Page 3 | Why do people manufacture stress for themselves?

BigHandsomeBeast · 09/03/2021 17:07

Aww if only life was simple.

MissingLinker · 09/03/2021 17:08

I often wonder this with people but I wouldn't have used your examples. No one goes into a relationship expecting it to be abusive. Friendships tend to happen organically. Sometimes, people are hard work but, despite it being commonly touted on here as the obvious option, I don't think that "going NC" is the answer every time your friend/mother/sister in law is a pain in the ass. Obviously, there are some situations where it probably is the best option but it's suggested for laughably minor things on here.

When I think of people needlessly complicating their lives on MN, I think of those who spend an inordinate amount of time cleaning and being "shocked and horrified" by those who wear shoes in the house. Or those who spend each evening ferrying children to different activities, being under the vague impression that no one has ever been successful in life without a rotation of toddler karate, djembe lessons and birdhouse whittling.

BigHandsomeBeast · 09/03/2021 17:10

Only joking, I’ve definitely heard this stress response thing before on some training course or other. It’s almost as if people get some kind of dopamine reward from the adrenaline of dramatic events and end up having to feel as if they are constantly overcoming hurdles etc just to stay on an even keel.

poppycat10 · 09/03/2021 17:16

I often wonder this with people who can't cope with 2 kids and have a third.

Or can't cope with their three kids but get a dog. Or two dogs.

And then they moan about all their "life admin"

Echobelly · 09/03/2021 17:30

Some people like risk as a thrill, which can translate into stress, I suppose.

Some people seem to think relationships should be stressful or else it's not love, which I think is dumb, but it does seem to be a thing with some folks.

LucieStar · 09/03/2021 17:34

[quote Ori21]@Oblomov21

I have done two of the things I’ve listed. I have friends who do at least one. Affairs are a choice, and so is choosing a stressful level of the career ladder. It’s also a choice to engage in destructive relationships. I’m interested in the psychology behind it. We know when we make those choices that they’re going to bring more stress into our lives. And yet we plough on regardless.

Simpler is (often) a better recipe for “happiness” rather than adding more complication to an already complicated life.[/quote]

I can answer the career one, I haven't done the others.

I didn't see it as "adding stress into my life" for the sake of stress. I saw it as an investment in mine and my daughter's future to study hard for a good career and work my way up the ladder. I am now reaping the financial and career satisfaction rewards of those years of hard work. It's really straightforward - short term period of stress for the longer term goal. I'm not sure what's difficult to understand about why people do that, if I'm honest.

SleepingStandingUp · 09/03/2021 18:05

Affairs: added thrill of clandestine sex, the extra adrenaline makes it all more exciting. Partner changed physically / tired / etc so little sex so affair provided sex, emotional connection lacking with partner.

Demanding careers: money buys opportunity, travel, experiences. Challenging job provides feel good hormones when things go right, adrenaline rush from the challenge.

Taking on relationships/friendships they know are going to be trouble: there will be a gain in either entertainment, contacts, living vicariously through the adrenaline rushes etc

Money is money, beyond having enough for the basics it's an obvious slippery slope of constant comparison and resentment but define essentials
Money can buy education, travel, things to make day to day living easier. Savings will help my children, supporting charities does good etc
. Not worth literally selling your life for surely?!

Is it just a human flaw to knowingly seek out attachments that will increase our suffering? It's more likely to be about poor self esteem or a desire to fox people

We have free will, and the ability to make our lives simple and thus, happier but for stress free simple people often need a decent amount of money to start with. And there's so much of the world to explore, why wouldn't you want to explore ot?

An0n0n0n · 09/03/2021 18:09

RE stressful career. I have to work 40hrs a week somewhere, I might as well get paid for it.

I see it as compression- work hard for a shorter period if time. By the time I'm 40 I will be mortgage free and either leave to do a job a love where income level is unimportant or I can holiday in the Maldives 5 times a year. Why wouldn't I pick that over working into my 70s and scraping by?

LucieStar · 09/03/2021 18:11

@An0n0n0n

RE stressful career. I have to work 40hrs a week somewhere, I might as well get paid for it.

