Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Please help- not sure how to approach this

28 replies

Jodielaa · 08/03/2021 22:17

Had to NC as it could be very outing and have many friends who use MN.
I’m kinda posting for traffic but also because i’m not sure how to approach the situation i’m in.

Basically, I lost my father quite tragically a few years back. Since then, my mother has gradually been drinking more and more alcohol.
At first, it would be a few glasses of wine at night time a few days a week, then it slowly got worse to the point she now drinks between 1-2 bottles of wine EVERY night. She’s even drove after having a drink before.
I’ve tried to support her, be there for her and told her how it makes us all feel. However she gets quite defensive and immediately says “i’ve been at work” “i’ve nowt else to do” “i don’t have a problem”
This is my Aibu- I feel like telling her how selfish she is, I feel like i’m watching her slowly kill herself, putting her and others at danger. But i feel though she will get worse by me doing this. I had read up online and it says to just be supportive and i am and always have been but surely it can’t keep going on like this. I can’t.

I just don’t know what to do i really don’t but this is killing me and i feel so helpless. Any advice would be great. Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
Jodielaa · 08/03/2021 22:19

Just to mention she’s quite a nasty drunk aswell which makes it worse!

OP posts:
haveapieceoftoast · 08/03/2021 22:28

You can’t change her

Queenie6655 · 08/03/2021 22:32

That's hard I'm so sorry

Is she able to hold down a job?

Original poster
Jodielaa · 08/03/2021 22:34

I can’t say what she does as it really would be outing. But she has a very well paid job and has done for years

OP posts:
Original poster
Jodielaa · 08/03/2021 22:34

@haveapieceoftoast

You can’t change her
I think this is what i’m scared of. I just wish i could!
OP posts:
Pantsomime · 08/03/2021 22:38

Can you post loads of literature to her - one very couple of days about affects on the body- liver- memory- pancreas etc & a few re where to get help- hobbies etc and hope that she looks at some of it before she bins it?

ThreeLocusts · 08/03/2021 22:42

That sounds really hard.

Having lived with a drunk I understand that you don't want to just go on being supportive. It's torture watching someone abuse themselves and others like that.

But you can't be sure to achieve anything if you try to intervene. Are there siblings or friends of your mother who you can coordinate with? You should not have to face this on your own.

Best I can think of is to contact orgs like AA, addiction advice centres- I think there is a group that focuses on family members of addicts but have forgotten the name. You need advice and a plan.

Whatever you do don't blame yourself. Your mother is lucky you still care, nasty drunks are awful. Sorry you have to deal with this.

haveapieceoftoast · 08/03/2021 22:42

I’m sure you do OP, it’s very sad and frustrating to watch someone with an alcohol problem get worse. But she’ll only change if she wants to and chooses to make the change. You just have to accept that, as hard as it is Flowers

StoneofDestiny · 08/03/2021 22:47

Who is the person she will listen to most? Can you get them involved?

Timeforabiscuit · 08/03/2021 22:48

You havent said if you live with her, or how old you are, but there isn't any real practical way you can get her to understand or see what is happening.

What you can do is protect yourself first and foremost, make sure you have someone trustworthy you can talk to, have a plan to get out of the house safetly, if she's a nasty drunk - expect that (especially late in the day).

IEat · 08/03/2021 22:49

My mother drank after her husband died . She was pissed and slurring words at noon! Then when I asked her once she said I have a drink at 11...(waited a few seconds) .. then added AT NIGHT.
She died 9 years after her husband causes related to alcohol.

