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AIBU?

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Original poster

Does she need to give ex new address?

45 replies

ShutUpAlex · 11/03/2021 13:49

Sister is having issues with ex partner who is the father of her 8 year old. He had not seen the child since they were newborn. However, he had heard that they are moving house and has now started emailing to find out the new address. He said he will contact the police if she doesn’t. They is domestic violence history from him against her too. Does she have to do this? She is very frightened and I thought someone on here might be able to help.

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BigPaperBag · 11/03/2021 13:56

I didn’t give my new address to my ex-husband when I moved. He didn’t even notice we’d moved for 18 months. In fact, since we moved 10 years ago, we’ve moved a couple of times and he’s never known any of the addresses. Do what you feel is right.

Potpourriandpennysweets · 11/03/2021 13:57

She doesn't have to tell him her address no. He can take it to court to be given the info about his child's whereabouts, but the court will say no unless there is a very good reason for him to know (can't think of one!) the most they would be likely to disclose is the town/nearest court or contact centre

YoniAndGuy · 11/03/2021 14:00

No.

He hasn't even see nthe child since a baby? Oh, he's really going to have a good reason to give hte police as to why he needs to demand her address, doesn't he?

If I were her, I'd take the emails/texts to the police herself, explain the situation and present it as him threatening her - which he is. In the context of previous violence as well as the fact he's not even in his child's life, it would be reasonable for her to ask them to pay him a visit and warn him off.

combatbarbie · 11/03/2021 14:01

Nope she doesn't have to give the address at all. He can ask which school she attends though if he's on birth certificate. Personally I'd just ignore.... He's just looking for a reaction.

GladysTheGroovyMule · 11/03/2021 14:03

She doesn’t have to tell him her new address and given the history of DV and his insistence that he has it, I’d give that a swerve if I was her. Assuming he has parental responsibility of their daughter he’s allowed to know where she goes to school unless there is a court order blocking him from having that information. He sounds like human garbage anyway and that this is another way for him to control and intimidate her.

AWhisperWillDoIfThatsAllYouCan · 11/03/2021 14:04

No, she doesnt need to give him her address. Even if he had contact with the kids, he has no legal right to know her address.

B33Fr33 · 11/03/2021 14:10

No. She doesn't have to give it, obviously an alternate number in case of emergency is good practice though. It also works the other way though (worth knowing as these people like to play tit for tat). Should he have access at weekends he doesn't have to provide an address. It's tough to deal with that so best to prepare ahead.

Happycat1212 · 11/03/2021 14:14

If he hasn’t seen the child his whole life then how does he even know they are moving? Very confused

Original poster
ShutUpAlex · 11/03/2021 14:17

He found out through mutual friends and I think also had people watching her social media.

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NotFabulousDarling · 11/03/2021 14:18

Can she get a court injunction to keep him away? I'm not sure if this is a thing, my mum used to say she had one against my dad to stop him knowing where we were or coming near us (London), but IDK if she was fronting.

Happycat1212 · 11/03/2021 14:21

Tell her in future not to put those things on SM

Happycat1212 · 11/03/2021 14:22

I also wouldn’t be telling mutual friends of an ex I was trying to escape that I was moving, especially if there was DV I’m surprised she told people that know him

Original poster
ShutUpAlex · 11/03/2021 14:23

She didn’t put those things on social media actually and even if she did, she should be able to! He made a reference her to being pregnant again which he likely got from social media.

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Original poster
ShutUpAlex · 11/03/2021 14:23

Way to victim blame though 👍🏻

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AWhisperWillDoIfThatsAllYouCan · 11/03/2021 14:24

She needs to clear out her social media friends to get rid of anyone who is in contact with him. And she needs to make sure it is all private.

AWhisperWillDoIfThatsAllYouCan · 11/03/2021 14:25

Ffs. It is not victim blaming.

There is still a thing called personal responsibility. She fled a violent man. One of the most basic steps you take in that situation is removing anyone who will tell him things from your social media.

Happycat1212 · 11/03/2021 14:28

How’s it victim blaming! It’s advice because it’s quite bad she told mutual friends of her ex who she’s experienced dv with that she’s moving and posting it over social media, advising someone not to do that in future is not victim blaming, if it was my sister I would be telling her the same thing, she obviously needs to be told.

Original poster
ShutUpAlex · 11/03/2021 14:28

It could literally have been anyone she has no idea. She lives (lived) in a town where everyone knows everyone. It’s obviously been going around and it’s gotten back to him. But again, she should be able to crack on with her life without having to worry about him after 8 years of nothing. I’m so angry.

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AgentJohnson · 11/03/2021 14:30

He won’t go to the Police because it’s a civil matter and even if he did, they wouldn’t be able to disclose her new address for privacy reasons. If she wants peace of mind, she needs to go to the Police herself. However, this is all moot if her SM and her friends don’t reveal her address first.

She needs to lock down her social media and limit who knows her new address.

I split with Ex 12 years ago (DV) and his parents, despite regular contact with DD, have no idea where I live and probably never will.

MyGorramShip · 11/03/2021 14:30

@AWhisperWillDoIfThatsAllYouCan

I hear you, however it can be very difficult to predict who will pass on information to an abusive ex.

For me, it was my own fucking sister Angry And I never, ever saw it coming.

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 11/03/2021 14:31

My ex didn’t have my address for ages after I moved. And he did have contact with ds! We just did handovers at a local supermarket, and this is what I was recommended by women’s aid.

Original poster
ShutUpAlex · 11/03/2021 14:35

What we really want to know is is it counted as abduction if she withholds the child’s address. This is what she’s worried about getting in trouble for.

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AWhisperWillDoIfThatsAllYouCan · 11/03/2021 14:39

No. He has no legal right to her address. It doesn't matter whether he has contact with the child or not. He has no right to her address. The police will say it is a civil matter and he needs to get the courts involved for contact. They will be even less impressed when he reveals that he has never seen the child.

She does not need to give him her address. The police will do absolutely nothing. If he does go to court he will be told that he has no right to her address.

AWhisperWillDoIfThatsAllYouCan · 11/03/2021 14:41

If he wants contact with the child then she shouldnt ignore those parts of his email. Standard reply of telling him to have a solicitor contact her via email (or through her solicitors). Dont put in writing that she wont let him have contact, but dont say yes. Just tell him to do it through solicitors.

Original poster
ShutUpAlex · 11/03/2021 14:42

He hadn’t said anything about contact with the child, not even asked how the child is. He just wants to know where they are living.

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