I don't want him to be friends with ex.

[Getoffmyhat]

My partner recently got in touch with an ex girlfriend. They are fb friends and he wanted to reminisce about a funny time they had once together. Anyway, I'm not 100% ok with this but partner has been transparent and it was nice he was trying to include me.
Ex girlfriend is now messaging more often and now signs off with kisses. The odd code word from their relationship or phrases that aren't funny to me (because I wasnt there!) are starting to creep in and I don't like it!
I know it makes me sound jealous but I worried they will develop feelings for each other again.
They split up 20 ish years ago when she went off to uni.
Would ibu to ask him to give the messaging a break for a while? Just until we can establish some boundaries? I dunno if I sound nuts here!

Nope.

No cool wife here.

Ask him how he'd feel if you were now getting good morning messages from an ex, with kisses.

Ask him, if he'd reconnected with an old male friend from 20 years ago and the messages had started to come every day, starting with 'good morning' - wouldn't he think that's weird?

It is weird. It wouldn't happen with an old male friend because that pattern of contact is flirty. A few messages to reconnect and then the odd message - normal. What's starting here is a new looking for some intimacy and every day contact thing.

I'd be sitting down with him and looking him in the eye and saying, I'm not ok with this and if you want to prioritise our relationshipand family you need it to stop. Carry on, and you're sending me a clear message that it's the opposite.

Make it clear - then it's up to him.

@Littlepaws18

I so would not be cool with this on any level. They were in a relationship not friends, the boundary of friendship was hurdled over and it's not like they had a history of friendship, he only just started doing this- I would tell him out right how uncomfortable and destabilising this is. Especially texting everyday and with kisses. Not cool at all

Exactly.

My husband is still friends with one of his exes from uni years. She's part of their uni friendship group since before they were together, and after they split up. So I'm ok with them being friends. They only have text communication on WhatsApp groups with other mates etc, not private good morning texts! That's not on.

It’s one thing being on good terms with exes, preferable to diving down alleyways at the sight of them, but “good morning” texts with kisses a bit much.

If my husband was messaging an ex girlfriend daily, and reminiscing and sending coded replies relating to their previous relationship. If they were messaging each other good morning texts.

I'd consider it the end of our relationship personally.

"I never keep in touch with exes unless I want to get back with them."

Bully for you. I keep in touch with a few because we're friends

yeah I keep in touch with an ex and we are still good friends and I always try to make sure my DP is aware and ok with this (we shared a lot of our life together and I think it is 100% possible to still be friends without any of the old 'feelings' which are completely gone for me). So nothing wrong in principle of having an ex as a friend imo

However- under no circumstances would I be texting my ex, 'Good morning xx' or anything that would be unusual outside a regular friendshsip. Our texts are intermittent (can be a few days in a row and also not speak for months) and are usually factual, sharing updates, or sharing a funny meme.

I agree with the poster saying would he think it was a weird relationship with a male friend? Most likely. In which case it is not ok

I dont keep in touch with my exes (theres only two from 15yrs ago) why would I?they dont know me anymore.

My dh had flings with a few women in our friendship group/community but wouldnt ever text them and would never bring up their past relationship ships out of respect for me, them and their husbands.

Of COURSE YANBU. Most women, (probably ALL actually,) would not be happy with this.

When women say on here that they'd be more than happy with a situation like this, I think 'LOL such bullshit. No WAY would you tolerate it.'

Ignore the naysayers @Getoffmyhat YANBU at ALL. You have every right to be fucked off.

I wouldn't be happy. You've been together 10 years and the messaging is a new thing so that would get my spidey senses going.
I assume she knows about you? Does he show you the messages?
An ex from years ago messaged my partner a few years ago, he showed me the message, it was all I miss you stuff. The first he'd heard from her in over 10 years and he immediately blocked her.
If they were friends she'd have been in touch before 20 years. Have you asked him to stop messaging her?

@YoniAndGuy

Nope.

No cool wife here.

Ask him how he'd feel if you were now getting good morning messages from an ex, with kisses.

Ask him, if he'd reconnected with an old male friend from 20 years ago and the messages had started to come every day, starting with 'good morning' - wouldn't he think that's weird?

It is weird. It wouldn't happen with an old male friend because that pattern of contact is flirty. A few messages to reconnect and then the odd message - normal. What's starting here is a new looking for some intimacy and every day contact thing.

I'd be sitting down with him and looking him in the eye and saying, I'm not ok with this and if you want to prioritise our relationshipand family you need it to stop. Carry on, and you're sending me a clear message that it's the opposite.

