Fear of being the noisy neighbour - please help!

[Bettyboo234]

hello everyone!

I moved into a ground floor flat about 1 week ago. Met the neighbour who lives upstairs (lady by herself) and she seems like a very anxious person but lovely. She told me that her and the previous tenants were essentially at war (she claimed they were noisy, shouted abuse at her, did some strange things like move her things etc). at first I seemed worried as you never know who was really the one in the “wrong” but she seems so nice I assumed the previous tenants were the ones who had some problems and seemed like a nasty bunch! (We also had some issues with them when trying to purchase so we could easily believe they were difficult)

anyway, I’ve seen her everyday since ive been here Either just outside or because she knocks and she says constantly “please let me know if my alarm is too loud” and has said a few times how she never wears shoes in her house to keep the noise down and today she even apologised because she didn’t realise it was so windy that something in her garden was rattling and she was going to take it down ASAP. I literally hadnt noticed nor do I care about a bit of noise - and her constantly apologising over the tiniest bit of noise or constantly asking me to let her know if I hear anything is starting to concern me. I have replied saying “same with us, let us know if we are ever being too loud” but She seems VERY sensitive and anxious about it all and I’ve said multiple times to her that I haven’t heard anything and that I really don’t mind but obviously because of all this - it’s now made me very anxious about the noise I’m creating.

the other night our lock snapped off completely and we couldn’t even shut our door so we had to change the locks. We were changing them at 9pm and at 10pm we were going to have to use a circular saw for literally 30seconds to cut a tiny bit of wood. bearing in mind this was all a bit of an emergency as we weren’t going to sleep with the front door wide open, the moment the saw went off she was at the door knocking and told us that she couldn’t sleep. i COMPLETELY understand that any DIY at 10pm is unacceptable but it was a sort of moment where it was an emergency and it was going to be 2 minutes maximum of noise and I would honestly never knock at someone’s door to tell them I couldn’t sleep unless it was a sort of ongoing issue or it lasted for over 15mins or something. I have lived all my life in my previous house and have never ever knocked on a neighbours door and vice versa No one has ever knocked on mine, even having parties until 1am my old neighbours understand it’s maybe once every few months that it happens for a birthday or something and it’s not malicious/something that happens all the time.

I am now completely terrified to do anything. It’s daytime and I feel scared to turn my cake mixer on because I’m almost waiting for her to show up at the door. I feel scared to watch TV at night or cook at night as she clearly goes to bed early and I am having really bad anxiety in this new place as I feel like I have no idea what she can/can’t hear. she says the sound proofing is terrible yet when I bought this place I felt like there was actual concrete in the ceiling/her floor and thought it would be good.

Now knocking on the door for the DIY is justified (I did send her a message to apologise again the next day and I let her know it was an emergency and I would never usually do DIY that late and she was thankful and seemed to appreciate me sending her that message). but obviously her apologising for something rattling in the garden, or talking about her alarm has now made me tiptoe in my own house looking at the door while I’m doing anything expecting her to show up.

could anyone give me any advice on what to do? I’m not sure how to get over the anxiety and feel like I can do what I want in my own place whilst also not fearing her showing up. There’s no hostility between me and the neighbour- she seems lovely but she also seems very stressed/anxious and clearly has no problem coming to the door to let you know if she’s being kept awake even if whatever the noise is has been on for 30 seconds. I want to (post COVID) have garden bbqs with friends. My job is a home baker and I need to use a noisy mixer during the days, I want to play music while I’m baking at a medium level and not constantly have anxiety/fear that she will message me or come to the door about it. I now think this may be why there were issues with the previous neighbours??

I am definitely not a “noisy” neighbour. I just want to go about and do daily things without fear of the door knocking :(

thanks for any advice!

@Ginevere

You’re massively overthinking this OP. Her anxiety is not your problem. Live your life normally, and if she knocks then politely tell her that it is the middle of the day and you are going about your business like normal. If she persists, explain that you consider it harassment. I’ve lived in a flat before and only went down to knock about half a dozen times over three years due to loud music over a long period of time. What she’s doing sounds insane, and if she can’t deal with normal life she needs to move frankly.

I agree with this. Your level of anxiety is worrying, tbh. She’s only complained about the saw - and while I can see why she might, I can also see it was in that grey area of she might already be in bed so why disturb her for two minutes of noise?