Original poster
Jodielaa · 08/03/2021 22:52

I do not live with her and i am 31. I have younger siblings at home still 17 and 19. It’s just heartbreaking it really is. It’s torture! I feel as though i’m constantly just waiting for a text to say something bads happened 😟

OP posts:
Original poster
Jodielaa · 08/03/2021 22:53

@IEat

My mother drank after her husband died . She was pissed and slurring words at noon! Then when I asked her once she said I have a drink at 11...(waited a few seconds) .. then added AT NIGHT. She died 9 years after her husband causes related to alcohol.
Oh my god. I’m sorry sorry to hear that. Any worse fear!
OP posts:
Original poster
Jodielaa · 08/03/2021 22:54

*my

OP posts:
RealisticSketch · 08/03/2021 22:56

If she loses herself in her addiction and her life starts to unravel I can imagine you don't want her or yourself to think I wish I'd said something. But confronting her is likely to make her dig her heels in as she isn't yet at the point where she is ready to accept she needs to change. So I think all you can do is kindly tell her that her drink habit is deeply unhealthy and should she ever wish to make any changes you'd be happy to support her to find ways to break the habit. Just keep reminding her it's never too late to change and your door is open. That's about all you can do I think.
If you try to force her to see what she's doing it is likely to seem like emotional blackmail to her and every addict in denial gets defensive, but being honest that you don't agree when she claims she's fine and keep help in the table is fair and at least stops you from being in a position of regret if it all falls apart later.

Yokey · 08/03/2021 22:57

There is nothing you can do. Having been in your shoes, I walked away. Too hard to watch helplessly. I left the door open for if there is ever a change.

RealisticSketch · 08/03/2021 22:59

That's hard if you are writing for your siblings too! Sad have you spoken to them, are they coping?

RealisticSketch · 08/03/2021 22:59

Worrying not writing

RainySaturday · 08/03/2021 23:02

I think I'd be focussing on supporting your siblings who are still quite young, and who will be orphaned at a young age if DM does come to an early end.
They need to have some adult support and somewhere to escape to from the drinking. I have no idea about helping your mother, but I'd be building them into a wider family unit so they have some family if it all goes wrong.
Sorry you're going through this. I can only imagine how awful it is.

Bitconfused75 · 08/03/2021 23:04

Al-Anon are the support service for people whose loved ones have a drink problem.
You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it.
It's a brutal disease but your mum is an adult and it's her choice and that choice may be alcohol for as long as it helps her cope with loss.
Offer support to your siblings, signpost to bereavement and alcohol services for your mum and decide how much support is healthy for you to give while still keeping your boundaries in place.

Timeforabiscuit · 08/03/2021 23:04

I am so sorry, I think its probably harder to deal with at arms length as you're never completely certain what's going on behind closed doors. Do you have a good relationship with your siblings?

I can truly empathise with the "waiting", but in all honesty its the fastest way to an anxiety disorder as it is something well and truly out of your control. In my families case it literally took decades for it to come to a head.

In the meantime, do you have anyone you can lean on who knows the situation?

indemMUND · 08/03/2021 23:17

You can't change her but you should report it if you have any knowledge that she's going to drive drunk. You can protect other people from her choices, but ultimately she's responsible for them. Sorry OP, this is a difficult situation. I've been there and did report but the police took no action. NC for several years now.

Original poster
Jodielaa · 09/03/2021 07:20

Thank you to each and every person that has taken their time to reply to me. I truly appreciate it. I have a very close relationship with siblings and we support each other. It just feels as though i have most of it to “deal” with being the older one. It’s just awful to sit back and “watch”. I’m going to get in touch with some support services today. Thanks again

OP posts:
Timeforabiscuit · 10/03/2021 20:23

Don't minimise the value of being there for your siblings, the secrecy and shame around alcohol addiction is so corrosive, being able to talk frankly and openly can really help - especially if there isn't much prospect of actual change.

RealisticSketch · 10/03/2021 21:38

Your siblings might not be engaging with the practical side or possible interventions but I bet it's no picnic living with her if she is a nasty drunk, I imagine it takes a lot out of them to cope with her.
Not to say your own role isn't onerous but maybe they are up to their eyeballs so to speak, but it just doesn't look like it.
I hope the services you contact are able to offer you something helpful.