Fear of being the noisy neighbour - please help!

[Bettyboo234]

hello everyone!

I moved into a ground floor flat about 1 week ago. Met the neighbour who lives upstairs (lady by herself) and she seems like a very anxious person but lovely. She told me that her and the previous tenants were essentially at war (she claimed they were noisy, shouted abuse at her, did some strange things like move her things etc). at first I seemed worried as you never know who was really the one in the “wrong” but she seems so nice I assumed the previous tenants were the ones who had some problems and seemed like a nasty bunch! (We also had some issues with them when trying to purchase so we could easily believe they were difficult)

anyway, I’ve seen her everyday since ive been here Either just outside or because she knocks and she says constantly “please let me know if my alarm is too loud” and has said a few times how she never wears shoes in her house to keep the noise down and today she even apologised because she didn’t realise it was so windy that something in her garden was rattling and she was going to take it down ASAP. I literally hadnt noticed nor do I care about a bit of noise - and her constantly apologising over the tiniest bit of noise or constantly asking me to let her know if I hear anything is starting to concern me. I have replied saying “same with us, let us know if we are ever being too loud” but She seems VERY sensitive and anxious about it all and I’ve said multiple times to her that I haven’t heard anything and that I really don’t mind but obviously because of all this - it’s now made me very anxious about the noise I’m creating.

the other night our lock snapped off completely and we couldn’t even shut our door so we had to change the locks. We were changing them at 9pm and at 10pm we were going to have to use a circular saw for literally 30seconds to cut a tiny bit of wood. bearing in mind this was all a bit of an emergency as we weren’t going to sleep with the front door wide open, the moment the saw went off she was at the door knocking and told us that she couldn’t sleep. i COMPLETELY understand that any DIY at 10pm is unacceptable but it was a sort of moment where it was an emergency and it was going to be 2 minutes maximum of noise and I would honestly never knock at someone’s door to tell them I couldn’t sleep unless it was a sort of ongoing issue or it lasted for over 15mins or something. I have lived all my life in my previous house and have never ever knocked on a neighbours door and vice versa No one has ever knocked on mine, even having parties until 1am my old neighbours understand it’s maybe once every few months that it happens for a birthday or something and it’s not malicious/something that happens all the time.

I am now completely terrified to do anything. It’s daytime and I feel scared to turn my cake mixer on because I’m almost waiting for her to show up at the door. I feel scared to watch TV at night or cook at night as she clearly goes to bed early and I am having really bad anxiety in this new place as I feel like I have no idea what she can/can’t hear. she says the sound proofing is terrible yet when I bought this place I felt like there was actual concrete in the ceiling/her floor and thought it would be good.

Now knocking on the door for the DIY is justified (I did send her a message to apologise again the next day and I let her know it was an emergency and I would never usually do DIY that late and she was thankful and seemed to appreciate me sending her that message). but obviously her apologising for something rattling in the garden, or talking about her alarm has now made me tiptoe in my own house looking at the door while I’m doing anything expecting her to show up.

could anyone give me any advice on what to do? I’m not sure how to get over the anxiety and feel like I can do what I want in my own place whilst also not fearing her showing up. There’s no hostility between me and the neighbour- she seems lovely but she also seems very stressed/anxious and clearly has no problem coming to the door to let you know if she’s being kept awake even if whatever the noise is has been on for 30 seconds. I want to (post COVID) have garden bbqs with friends. My job is a home baker and I need to use a noisy mixer during the days, I want to play music while I’m baking at a medium level and not constantly have anxiety/fear that she will message me or come to the door about it. I now think this may be why there were issues with the previous neighbours??

I am definitely not a “noisy” neighbour. I just want to go about and do daily things without fear of the door knocking :(

thanks for any advice!

Stop answering the door to her.

She probably has noise anxiety and I do understand where she is coming from. However, you do have to live in your own home.

If you have the mixer on and music that will be loud surely? If you are in a new build it should have really good soundproofing so it might be ok. If not maybe you or her could look into getting some? With the BBQs in the garden are they going to be frequent? If they are not you could mention it to her so she can make plans to be elsewhere?

Noise anxiety is so hard to get over. For that reason I am only looking at quiet, detached properties.

