Why do people manufacture stress for themselves?

[Ori21]

Surely life is hard enough without voluntarily doing any of the following:

Affairs (they're not fun, they don't provide escapism & you can't run away from the person you've become by having one)

Sacrificing too much to pursue stressful, demanding careers that put £££'s in the bank but ultimately give them no real quality of life

Taking on relationships/friendships they know are going to be trouble.

Just why? It's quite obvious these things are self-destructive. They don't lead to happiness, or peace.

Money is money, beyond having enough for the basics it's an obvious slippery slope of constant comparison and resentment. Not worth literally selling your life for surely?!

Affairs..........people run from things, not to things. It's just a physical manifestation of your own inadequacies that you've failed to deal with. Always ends in tears or nearly always.

And doggedly remaining in/seeking out destructive, shit relationships or remaining in broken marriages, most often "for the sake of the children." Children are astute, and will model what they see.

Is it just a human flaw to knowingly seek out attachments that will increase our suffering? We have free will, and the ability to make our lives simple and thus, happier, - but not many people choose it. Why?

Well - you tell us OP. You seem to know quite a lot already.

What's the AIBU?

When a person is in a bad place , they make bad decisions.

Wrt your career example , it sometimes has something to do with having little as a child and wanting more for yourself or your own.

When I was younger I used to do some of the things OP mentions. I put myself through returning to education to do a series of degrees. I went in for a careers which were challenging. I would often take on something to prove to myself "that I could do it".

Looking back I often wonder why I did all that when I have suffered from anxiety and depression all my life. Today I do my damnest to avoid any situations which are likely to bring on stress. I can do without challenges in my old age. Ive done my bit for the community.

There are a million reasons. Chemistry, psychology, addiction.

I think a lot of people for many complex reasons end up in some of these situations without realising it. I don't think anyone grows up thinking "oh yes, I'll have an affair, make loads of miserable money and strive for a failed relationship that I won't leave in order to be as stressed as possible. Lovely". Its also worth noting that not everyone who has an affair finds it stressful, not everyone who makes lots of money is resentful and not everyone staying in a shitty relationship has a choice to leave. You are definitely judgmental with seemingly no understanding of the complexities of life.

What a judgemental post!

Being devil's advocate here - affairs can be a way out of an abusive relationship / something to keep you in a marriage that has become sexless.
Pursuing a career can provide financial security in terms of investments and savings which benefit not just you but your whole family, and that can bring less stress for someone who knows the stress of financial instability.
I can't think of any friendship or relationship that is clearly going to be trouble before you even start - how could anyone possibly know that?

You’re being deliberately naive and possibly goady.

No one sets out to have affairs. I am not condoning affairs but there are multiple reasons why they happen which can include psychological weaknesses/being trapped in a bad marriage or whatever. None of it particularly edifying but it’s not on anyone’s bucket list.

As for stressful careers; I have a very demanding career largely because I am a single mother. My child’s well-being is solely dependent on my generating a certain level of income. I could probably downsize and live just above the breadline with a less stressful job but I don’t want to, thanks very much. I would much rather have a tough but stimulating career which brings in more money to provide my child with greater options in life than do a minimum wage job.

Your post smacks of sanctimoniousness and a lack of empathy for others. A period of silence and reflection on your part might be supportive to your gaining a better understanding of the fact that we are not all the same.

Ah yes, isn't hindsight a wonderful thing!

I have a career that everyone describes as ‘stressful’.
In fact I don’t find it that hard. I mean sometimes, but mostly enjoyable and manageable,
And I like the money, yes. I don’t want to have ‘just enough’. I love being able to help out my children and extended family.

@thepeopleversuswork

It's a topic for conversation. That's all.

Who wants a bet OP won't be coming back now they've happily annoyed a few people?!

Oh I spoke too soon! Nice to see you OP - no clever response I notice. How unfortunate.

[quote Ori21]@thepeopleversuswork

It's a topic for conversation. That's all.[/quote]
Oh you're back. What's the AIBU?

