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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

ALL in-laws take at least 5-10 years to get used to?

41 replies

PamDenick · 10/03/2021 23:06

For no reason in particular (?!), for those of us who’ve been married for some time, would you agree that ALL in laws take at least five tears to get used to? Whether that’s cos they ask you to accompany them to special church services, have odd uncles somewhere in the family, or have demanding Christmas arrangements?

OP posts:

Dogsaresomucheasier · 10/03/2021 23:09

Yes, you are probably right...
Lack of awareness and respect for this fact, on both sides, probably causes a lot of in-law issues.

Most people start their families in that period and the expectations clash.

Jillypots · 10/03/2021 23:10

I guess it depends on how well you knew your partner before you got married. I do agree that it takes longer than imagined though. For me it was certainly about 5 years. Not my MIL - she is lovely - but SILs and BILs were definitely trickier!

Silurian · 10/03/2021 23:14

I’ve been with DH for almost 30 years, and no, I don’t think so. Maybe if your partner/DH is very family-minded, and for some reason wants you to spend vast amounts of time with his family, but otherwise, I can’t see why you need to get used to anything. I like mine, though we could not be more different, and I appreciate they brought up my lovely DH, but I haven’t joined their family or anything.

HeddaGarbled · 10/03/2021 23:18

No, I think that’s nonsense. Your three examples are daft.

DeepThinkingGirl · 10/03/2021 23:42

You’re probably right

Got close to mine before that period and regretted it.

I think the first phase you need a safe distance to be able to enjoy your relationship without having to adjust it around their dynamics

And to reduce any expectations and to alllw for people to accept the formation of a seperate unit

And then after that you can get close to each other from a position of independence where you can demand your respect

starfish88 · 11/03/2021 02:38

I found it was the case for me. Getting married improved things and having DS did even more. But then DH and I met as teenagers so they probably weren't expecting me to stick around so no point getting too close to start with and teenage me probably was a pain the arse. Plus I don't put up a front so much anymore so they probably got to know the real me.

ChazP · 11/03/2021 02:43

I’m not sure I’ll ever get used to the noise my partner’s dad makes when he’s slurping his cup of tea. 15 years in and it still grates..! (But then I reckon I’m pretty lucky that that’s really the only thing that bothers me with either of them).

ChonkyChook · 11/03/2021 03:02

Christmas arrangements and odd uncles...

Like Sandringham and Nonces?

wombatspoopcubes · 11/03/2021 03:14

I like my MIL and FIL from the start. Sure, they have their faults but we all do. I wouldn't trust MIL to babysit though but that is more because she is uuuuh...intellectually challenged and set in her ways making it a bit dangerous ("we used to put the babies on their belly to sleep and mine are still alive so its fine!"). She means well, that helps.

Carolina24 · 11/03/2021 03:31

Mine have been lovely, welcoming and uncomplicated since day one. I’m glad they didn’t keep any nasty surprises lurking for me 😬

phoenixrosehere · 11/03/2021 03:47

Depends on how much you see them. For me, yes because I’ve never lived close to them and never had the desire to, more due to the area than to them. My husband thought we would but over the years realised it would get to him having family constantly around, popping in with little to no warning and being a bit too much (he often chooses to stay in the kitchen because it’s too noisy and chaotic to him when there are family gatherings) for him and our autistic son and prefers the quiet life and independence we have.

grandmasterstitch · 11/03/2021 03:57

Not for me. DH and I dated for 4 months, were engaged for 8 and have been married 7 years but we've known each other since childhood. I didn't know his parents on such a personal level before we got married but my family and his family attended the same church for 15 years before we got together so I knew roughly what I was marrying into

Porridgeoat · 11/03/2021 04:08

Mine were easy at first, when we fitted around them. Things went pear shaped when we had kids years later as we were less flexible and put our kids needs and our own needs first.

1forAll74 · 11/03/2021 04:53

I don't know why people have issues with PIL things, You have to realise that they come from another generation, and have there own ways and ideas about life. It maybe hard, and even strange for some older people to get real about the way of life,that some younger people have now, as opposed to what they were like in their younger lives, so some PIL will become critical if they are that way inclined. if you don't follow their stoical older fashioned ways. Communicating with everyone is the best thing, and don't complain about them.

