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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Does she need to give ex new address?

45 replies

ShutUpAlex · 11/03/2021 13:49

Sister is having issues with ex partner who is the father of her 8 year old. He had not seen the child since they were newborn. However, he had heard that they are moving house and has now started emailing to find out the new address. He said he will contact the police if she doesn’t. They is domestic violence history from him against her too. Does she have to do this? She is very frightened and I thought someone on here might be able to help.

OP posts:

AWhisperWillDoIfThatsAllYouCan · 11/03/2021 14:44

Then she has no exposure here. He doesnt have any right to that information. He doesnt need to know where she lives in order to have contact with his child so it isnt relevant. If he isnt even seeking contact then she isnt risking anything by simply ignoring him.

BusyLizzie61 · 11/03/2021 14:49

@ShutUpAlex

What we really want to know is is it counted as abduction if she withholds the child’s address. This is what she’s worried about getting in trouble for.

No, because she has parental responsibility and hasn't left the country.if she holidayed or moved out of the UK, then it would be deemed abduction if she didn't have his permission.

Atm, if he parental responsibility, he has a right to know where the children go to school, medical info etc and many courts would argue address also. If he pursued, he'd be given her address.
If he was really so minded, he could alert the police and social services that he's worried for the children's welfare and for them to try and track her down. Sadly with this, they often erroneously give out the address.

Does he have any way of making contact with the mother?

BusyLizzie61 · 11/03/2021 14:50

@ShutUpAlex

He hadn’t said anything about contact with the child, not even asked how the child is. He just wants to know where they are living.

If he has PR, he has the right to know the child is safe, regardless of contsct or not...

AWhisperWillDoIfThatsAllYouCan · 11/03/2021 14:55

@BusyLizzie61

Can you site your source for that? That the courts will give him her address?

In all my experience with my ex and my solicitor and the courts, what you've said is not true. In all my experience working with women's aid, that's all not true. This is why contact centres exist, because courts do not insist on addresses being shared.

AWhisperWillDoIfThatsAllYouCan · 11/03/2021 14:58

@BusyLizzie61

And he can have himself added to the school's system to have school reports, he can seek contact with the child to find out if they are well, he can seek video calls or phone calls or emails or whatever else he wants. He just cannot demand her address because it is not relevant, and courts do not force that to be shared, especially in cases of violence.

GladysTheGroovyMule · 11/03/2021 14:59

She isn’t doing anything wrong keeping him from knowing her address- it’s abduction.

I agree with others about not putting certain stuff on social media. It’s not victim blaming at all it’s about self preservation. I was told the same thing when I left my abusive ex. Even now years later I’m careful about that stuff. I’ve never once felt under attack being advised to think carefully about what I post on social media and I’m quick to call out victim blaming when I see it.

GladysTheGroovyMule · 11/03/2021 14:59

It’s NOT abduction even.

BoomBoomsCousin · 11/03/2021 15:04

No. It’s not abduction if she moves and doesn’t tell him where - unless the court have removed parental responsibility from her, which they obviously haven't. While the police might do a welfare check on her child if he asks them to, they won’t be passing details back to him, other than that the DC is safe.

If they have such an intertwined social network, and she isn’t careful about what she tells people, he’s going to find out soon anyway, isn’t he? Not that I think she should tell him but she should, maybe, think about how important it is to keep it from him.

BusyLizzie61 · 11/03/2021 15:04

In many court cases, with dv, in the UK, the address of the victim has been accidentally passed on without being redacted by the courts, legal services, ss. It happens.

If he went to court, the court is likely to find in favour of him knowing his child's whereabouts. Has she shared details of new school, gp etc. If she had, in some ways she could argue that he is able to know the child is safe. Without anything this assertion cannot be supported. If the courts did not state no contact, then yes his pr will most probably take precedence over her privacy.

AWhisperWillDoIfThatsAllYouCan · 11/03/2021 15:08

@BusyLizzie61

MrsAudreyShapiro · 11/03/2021 15:28

The man has not tried to see his own child in 8 years. He is not going to bother going to court, too much effort.

OP you can tell your friend the MN consensus is that she does not have to give him her address, moving house with her child is not abduction and the police will not be interested in any of this because it is a civil matter, not a crime.

PurpleMustang · 11/03/2021 15:35

As he is obviously not interested in anything to do with the child then there should be no real reason for her to tell him, given that he has been a problem in the past. Although in reality if he is finding info out from more than one person via SM, and she doesn't want info getting back to him, she does need to tighten up what she does put on SM to stop it leaking back. Yes it may not be fair but if she can't block/unfriend who the leak then she needs to take control

BusyLizzie61 · 11/03/2021 16:30

[quote AWhisperWillDoIfThatsAllYouCan]@BusyLizzie61

Again, all of my personal and working experience with this tells me that you are wrong. Yes, accident happen with disclosure not being redacted but it isnt an automatic, "the court will order that he be told".
Can you site your source?[/quote]
Can you cite a source that says a court will.not order the NRP cannot have the address ehnr there's no safeguarding risk to the child?
There are plenty of cases where an Order for the Disclosure of Information as to the Whereabouts of a Child has been granted. There would have to be due cause not to disclose.

I reiterate, has the op's sister shared GP and school details?

Original poster

ShutUpAlex · 11/03/2021 17:03

No she hasn’t.

OP posts:

SakuraEdenSwan1 · 11/03/2021 17:09

Lockdown all SM and have an alternative email address just for him, he has no right what so ever to know just tell her to keep her new address to herself seen her mutual friends cannot be trusted.

SakuraEdenSwan1 · 11/03/2021 17:11

@ShutUpAlex

Way to victim blame though 👍🏻

The Police will tell her the same thing, it's not victim blaming, if you post about your world without any restrictions this is what happens.

MrsAudreyShapiro · 11/03/2021 17:26

Has the father ever asked for the child's GP or school details?

Original poster

ShutUpAlex · 11/03/2021 17:29

OP posts:

2bazookas · 11/03/2021 18:13

Give him a third party contact postal address (not your sisters, of course). Ideally a large tough male friend who lives hundreds of miles from sisters new address.

 Explain  to  Ex in writing   that  the contact address is third party  (for her protection ) and for postal use only  , so  Ex's solicitor can contact  the child's mother  regarding   the  child maintenance payments.

goldielockdown2 · 11/03/2021 18:22

Nooo absolutely not. He's just being an abusive arse.
I don't even know the exact address of my ex who I actually do coparent with. It's not my right to know and I've never asked out of interest, either. I just don't need to know.
Your sister's ex in the circumstances, has no reason to know her and your niece's whereabouts. The only role he has in their lives is that of an abuser.

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