I see it as compression- work hard for a shorter period if time. By the time I'm 40 I will be mortgage free and either leave to do a job a love where income level is unimportant or I can holiday in the Maldives 5 times a year. Why wouldn't I pick that over working into my 70s and scraping by?

Also... some people really enjoy their stressful careers that they've worked hard for. It's about more than just the financial rewards for me.

An0n0n0n · 09/03/2021 18:13

I have been in a bad relationships stayed far longer than I should have because at the time it felt harder to actively choose to leave than to passively stay. I had no friends or family nearby and he felt like a lifeline. He had nice moments and we generally had fun. Unfortunately he was also a shitbag who in hindsight strung me along for years whilst lying about me to mutual friends until I had no support network. Never had money to go out with me but always for £50 to go to the pub with his mates. Leaving was a big lifestyle shift (and life quickly got a million times better) but hard to actually do it.

SleepingStandingUp · 09/03/2021 18:14

So assuming everyone takes the simple route op. No one takes a job as a cleaner, no one trains to be a surgeon. No teachers, no lawyers. We're all just sit at home every day on our mortgage free home watching the clouds fly past with our perfect one true love whilst the children frolic on the lawn absorbing the wisdom of the Universe.

pippasweddingdress · 09/03/2021 18:15

Sacrificing too much to pursue stressful, demanding careers that put £££'s in the bank but ultimately give them no real quality of life

what do you suggest they do?
Quit and go working in a supermarket

I'd argue that you have a much better quality of life when you have financial freedom, are not stuck in a zero hour contract, are not living in a shit hole with neighbours from hell, can afford the life you like and enjoy yourself.

blueshoes · 09/03/2021 18:19

I can answer the career one, I haven't done the others. I didn't see it as "adding stress into my life" for the sake of stress. I saw it as an investment in mine and my daughter's future to study hard for a good career and work my way up the ladder. I am now reaping the financial and career satisfaction rewards of those years of hard work. It's really straightforward - short term period of stress for the longer term goal. I'm not sure what's difficult to understand about why people do that, if I'm honest.

This.

I would be bored with a dull job that just pays the bills. I am securing my dcs' future. We have a very comfortable life and money to sort out issues and choices not available to most of the population.

Fate will deal the dcs a much worse hand than me than when I was starting out. I am levelling them out by making as much money and investing for them and their future. They will have a leg up, especially when one of my dcs is currently struggling a little. That gives me comfort and I feel useful, not just living for myself but providing support for future generations. It feels quite empty to live a 'simple' life when I can do so much now.

blueshoes · 09/03/2021 18:21

So assuming everyone takes the simple route op. No one takes a job as a cleaner, no one trains to be a surgeon. No teachers, no lawyers. We're all just sit at home every day on our mortgage free home watching the clouds fly past with our perfect one true love whilst the children frolic on the lawn absorbing the wisdom of the Universe.

So true. Ultimately, OP is living off the toil of others.

LucieStar · 09/03/2021 18:22

I'd argue that you have a much better quality of life when you have financial freedom, are not stuck in a zero hour contract, are not living in a shit hole with neighbours from hell, can afford the life you like and enjoy yourself.

Exactly.

Original poster

Ori21 · 09/03/2021 18:32

@blueshoes

ultimately OP is living off the toil of others.

That’s one big assumption there. How on earth did you make that massive leap? Thanks for knowing more about me and my life than I do. Surely the first, most logical assumption would be that I’m posing a hypothetical set of circumstances for the purposes of debate and psychological scrutiny.

But that aside....... I must be living off the toil of others lol

OP posts:

LunaHeather · 09/03/2021 18:32

@poppycat10

I often wonder this with people who can't cope with 2 kids and have a third.

Or can't cope with their three kids but get a dog. Or two dogs.

And then they moan about all their "life admin"

I understand these examples, it puzzles me as well.

The OP examples, not so much.

Luckyelephant1 · 09/03/2021 18:41

OP I sort of agree with you regarding manufacturing stress, but with different examples. Affairs and stressful jobs have so many factors to them rather than just knowingly entering a stressful situation.