You’re massively overthinking this OP. Her anxiety is not your problem. Live your life normally, and if she knocks then politely tell her that it is the middle of the day and you are going about your business like normal. If she persists, explain that you consider it harassment. I’ve lived in a flat before and only went down to knock about half a dozen times over three years due to loud music over a long period of time. What she’s doing sounds insane, and if she can’t deal with normal life she needs to move frankly.

If she had problems with the previous owners perhaps they complained about her alarm etc. Have you tried telling her that you can't hear her just generally reassure her

You sound very considerate. Unfortunately, as she has had problems in the past it sounds as if she is going totally OTT. Which is also understandable is this causes her anxiety.

Could you have a general chat with her to agree sound levels for both of you?

She sounds mega anxious and noise sensitive, I would question the previous tenants moved her things, have you bought the flat or renting. Is there a management committee or agent you could speak to. You are entitled to live your life without feeling scared she will continually knock on your door. She can record the noise if it's an issue but dont let her harass you.

She sounds quite neurotic tbh (apologising for a rattle in the garden?!)

I think you just have to keep your household noise to within reasonable timeframes but otherwise not worry too much. I've also just moved and our next door neighbours are elderly but v quiet, and we are cringing at how noisy they might find us! We can hear their telly sometimes so I think the walls are quite thin. My DD runs around upstairs after her bath and they have said they can hear her - I've just apologised and try to keep it down but we are not bad neighbours, it is just household noise.

I think use the mixer during the day and don't worry. The door was a one off and you spoke to her. She might be the type that if it wasn't the noise she'd find something else to moan about, so you can't second guess it.

Stop answering the door. But if you're running a noisy business from home, this may be against the terms of your lease/shared freehold.

With the saw for the lock changes did you tell her before hand that you were having an emergency locksmith? People with noise anxiety can usually cope if they are forewarned something is happening. If she had horrible neighbours before her anxiety is probably through the roof. Just give her a heads up in future for DIY and parties.

Lord almighty, the two of you need to bang yer heads together

the moment the saw went off she was at the door knocking and told us that she couldn’t sleep.

so you explained it was an emergency and you were only fixing your front door?

She is not a mind reader, how was she supposed to guess how long you would be, and why you were doing it?

It sounds more than reasonable to deal with the problem straight away.

It's not the same at all as complaining about your mixer during the day, which she hasn't done!

No one has ever knocked on mine, even having parties until 1am That is rude and totally unreasonable. It's not her problem if your former neighbours didn't care, or didn't dare say anything. It's taking the piss to be loud until 11pm frankly, but not acceptable until 1 am, even "once a month".

If you want to be loud like that, rent a place and leave your neigbours in peace.

She sounds quite neurotic tbh (apologising for a rattle in the garden?!)

she sounds keen on avoiding any issue with her new neighbour, and good for her. At least she is considerate. It's not her fault the OP doesn't seem to be the same, and is already planning to be have parties until 1am. That's worst than cheeky especially in a FLAT!

Nod, smile and ignore, ignore, ignore.

‘I can’t hear the TV over the noise from your apartment!’
‘I’m using my mixer.’
Nod, smile and ignore.

‘Goodbye!’

Don’t engage with her.

I do sympathise as I get my neighbour banging on my wall very late in the evening. Sometimes its so loud I can hardly hear myself drilling

Has anyone bother reading that the ONLY time the neighbour has commented about the OP's noise was when the OP was doing DIY at 10pm?

It took me a while to wade through all that because it sounds like much ado about nothing

Have I understood correctly

She knocked on your door once when you were making a noise? That's nothing to worry about.

I think it's nice she apologised for the garden rattle and asked about the alarm.

Either have a few stock phrases to hand about reasonable household noise in the day time, or stop answering the door to her completely.

You tiptoeing around in silence will not make magically make her expectations of total silence day and night any more reasonable.

It’s not about the time she complained - as I said in the post, I can completely understand why she would feel it’s unreasonable and never said I had an issue with her knocking for that occasion.

What I am saying however, is that most people don’t knock on the door after 30seconds of noise - and the fact that she has done that, and seems to think a rattle in the garden is an important sound to go as far as to apologise for, it has now made me absolutely terrified to do normal things and create normal sounds (such as watching tv during the day, or cooking some eggs) and I am now stuck in fear as I don’t want to cause any problems and I personally am very anxious in general and feel nervous as to what she thinks is acceptable or not. Hence why watching tv today I can’t relax as I’m scared she will knock on the door and say something if she can hear it.