@thepeopleversuswork

A period of silence and reflection on your part

Lol

I see what you mean, some people would rather climb over the wall rather than an unlocked gate when they don't have to, but they choose to.
I think some people enjoy chaos and drama too.
Sometimes things happen that is life, I think the last year has shown us that and life can throw things at any time.
But some people have poor boundaries, or sometimes they have good intentions in helping someone or doing something that can backfire.
But sometimes it's our own stubbornness and thinking we are right or we can recover something that does create complications for ourselves when we should just walk away but again it's easier said than done.
I have alot of family members who thrive of drama and making things complicated when it doesn't need to be, but that's who they are. Also if you have grown up with chaos and drama around, it's what you become used to.

@Pippin2028

I see what you mean, some people would rather climb over the wall rather than an unlocked gate when they don't have to, but they choose to.

Exactly - the bit I'm interested in is the free will and the choice

Is this about an ex?

Ori21

Well you say it’s a topic of conversation but it takes the form of a series of digs against various scenarios people find them in where you suggest a) that people have deliberately sought them out chasing stress - you must realise that many of these scenarios aren’t sought out - and b) you imply that wanting to work hard in a demanding career is morally equivalent to having an affair.

I don’t see any equivalence between these things whatsoever.

If you genuinely were just seeking to “start a conversation” you could done so in an infinitely more open minded way.

Very simply, people act in ways that they believe will make them happy and will avoid suffering. Mostly we are all pretty confused about this - including you I imagine. You understand that the things you have mentioned do not lead to happiness - although at ‘doggedly seeking out shit relationships’ - as if people doing this want to be or remain in a relationship that is bad? They are often just more afraid of the alternative = decision is made to avoid suffering.

Whether you pick a cheese sandwich or tuna - an inherent belief that one path will make you happier, or suffer less. Sometimes a path that seems not to lead to happiness does. For example I was in a really shit relationship once and was devastated that he cheated. Now I am truly grateful that he did and made it plain to see the relationship for what it was, before we married or had kids. The experience taught me so much.

For me, happiness comes from learning to work with the shit life throws you, developing an increasingly peaceful mind. Ultimately any of the choices we all make produce happiness or suffering, up to us what we do with our mind in response. One might reflect that judging others and looking down makes it harder to learn from them or grow with our own failings.

AIBU, being as catty as ever! OP, I think along the same lines as you and think it's an interest topic for discussion.
Some people are, in my view, 'drama llamas' that do themselves no favours and bring stress upon themselves (and then moan to anyone who'll listen).
I'm so glad that my DH and I are 'low key' people who just get on and don't create unnecessary stress. Couldn't be doing with that, life is tough enough at times!

Sorry going on more but I think it is an interesting conversation. Another example is, my DH gets driven mental by me not strapping the youngest into her high chair for dinner. Thinks I’m making things unnecessarily hard for myself, as it is really annoying when she starts to stand up during dinner and you need to tell her to sit down all the time. However I realised when we discussed it, that I find the time when I’m preparing dinner and getting wee people into their seats really stressful - in part because I’m really attached to food! I want it to be warm and I’m in such a rush to get everything done at the same time. So for me strapping her in leads to more suffering, as food more important to me. He still thinks I’m mental and possibly most would but we all appraise the world based on what’s most important to us personally, and make decisions out of this.

I also think it's an interesting question. Certainly the first two (affairs and careers) are choices we make. I'm in a stressful job that is a bit better now, but in the past was absolutely all consuming and I had no quality of life (as least my opinion of what quality of life means), but I've stayed in the job. I still think the past few years of my life will be the one thing I regret the most. Why did I stay? I think I was shit scared of not having the good salary and of people thinking I couldn't handle it.

I think some people thrive on making their lives as complicated as possible ... you see it frequently on Mumsnet, scenarios like 'I home school three DC, have a busy, demanding job, grow my own food, cook everything from scratch, have three dogs that need walking every day, have to get up at 5am to keep the housework under control, must have a 5k run every day for my mental health, a frantic social life etc etc etc'.

Missing I keep my life as low key as possible too - part time job, chose to have an only DC, wouldn't dream of having pets, rarely exercise, my 'social life' is going for a pleasant walk with a friend .... I love my life .

I read something recently about people who have lived chaotic lives (with lots of emergency situations, lack of safety, arguments for example) can become used to (or addicted can’t remember the exact language used) to the chemicals that our bodies produce when we are in those situations.

Not sure what I think about that, but I thought it was interesting.