Often it's some of the AIBU or Chat threads I see on here that make me think, how the hell do you function if you get this stressed about such a constructed norm? For example there was one the other day where someone was stressing about buying her DC too big a present for their birthday, because someone had told her that big presents should be for Christmas only. Like, seriously?

Even today I started getting stressed over something manufactured, before I stopped myself. I'm 22 weeks pregnant and due in July, haven't yet bought anything but have done a lot of research so I know a lot of what I want, but I also want to wait till shops open to see things in person. I've got a friend due a couple of weeks before me who's basically bought all the big stuff and more, and was trying to convince me I need to get going as some stuff takes weeks to arrive. I did start to feel stress building up and then I thought, fuck it I know what I'm doing and how I work, why should I conform to other peoples timelines just because they are 100000x an hour, and I'm not? A younger version of me would have probably started to panic buy stuff madly after that conversation but I feel like I'm sure enough of myself to not get stressed about things like this any more.

blueshoes · 09/03/2021 18:41

Sacrificing too much to pursue stressful, demanding careers that put £££'s in the bank but ultimately give them no real quality of life

If a person holds this view, then they are living off the toil of others. Discuss.

OP, can you address the point, phrased in this way?

Siepie · 09/03/2021 18:47

Nobody deliberately makes their life worse.

People who remain in a bad marriage for the sake of the children aren't doing it to make their life more stressful. They're doing it because they think it's good for their children. I disagree with them, but they're not doing it because (as they see it) the benefits outweigh the stress.

Same for people in high stress jobs. DP is a doctor, which she finds stressful. I also have a job with fairly long hours. This is balanced with being able to afford nice holidays to relax, a house with a garden, fertility treatment that gave us our son! We both feel that working in relatively well paid jobs gives a better quality of life than working "easier" jobs and struggling to make ends meet.

Original poster

Ori21 · 09/03/2021 19:29

@blueshoes

You have no logic. None whatsoever. My opinion and my lifestyle choices do not involve living off the “toil” of others. You can question the validity of a stressful career in terms of lifestyle vs. £££ as a topic for discussion. It has absolutely nothing to do with the entirely separate topic of living a life of charity & it’s moral implications.

And what has the latter got to do with me anyway?

Have a re-think

OP posts:

Original poster

Ori21 · 09/03/2021 19:37

@SleepingStandingUp

I agree with your post. It rings true

OP posts:

Cam2020 · 09/03/2021 19:43

Some people are subconsciously drawn to drama, I think. From my observation and my limited experience, they often seem to be people who have had traumatic or turbulent childhoods. One girl I was friends with at school has made catastrophic choice after catastrophic choice throughout her life (and broadcasts it all on social media). I had to distance myself from her in my early 20s as she was such a loose cannon and likely to get me in trouble, she could probably start a fight in an empty room. Things like dating horrible, dangerous men, having affairs with close family friends, mouthing off at people in lubs/clubs and getting into fights. The shame of it is underneath it she is intelligent and a nice person but has her finger firmly on the self destruct button.

LunaHeather · 09/03/2021 19:45

[quote Ori21]@blueshoes

You have no logic. None whatsoever. My opinion and my lifestyle choices do not involve living off the “toil” of others. You can question the validity of a stressful career in terms of lifestyle vs. £££ as a topic for discussion. It has absolutely nothing to do with the entirely separate topic of living a life of charity & it’s moral implications.

And what has the latter got to do with me anyway?

Have a re-think[/quote]
I'm baffled by this too

I chose not to go higher on the career ladder. How am I living off the toil of others?

I can see how a supermarket CEO, for example, could be seen as living off the toil of others.

NameChangedForThisFeb21 · 09/03/2021 19:49

You sound like you know my parents

I don’t know. I’ve wondered the same thing.

They can’t cope with being alone and having to actually look at themselves? Constantly emotionally distracting themselves? Live for the excitement/drama? Some sort of mental illness? Running away from reality? God knows.

But being the child in the middle of it all...I’m fucking exhausted