Make it clear - then it's up to him.

This. ^ In spades...

No WAY is it normal to want to re-connect with an ex, and become bezzie mates, and start messaging each other. It's weird, and wholly inappropriate if you are in a new relationship. And hugely disrespectful to your current partner. Especially with all the messaging and kisses at the end of texts etc.

Fuck that for a game of soldiers. Anyone who thinks this is OK, must set the bar very low in a relationship, and be happy to be treated like crap.

No way would me or my husband be friends with an ex like that, daily messages is wierd.

Do you know her relationship status? A few years ago, I reached out to an ex on FB when I was single and lonely. And yes, truthfully, every response from him “encouraged” me. But you know what, he did the right thing. He told me “I have a partner and child now, so it would cause issues if I was chatting to you”. He said it kindly, I said fair enough basically, and we haven’t spoken since. Had it got to the stage where we were exchanging “good mornings: and kisses, I would have definitely felt there was something in it.

I wouldn't like this either Op. I don't think your controlling at all and what your feeling is a normal response to this situation. Messaging daily is excessive.

Fwiw I had an ex send me a message a few years ago. We chatted for a bit but I stopped it when it started to get more frequent. I felt it was heading down a dodgy road.

I think it’s fine to get back in touch and reminisce a little, chat about your lives a bit. Even to meet up and introduce your OHs in the future. To have a friendship. But to be sending each other good morning messages with kisses is crossing a line. I’d be telling him exactly that.

It really depends on the ex and how the break up went. My DH's first girlfriend found us both on SM. She and I became really good friends although we had never met. We often messaged one another. Two weeks ago I had a long message from her to say that she had just been diagnosed with an aggressive cancer and had a short time to live. She said how much she valued my friendship and how glad she was that my DH and I were so happy. She then messaged my DH to say that she had been in love with him, but had never told him. She married and had children after their split. She died in her sleep this week and I feel really sad at the loss of someone I hadn't met. I was lucky, but DH had a friend request from his XW this week and deleted it. She could have been troublesome.

No, no good morning x messages. Next it will be goodnight x messages, how is your day x etc etc. Too intimate, not necessary and disrespectful to you. I would get him to nip it in the bud now.

@NormanStangerson

We've been together 10 years 2 dc

This changes things @Getoffmyhat for some reason I assumed it was a new relationship.

This is really not ok.

No, it bloodywell isn't. It's insulting to you OP and your intelligence

Not OK to have that level of communication with an ex from years ago. Stay in touch by all means but that means an occasional catch up and birthday message in my mind .

Worth a talk, OP. There was something about the not lamented old schools group Friends Reunited where people remet online and rediscovered friendships and more.

I think you are being reasonable to place boundaries around this friendship - I don’t actually agree it’s a pointless thing to do, as it’s a flag to your DP that you have noticed he may be crossing the line. You can calmly say to him that you can see he’s enjoying being back in touch and chatting about this hobby, but you aren’t comfortable with several exchanges a week and kisses etc. So out of respect for you please can he limit it to AROUND one exchange a week.

I don’t think you can stop someone being friends with an ex, it’s pretty normal. But if it’s something that’s newly arrived in your 10 year old relationship, it’s not unreasonable to ask for some boundaries around it, but it is important to do it calmly, and not challenge his choice to be friends with an ex.

He shouldn't need to be friends with his ex. Feelings can reignite especially if things at home aren't rosey, or a little tiff you have.
Fair enough if they saw each other out and were polite to one another but texting all the time is just bizarre.

It would worry me. Especially the fact that they didn’t break up due to falling out of love rather they were ‘torn apart’ due to location. So there could be deep rooted unresolved feelings. Not necessarily on your dh side though.
You are not being unreasonable as there is a line between friendly catch up and daily messages. This has been crossed.
Speak to him. If he loves abs cares for you he will cut her off, his loyalty should be with you and not worrying about her feelings.

So, I've not been controlling him/what he does. Dp has been transparent and has shown me every message. The good morning one was odd. Dp doesn't often get messages and his phone went at 7am ish and I was very much like, "blimey, who's massaging at the hour?" He checked his phone and told me. He also didn't message her back that time. The hobby is painting warhammer figures and I think she is trying to convince him to go larping (I tried but his hobby is just not my cup of tea.) I honestly believe he would have thought further than the hobby right now but I can just see it spiralling. We will chat when he gets home from work. I wonder if my view is coloured from past experiences. My father left my dm for his ballroom dance partner. It's just too much to deal with right now. I've got enough going on!

*messaging, not massaging. God, that was an awkward typo!