Child's mother really overstepping the mark

[angryrobloxmum]

Sorry this is long.

Have name changed for this as could be quite outing. It’s more of a what would you do rather than ambu.

My dd is 9 and like a lot of 9 year old girls has been playing Roblox over lockdown and staying in touch with her class friends this way too. Now 9 year old girls can all be pretty horrible to each other, it goes with the territory. They fall out and makeup again multiple times a day sometimes. There is one girl in my dd’s class that has form for bullying. I’ve previously had to get the school involved as this girl was telling all the other kids they had to run away from her (small village school) and wouldn’t let her play with anyone.

Now this girl is incredibly spoilt, child model, own instigram page type. Very precious with a typical tiger mum. Her child has to be the most popular, best at everything, win every sports day etc.

My dd has been in group chats with friends on Roblox where this girl has also been present. There has been a certain amount of friction between them, but with lots of other friends present not so much a problem.

Anyway I was preparing dinner in the kitchen and shouted through to ask dd what she was doing. She shouts back that she’s talking to Janes mum (not real name). I’m like wtf and quickly go and see what’s happening, but just get the tail end of the conversation and the mother is saying that any silliness stops now etc. Some of dd’s schools friends point out to the mother (who’s logged on her own account) that Jane is guilty of bullying my dd to which the mother replies that bullying is a strong word and that this isn’t school. Anyway it goes and the mother leaves. My daughter and friends were left scared and upset.

I can’t understand why the mother felt the need to tell children off over social media rather than go to the parents.

I’m quite a quiet person and hate confrontation, but I’m so angry about this and just don’t know what to do.

If she was just giving a quick ‘this is getting silly, chill out everyone, you’re all friends’ talk, I see nothing wrong with this. If she was telling the children, but not her dd off, not fine. However this doesn’t seem to be the case. I would be contacting the mother.

Have you actually asked your DD what was going on?

I would be contacting the mother also.

How can you expect anyone here to comment usefully if you’re not sharing what your daughter says it was actually about?

I’ve had a group of 9yo girls in my house (pre Covid) and had stern words with them.

Why weren’t you supervising?

At 9, my child was allowed chat function with friends - but she had to be in the same room as me.

I can’t understand why the mother felt the need to tell children off over social media rather than go to the parents.

I think it is far more sensible to stop in and put a stop to something right then rather than "I'm going to talk to your parents..." followed by however long it takes to contact the parents and tell them what was happening.

@SoupDragon

Have you actually asked your DD what was going on?

Yes, what was the mum telling them off for?

For me, this comes back again, to a primary school principal's remark to me once, as we confronted a bullying issue, he said 'I've never had a bullying issue where all parties did not feel they were the victims of bullying'.

I'd be asking my daughter if she had any idea what had been said or done that the other mother and her daughter may have thought constituted bullying. I'd be asking her to think very carefully, because I intended to contact the other mother. . . it's amazing the way that can really focus a child's mind, and get them to see things from the other child's point of view!

They're kids, they're learning, if they are using social media inappropriately (and given how many adults do, on a regular basis, it's not really surprising if children do), they need to have this noticed, pointed out, and appropriate boundaries and consequences put in place.

I would contact the mother directly (In a Video chat if possible) to get a clearer context.

If it was just to communicate with your daughter, then that is not acceptable.

And this behaviour is not par for the course. It's up to adults to model good behaviour, and if they can't get along to move on. Protect your daughter here, be her support as it sounds like she is dealing with a lot.

And definitely give her teachers the heads up.

As the mother of 2 9yo girls, they are not all horrible. I however don’t allow roblox as it caused issues in dd1’s year 5 class a few years back (dd wasn’t involved) but it was used for bullying then.

I did step into a zoom call dd2 was having where one girl was being mean but I said “dd will have to leave if you can’t be nice to each other” the other dd denied it and I pointed out I’d heard every word as I was in the room too. The little girl did apologise and they carried on. I didn’t feel the need to call her parents in it, it was dealt with. If a dc comes into my home, even virtually, and is unkind then I’ll speak up. If the other dc is bullying then why haven’t you dealt with it?

Hmmmm not sure if I would call that overstepping the mark, it sounds like she was addressing her remarks to all the girls collectively, including her own daughter. And there may well have been silliness.
Why not message her and ask her?

I thought the recommended minimum age for robblox was 13. Is that wrong?

I'm slightly confused by your OP @angryrobloxmum.
Other one hand you seem to be suggesting all 9 yr olds, including your own can be not nice to one another.
But other other you seem quite down on "jane"

I'm not sure if you think it was likely that they were all dishing it out and the other mum overreacted or whether your DD was blameless and Jane's mother was picking on her.