Enjoying your own home with a mixer and music isn’t a problem, unless it’s midnight and you’ve cranked it up to 11. Watching tv isn’t a problem, again, unless it’s midnight and you’ve cranked it up to 11.

What you’re feeling is not normal, I don’t know what to suggest other than a visit to the gp tbh, as if a neighbour came round to tell me she was sorry about a noise she was making, I’d tell her it wasn’t a problem and then immediately forget about it.

It’s not a block of flats - it’s one house that’s split into 2 flats just to give some context. I am explaining that I would like to feel comfortable enough to have friends over for a party on a special occasion in the garden (like everyone on this road has probably done many times for birthdays etc) and not fear her complaining about it, that’s all. I would probably invite her too, and would always message to let her know a plan of what’s going on.

I have obviously not done any of these things yet and I actually don’t have a set plan to do those things, it’s just an idea of having your own place and my own private garden which I think I should be allowed to be in with some friends at some point - and at the moment Im saying I don’t even feel comfortable doing things like watching tv during the day as I’m anxious to hear a knock on the door due to her thinking that a wind chime in the garden is something to apologise for, when to me that’s something that she shouldn’t have to mention at all.

Maybe she’s being considerate, and as I said in my original post, she is lovely and I did apologise myself for the emergency lock change as I knew it was late. I just have an overwhelming feeling she is going to think ANY noise I make is too loud - if she goes to bed at 9pm, does that mean I can’t make some eggs at 9:30? Those types of fears I am having which are making me very anxious when I’m meant to feel like I can do what I want in my own home (of course while being reasonable and not blaring music every night or anything like that). I’m talking about baking a cake and having magic radio on in the background for a couple hours during the day at a low volume or watching a movie after dinner without needing subtitles.

She may never complain again - but due to there already being issues with previous neighbours and the fact she seems very over sensitive to anything, even having a no shoe policy in her house etc I am just having some fears which are currently making me scared to do anything at all.

I am realising I probably just need to start being normal, watching tv and using the microwave whilst obviously being respectful and just see if she does say anything. I just find it hard to get past the fear of her knocking or saying something as I absolutely hate confrontation and don’t want it to get to a point where there’s actually any animosity. Thanks for everyone’s comments though

it has now made me absolutely terrified to do normal things and create normal sounds (such as watching tv during the day, or cooking some eggs)

That's you though, not her. Just get on with living your life and realise you could have far bigger problems with a neighbour.

I think as she's so apologetic about any noise she's making, she's giving you the head's up that she won't be reasonable about any everyday noise you make. Living above, underneath or through the wall from others, you should accept a certain level of hearing them. Don't tiptoe around your home, be considerate, but also aware that she just might be one of those neighbours who expect you to live by their rules.

also it's a bit off you calling her very anxious, pot and kettle spring to mind!

A 2 min emergency noise at 10pm doesn’t need knocking at all. You’re being a push over. If I heard noise at 10pm and it then stopped I wouldn’t think anything of it. She sounds like she is a nightmare if just live your life at a normal noise level and don’t engage further with her apart from normal polite conversation.

If you want to have a garden party then give your neighbour plenty of notice and have it wrapped up by 10:30.

A 2 min emergency noise at 10pm doesn’t need knocking at all.

how was she supposed to guess it was a 2min emergency noise Youllbeoldertoo

It's completely irrelevant if you wouldn't bother saying anything.

@DebbieGetsTheJobDone because most people would just wait and see if it continued, if it continues then you of course knock if it doesn’t then happy days. I would never knock after two mins. It would take me 2 mins to get to my neighbours door!

[quote Youllbeoldertoo]@DebbieGetsTheJobDone because most people would just wait and see if it continued, if it continues then you of course knock if it doesn’t then happy days. I would never knock after two mins. It would take me 2 mins to get to my neighbours door![/quote]
YOu would wait, why do you assume most people would?

I most certainly wouldn't wait- unless I am already in my pjs and need 2 minutes to get dressed.

I’m a noise freak (hate it, very sensitive to it) and even I think she’s unreasonable knocking on about a 30 second blast of a saw. It only takes a bit of common sense that it’s most likely an emergency at that time of night. And then when it stops after 30 seconds, again, common sense is that it was a quick blast. People who have common sense would wait for it to continue and be clear it’s an ongoing job before going round and complaining.