A noisy food mixer on a lot during the day could disturb the person above I would think. It might be worth letting her know about that. Otherwise just live your life.

What I am saying however, is that most people don’t knock on the door after 30seconds of noise

you sound so entitled!

She is keen to start things in the right way, why do you think she should have put up with it for awhile?

If you think your noise is reasonable, tell her. Or suggest she insulate her own property of the noise of cooking eggs bothers her - bear in mind she has not complained at all so far!

I think if neighbours can hear your tv it means it's too loud frankly. I am not an hypocrite, if I can her my own kids watching tv downstairs I also tell them it's too loud!

She is not an hypocrite either, she is hoping you 'll behave better than previous neighbours but she is keen on respecting you the same way.
She sounds lovely.

I would be very wary of a neighbour already planning on having bbq or friends and making noise until 1am frankly, especially in a block of flats. Who does that !

@DebbieGetsTheJobDone

Has anyone bother reading that the ONLY time the neighbour has commented about the OP's noise was when the OP was doing DIY at 10pm?

Yes. you're not her neighbour are you?

Yes. smile you're not her neighbour are you? wink

no. but I am lucky that I always had neighbours like her when I lived in a flat, and not neighbours like the OP!

Everybody was considerate, and it made life so much easier.

If it’s a special occasion such as a birthday - inviting 3-5 friends round for food & drink with low music sitting in the garden should be MORE that acceptable. Especially if I let her know beforehand and turn things down past 11. Just because a neighbour decides they want to go to bed at 9pm that night - shouldn’t be a reason to not be able to celebrate a special occasion. This is part of having neighbours and I would very much hope she did the same and I would definitely not be knocking at the door unless it was happening on a regular basis or was absurdly loud. I gave an example, I did not say I wanted to blare music out or be disrespectfully loud at unruly times. I was just saying that every neighbour has probably had a party at some point, it’s just a one-off thing that I would happily deal with. Different to regularly being loud/disrespectful.

I agree she hasn’t complained specifically on things such as tv noise or mixer yet - I am just saying I’m anxious she WILL complain about those things even at reasonable times due to notifying me everyday about very small noises. If something rattles in my garden should I apologise? If I set an alarm which seems a bit loud shall I also? It’s the fact she’s thinking these noises she makes aren’t acceptable (when in my mind they are completely fine - it’s a wind chime in the garden and does not bother me at all) so it worries me she thinks these noises aren’t ok and that’s what makes me anxious that she will knock on my door about other noises.

I don’t think you’ve read my post properly at all - I’m literally saying I’m not even walking without worrying. I’m watching tv with subtitles on so as not to have it loud at all, im not using the microwave, im unloading the dishwasher and taking double the time to make sure I don’t clash any plates together, I’m sitting in a complete anxious bubble too scared to even talk to my partner louder than a whisper. I’m being beyond reasonable at the moment and I’m saying Im not sure how to just be “normal” and not worry about every single sound and to live my life as I have a fear she is going to think every little thing is too loud.

Especially if I let her know beforehand and turn things down past 11.

Technically, you don't turn things down at 11, you shut things up.

If you decide to live in a block of flats, you respect people around you. You are free to go to a restaurant, club or rent somewhere with different rules about noise

But you can't be talking about making ridiculous amount of noise with friends, and the next paragraph worry about emptying your dishwasher

Unless you start smashing plates at 2am, no one is saying you cant' live your life like a normal human being! Even you must realise you can have normal noises, and not having blaring tv or music, or starting to hoover at 10pm or 4am!

You should also read your lease, there usually are rules written in black and white in them...

You can't really go on like this. You have to be able to live normally in your own home. You sound like you are being very considerate of your neighbour so if she does end up complaining then it seems likely that your noise will be reasonable noise that is part of daily life. Your last paragraph (sorry not v good at quoting parts) sounds a bit crazy. These types of noises are all perfectly acceptable and if things like emptying the dishwasher or watching TV (provided you aren't hard of hearing) are not things you should be worrying about.

ImO having parties now and again is reasonable, especially if you are warning neighbours and still considering the impact on them.

Either way you are worrying about something that isn't actually an issue at the moment. My advice woule be to go about your business normally and if there is a complaint from your neighbour you can deal with it when it happens and decide wether or not you need to compromise. If the complaint is you're dinner plates are too loud or i don't like the sound of your microwave then 1 or both of you should really look into sound proofing.