Either way I think, as PPs have said, check the chat and increase adult supervision of your child should both help

Why is your 9 year old online on groupchats would be my first question

Followed by if she is then why aren't you supervising this

She is far too young for all of this

I would be putting a stop to this

@MNerGoneRogueAgain roblox app is 7 and up.

Op, I would also check what was going on for the mum to jump in. I know you said your dd gets picked on by ‘jane’, but in my experience in a group of girls, the chosen person to be picked in tends to change (hourly/daily/weekly!) Maybe it was her daughter being picked on in this instance. I know none of us like to think that our child would take part in the bullying of someone else, but it happens.

I stepped in the other day as my daughters “friend” was part of a group chat and had decided my daughter had been a bully to her. She hadn’t I check her phone regularly and we talk about what conversations she has had. She also brings anything to me. I stepped in and did a general message of please stop - but then I followed it up with a message to the girls mum. I would do the same if I was present when those conversations happened in real life - I generally try to encourage her to sort it out herself but she was upset and needed me to step in.

Agree with @bluebluezoo

I am always telling DD (10) this. Girls like this are not your friends. Don't put up with it.

Scared and upset because another adult talked to them in what was apparently a calm manner about their behaviour? Or scared and upset because they were being badly behaved and and they didn’t realise an adult was watching? If either of these thing happened to DD, she wouldn’t be scared and upset unless she had been the culprit, that does seem an extreme reaction otherwise.

Perhaps you should be a bit more “tiger mum” and be monitoring your child’s online activity better. My 11 year old knows I’m always watching and will monitor group chats.

9 year olds’ relationships can be a bit over dramatic sometimes but it shouldn’t be horrible. We’ve had our share of playground politics but none of the girls are actually horrible to each other on a regular basis. If your girl is involved in being horrible to other girls then that mum was quite right to step in and remind her people are watching.

I will defend the use of this kind of tech for kids, especially right now. These apps are the only was our kids can properly communicate at the moment and having them but closely monitoring them really isn’t the problem the Pearl clutchers like to suggest.

Why are you allowing your child unsupervised online access in the first place?

@bluebluezoo

Now 9 year old girls can all be pretty horrible to each other, it goes with the territory

No, it doesn’t

Tell your child to stop engaging with the drama, and find genuine friendships where they are actually nice to each other, enjoy spending time with each other.

If this kid is horrible to her, she’s not a friend.

Don’t teach your kid that this is normal in friendships. It’s not.

Totally agree with this. People who have girls who are constantly falling out and having dramas tend to assume that ALL girls are like that. They aren't

to a primary school principal's remark to me once, as we confronted a bullying issue, he said 'I've never had a bullying issue where all parties did not feel they were the victims of bullying'.
Very true.
They all need new friends or to learn the meaning of friendship.
DD didn't fell out with friends regularly at 9.

@angryrobloxmum

You need to know the difference between a child of 9 yrs age, having a squabble with a friend/occasionally with
And

bullying !

This Tigers mothers daughter is bullying your daughter and proberly others who she thinks she can get away with this kind of crap behaviour.

(Help your daughter to know the difference between a good friend who she occasionlly,might have a squabble with and this girl who is a bullying her.

(Also help your daughter to believe in herself,
and not to put up with crap ,abusive behaviour of any kinds ,whether emotionally/physical abuse.

Also help her to find better friends, if they are not nice to her too.

@angryrobloxmum

You need to have a chat with your daughter to find out what Tiger mum said to her then.

If Tiger mum said something that was not her place to say to your daughter online or in real life

You obviously need to say something to her The Tiger mum then to make it clear if she has any issues with your daughter

Tiger mum needs to speak to you.

I would definitely mention to Tiger mum about her daughter bullying behaviour not being acceptable ,etc !
If there is a issue with online grooming on this internet game you have to supervise your daughter better and tell her in a age appropriate way if anybody tells her to keep quiet about stuff,(quiet) or asks weird questions she needs to tell you straight away.

I think 9 is too young to be playing Roblox and chatting unsupervised online. So my advice would be to stop that. I agree with PP about finding out exactly what has been said to your daughter by the mum.

I’d then advise the mum to speak to you in future instead of your daughter. I’d then be advising your daughter to not play with or converse with children that behave in a nasty or bullying manner.

I also agree with PP that it does NOT go with the territory if the above advice is followed. If kids learn to be selective about who they associate with they will just have a lovely, kind group of friends and these problems won’t arise (mum of 4 with 3 girls here).

I dont have anything against other parents telling my kid off (within reason), but I would also tell my kid to stop talking to this other child, as it sounds like drama

Some 9 year olds may be unpleasant and get involved with drama but by no means do all.

Avoid drama has been the mantra here.
Avoid the girls who like drama.
This has served us very well.

I would be very concerned about her being online, unsupervised, with all the history of drama.
Far too young.