:
Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 11/03/2021 19:51

But just because you don't keep in touch with yours doesn't mean he has to do the same. Some people manage to have friendships with exes, although for the record i am not one of them. If one started messaging me after 20 years i wouldn't feel anything for them, especially if i was already in a relationship with someone i was happy with. I don't think you've said how long you've been together but i would trust in what you have with your partner. Being jealous if there is nothing untoward is more likely to put him off than a few messages from someone he knew a long time ago.

Original poster
Getoffmyhat · 11/03/2021 19:54

@Hellodarknessmyoldpal

But just because you don't keep in touch with yours doesn't mean he has to do the same. Some people manage to have friendships with exes, although for the record i am not one of them. If one started messaging me after 20 years i wouldn't feel anything for them, especially if i was already in a relationship with someone i was happy with. I don't think you've said how long you've been together but i would trust in what you have with your partner. Being jealous if there is nothing untoward is more likely to put him off than a few messages from someone he knew a long time ago.
I hear what you're saying but it's not just a few messages. It was that initial one, now they happening daily. The kisses have crept in at the end the messages. He had a "good morning" one today. We've been together 10 years 2 dc.
OP posts:
Gilead · 11/03/2021 19:54

My first husband is my best friend, in fact I’m friends with all my exes bar one. There would be no room for people not willing to include my friendship group.

ThatsNotTheTeaHunty · 11/03/2021 19:55

I think your feelings are valid in all honesty.
People saying they are friends with their ex that's nice but do you text daily and tell them to have a good morning etc? Bit odd IMO.

NormanStangerson · 11/03/2021 19:59

We've been together 10 years 2 dc

This changes things @Getoffmyhat for some reason I assumed it was a new relationship.

This is really not ok.

FlapAttack23 · 11/03/2021 20:00

I wouldn’t like it much but he is choosing to do this.. the fact he wants to is the problem.. you banning it is probably just going to make him resentful . If I were you I’d leave it be and it will either fizzle out or it’ll become a full blown thing and reignite and if he leaves he leaves 🤷‍♀️ Would just happen later with someone else if you stopped it with this one if that’s what he wants. Probably terrible advice sorry but I’d rather a man be gone than have to nail him down

Littlepaws18 · 11/03/2021 20:04

I so would not be cool with this on any level. They were in a relationship not friends, the boundary of friendship was hurdled over and it's not like they had a history of friendship, he only just started doing this- I would tell him out right how uncomfortable and destabilising this is. Especially texting everyday and with kisses. Not cool at all

Amdone123 · 11/03/2021 20:26

Like a pp, I thought it was a new ish relationship and you were just being a bit jealous. I was ready to say there's no real harm.
But !!! You've now added that you've been married for 10 years, 2 DC, the texts are daily and he got a good morning one !! How would he like it if your ex texted you good morning??!!
I don't consider myself a jealous or insecure woman. I have been married almost 3 decades and trust my husband implicitly, but if he got a text from someone saying Good Morning, I would not be happy. It's far too personal.

Tal45 · 11/03/2021 20:31

If this was a long standing friendship and you were a newish partner then it would be fine. But you are a long standing partner and it sounds like this is a newly ignited 'friendship'.
Would he be ok with a man messaging you everyday and saying good morning with kisses?

Bagelsandbrie · 11/03/2021 20:34

This is how it started when my now ex dh left me for a girlfriend he’d found on Facebook. I would not be happy with this at all. He would have to block her.

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 11/03/2021 20:36

Oh 10 years together and 2 DC i was not expecting from your OP although i am not sure it would change too much about my reply. I think the main sentiment of trusting your relationship applies even more so, if you feel that you trust him, he is a good partner and you guys are generally happy then don't let this creep in. Don't worry about the kisses, that is probably habit.

The difference that the 10 years together makes imo is that you should be able to tell him that you're finding the messages a bit much especially if they are aa regular as 'good morning' messages. Since he is sharing these with your hopefully he will be willing to listen to how it makes you feel.

comfyslippets · 11/03/2021 20:36

Nah. Not ok at all. Once someone texts good morning texts I'd say the other person is that persons first thought when they wake up. I'd find it disrespectful if that was my partner.