LadyOfLittleLeisure · 11/03/2021 05:10

@Porridgeoat

Mine were easy at first, when we fitted around them. Things went pear shaped when we had kids years later as we were less flexible and put our kids needs and our own needs first.

@Porridgeoat yup this! For us it was always a bit strained and then (after 10 years together/7 married) it came to a full on argument last year when I put my foot down.

halfpasteleven · 11/03/2021 05:26

@LadyOfLittleLeisure @Porridgeoat

Same here- having a baby really changed things - MIL was relentless.

MinnieJackson · 11/03/2021 06:24

I adore my mother in law...now we had a couple of clashes early on, the first time I went to meet her at her house was Xmas eve and she 'd invited my husband's exgf! 😂 I didn't know she was an ex either and she dropped in a nice so glad you could come Ex to which she replied 'we'll thanks for inviting me ' so they obviously didn't keep in touch and mil said 'well, you're one of my favourite people 😁' they haven't seen each other since and that was thirteen years ago 😂 and a couple of parenting ones, her telling me not to pick my son up when he was a toddler and really upset, putting his arms up to me. I stalked off with him and it was a little frosty for a while.
Now we love each other, I do have a lot of respect for her. We check in regularly, I sent gifts when her mum was in hospital, she sends me gifts just because. It's very awkward with her husband as he has a brain trauma just before I met dh and he's a completely different person now and can't bear the noise of children but he's a decent man, but very blunt. Only ever seen husbands dad about fifteen/ twenty times in my life but he's mellowed a lot with age, got a lovely partner and never misses sending a card for our kids bdays. He left when my dh was 2 and he didn't see him again until he was 15 and then it was sporadic.

Champagneandmonstermunch · 11/03/2021 06:32

No I don't think so. Mine seemed fine when I first met them, and they haven't done anything to change my opinion in the last 20 or so years.

LadyOfLittleLeisure · 11/03/2021 06:53

[quote halfpasteleven]**@LadyOfLittleLeisure* @Porridgeoat*

Same here- having a baby really changed things - MIL was relentless. [/quote]
@halfpasteleven - the drama stakes are upped significantly when there are children to be involved! I have to admit I completely lost my rag at something seemingly minor last year but it was a case of the straw that broke the camel's back.

Potterythrowdown · 11/03/2021 07:02

I really like mine - they were endlessly kind to me when we starting dating in our early 20s and I was a bit of a rude oik. They obviously say and do things that irritate me, as do my parents, but we're all pretty similar people and easy to get on with.

FiddlefigOnTheRoof · 11/03/2021 08:09

Really close. Then a bit too close and overwhelming. Then we had a baby and MIL’s mental health went pear shaped as we stood up for things a bit more and had boundaries. We’ve had to keep a polite and respectful distance - same amount of visits, but no warm confidences and no daily calls/texts.

Happytentoes · 11/03/2021 08:24

30 + years and it continues to astound me how entitled they are, and also how 1950s they seem ( and that’s SIL!)
They live in a no-confrontation, no-dissent sort of fog where passive aggressive comments are common and telling people what the hell you actually want, is just not done.
Thanks - feel better now.

Rubyupbeat · 11/03/2021 08:36

Of course everyone is different, but from the day and my sons girlfriend met we fell in love, well meaning we got on really well, I love that girl and she has included me in so many things.
What I would say is, I have never interfered, never just turned up unannounced, I have a door key,but it's only used to recheck on their house if they are away, or to take in deliveries. I also encourage them never to feel guilty if they've not been round for a while, they have they're own lives. We also have become good friends with her parents, which works well for Christmas day, we just take it in turns to all go to one house.
I can understand it's not always as easy as this.

Knitterbabe · 11/03/2021 08:39

My mil was very welcoming and had brought up her three sons to be very good partners. She was always generous and supportive and believed in equal responsibility in a marriage. Sadly she died very young, when our DTs were just one year old. She would have been a wonderful grandmother. My own mother welcomed DH snd adored him.

PicsInRed · 11/03/2021 08:55

Odd uncle? Like a raper of trafficked women?
Yeah, that takes some "getting used to".

Andrew...is that you?

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