Honestly, in your situation, I’d carry on with normal household noise and ignore any door knocks etc. The moment you start being overly courteous about normal household noise is the moment people like this keep pushing and start moaning about everything until they can get pure silence from you. She won’t stop unless you make boundaries clear right now. If you don’t feel comfortable ignoring her, you wait until she does come round about a normal noise like the mixer and you don’t apologise for it. No apologetic stuff like “I’ll be done soon” “I’m sorry I didn’t realise” “I’m just making a cake then it’ll be done” and no explanations for the household noise because that gives them that feeling of control and the feeling they have the right to expect explanations from you. Nip it in the bud now.

@DebbieGetsTheJobDone

you’d go round to your neighbours after 2 mins of noise? You wouldn’t even give the benefit of the doubt and see if it continues?

Oh you’re a nightmare aren’t you? Your poor neighbours.

I’d assume most people would because it’s the most reasonable thing to do. The first time a noise has happened, you’d give it more than 30 seconds before you were knocking (the op said she knocked after 30seconds). Now if it was a regular occurrence it’s different but this isn’t the case. It was the first instance of noise and the neighbour came knocking after a short time (30 seconds). Surely waiting is reasonable and knocking after a very short time isn’t.

[quote Youllbeoldertoo]@DebbieGetsTheJobDone

you’d go round to your neighbours after 2 mins of noise? You wouldn’t even give the benefit of the doubt and see if it continues?

Oh you’re a nightmare aren’t you? Your poor neighbours.

I’d assume most people would because it’s the most reasonable thing to do. The first time a noise has happened, you’d give it more than 30 seconds before you were knocking (the op said she knocked after 30seconds). Now if it was a regular occurrence it’s different but this isn’t the case. It was the first instance of noise and the neighbour came knocking after a short time (30 seconds). Surely waiting is reasonable and knocking after a very short time isn’t.[/quote]
It's funny you'd call ME a nightmare if I go and see why my neighbours are doing DIY at 10pm.

Of course I would go. If it's an emergency situation, at least I'd know and would get an idea of how long it will take

If not, I'd ask them to stop. Like any normal human being.

I"d also love to hear the neighbours version. The "30 seconds noise" is likely to have been a bit longer than that..

Oh you’re a nightmare aren’t you? Your poor neighbours

😂

indeed
Poor people unable to make a racket at 10pm, brilliant.

It's especially funny when you know who would suffer the most if everybody decides to be rude and inconsiderate. I give you a clue, it's not the people living in the top floor flat.

@DebbieGetsTheJobDone

The more you say the more I’m convinced you’re a nightmare to live near. I’m sure you know all the comings and going’s of your street Hyacinth. No matter what you say in a ONE off FIRST time offence most reasonable people would wait longer than 30 seconds before going round.

Get a grip/life.

Youllbeoldertoo

as you are the one defending your right to be an inconsiderate neighbour at any time you feel like, it's clear who the nightmare is.

I would say don't answer the door but after only one week you've already given the woman your mobile!

We've been in our house ten years and none of the NDN's have our numbers

@DebbieGetsTheJobDone

That’s not what I’ve said at any point. Re read my posts, you clearly don’t understand what I’ve said. What a nightmare.

Youllbeoldertoo

what a nightmare indeed.

I think it's all resolved? I wouldn't worry

@DebbieGetsTheJobDone I’m glad you agree with me.

Food mixer daily with medium level music and regular parties until 1am. I think there's a reason you feel like the noisy neighbour. And I don't think that reason is because your neighbour knocked once when you made a racket at 10pm.

I feel for you and your neighbour though. Not everyone can live in a detached.

Are you living in the South West because we genuinely used to have a downstairs neighbour EXACTLY like this and she called the police on us twice for walking too loudly! There is nothing she can do about normal noises, I'd try to ignore it as much as possible (although I totally get how anxious you are about making any noise now, we were like this)

Youllbeoldertoo

I thought you were being goady, but it seems you have understanding issues, so it would be unkind to insist discussing with someone like you

I don’t understand why this interaction has made you paranoid about noise, tbh.

If it were me, I would have worried before that her constant apologies for noise were her way of telling me that we were noisy, without having to actually address the issue head on. The fact that she came round straight away when you were actually being noisy would actually reassure me that she would just say when I was making noise!

Although, if I were having to use a circular saw at 10pm at night, I would probably give my neighbour a heads up...