JackieTheFart · 11/03/2021 20:40

I would be fine with the contacting and speaking to an ex, although I personally am not friends with any of mine.

I would not be very pleased with the cute little memories and in words, but I wouldn’t do anything about it unless he started to reciprocate.

WhenLifeReturns · 11/03/2021 20:42

@comfyslippets

Nah. Not ok at all. Once someone texts good morning texts I'd say the other person is that persons first thought when they wake up. I'd find it disrespectful if that was my partner.
Exactly this. He is crossing a line and you need to speak to him about it. I've seen it too often where men & women don't set out to hurt the person they love but end up developing feelings for someone else. Nip it in the bud now.
Marty13 · 11/03/2021 20:43

Well... It does seem a bit excessive with the kisses and daily messages. On the other hand, there isn't much you can or should do about it. If you tell him you're unhappy with it he might just keep texting without telling you about it and anyway in your place I wouldn't be enthralled at the thought of becoming the text police. So I think my best advice is to focus on your relationship with him rather than his relationship with her, and accept that you can't control what he does. Like a pp said, if he's going to go I'd rather it be sooner than later. But I'm single and happy so probably not in the best position to hand out advice !

FOJN · 11/03/2021 20:43

I think if they had maintained a friendship since they split up I wouldn't be bothered but getting in touch after so long and the escalation of the messaging would ring alarm bells for me and I wouldn't be happy. One of my ex's is my closest friend so I'm not inclined to be suspicious about this type of friendship.

Original poster
Getoffmyhat · 12/03/2021 05:12

I sadly agree. If something is going to happen, then it will happen. Me putting on boundaries or asking him to stop isn't going to change that but it's like watching a car crash in slow motion. I wish there was something I could do.
Dp and I are happy. We've had some hardship this year with money worries and redundancies but we get through it.
They're bonding over a mutual hobby of which I have no interest in (I've tried over the years, I just don't have the time to dedicate to it like dp does!) I feel sick

OP posts:
iCantFeelMyFaceWhenImWithYou · 12/03/2021 05:44

I think it's a bit fishy tbh. If it were the odd message here and there that would be ok but seeing as they've managed to not talk for 20yrs I would be wondering why suddenly can they not stop messaging each other (most days by the sound of it?) does he always reply? Does he show you the replies? Do you know her at all or have spoken to her? Is she in a relationship or is she single and enjoying the attention? I certainly don't think you are being unreasonable to feel concerned about this. I wouldn't ask him to stop but I would make sure to tell him that it is starting to feel wrong and that it is worrying you deep down...I think if he care about you he would realise it is getting too much and cool it off or stop altogether (basically I don't necessarily think you should ask him to stop but I do think that he should stop of his own accord once he knows that's it's making you uncomfortable and upset)
I am a bit confused tho as to why he wanted to reconnect with her just to reminisce over a memory in the first place...after 20yrs no contact I would find it odd if someone from my past suddenly wanted to reminisce over old times! Very strange.

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 12/03/2021 07:47

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Repeats outing post.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 12/03/2021 08:46

Ex girlfriend is now messaging more often and now signs off with kisses. The odd code word from their relationship or phrases that aren't funny to me (because I wasnt there!) are starting to creep in and I don't like it!

How are you seeing these messages? Are you asking to see them? Checking his phone? I’d find it all very controlling. Be careful how you tread - the last thing you want is for you to be the ex (and one he isn’t on friendly terms with).

Skysblue · 12/03/2021 10:38

Yanbu. It’s weird and sounds like flirting / exploring options . Probably they’re both bored in lockdown family daily life, and want to revisit their youth, but that kind of thing can revive feelings and more importantly flirting with his ex is incredibly disrespectful to you. There is no good reason for her to be sending him a ‘good morning xx’ type message.

Tell him it is flirting, at least on her side, and making you sad and uncomfortable, and to please stop it.