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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to stay with dp because of dsd?

26 replies

westing · 08/03/2021 20:40

I've just turned 25, been with dp who has a 9 year old dd for 6 years.
dsd has lived with dp since she was a few months old, mum moved abroad and chose to have had no contact.

I didnt want to have a step child and wasnt planning on having a long term relationship with a man who had kids but it happened and now i really do care about her and I imagine I treat her the same as I would my own kids. DP usually has to travel a lot for his work so I've looked after her alone quite a but and am very involved in raising her.

Me and DP get on really well but we are more friends than in a relationship at this point. Hes always made it clear he doesn't want more kids, I didn't but now I really would like to. I would have left before if it wasn't for not wanting to hurt dsd or make her life harder.
I'm pretty certain if i did leave that he wouldn't stop me from seeing his dd and we would hopefully still stay friends but it obviously wouldn't be the same and i cant imagine not having her in my life full time.

Mum made contact last year to ask to see photo of dsd and if she could send her a Christmas card and has now said that she wanted to move back to the UK this year and see her dd. She did/does have MH issues but it was her choice to leave, was never a threat or unable to look after dsd so I've always known there was a chance she could return at any point. I obviously wouldn't want to stop them having a relationship if they can but cant help feeling threatened by her returning and feel a bit stupid for raising someone else's child for them instead of having my own.

AIBU or stupid to stay with DP just for dsd? or WIBU to leave her now?

OP posts:
FFSAllTheGoodOnesArereadyTaken · 08/03/2021 20:53

I don't think there are any easy answers here OP.
I think if you're not sure about your relationship and feeling like you're more like friends, it is the right thing not to have a baby with him.
The good news is that time is on your side, you are young and you have years to have a baby so you don't need to make any major decisions now.
Do you think your relationship is fixable? How do you think your partner feels about it?
If the girl is 9 then there is only a couple of years until she could see you independently

boltfromtheblueblue · 08/03/2021 20:56

You're basically her mother now though, right? If she's lived with you since she's three years old and doesn't remember her mother....what a mess for you.
If you do stay for her....for how long? Another 10 years? Not realistic, is it?

boltfromtheblueblue · 08/03/2021 20:56

You're basically her mother now though, right? If she's lived with you since she's three years old and doesn't remember her mother....what a mess for you.
If you do stay for her....for how long? Another 10 years? Not realistic, is it?

ThatchersCold · 08/03/2021 20:58

If you want your own kids and he doesn’t want more, then that’s a very good reason to leave the relationship. It’s sad for everyone but I think you’d really regret staying in this situation long term and not having your own dc if that’s what you want.

FireflyRainbow · 08/03/2021 23:05

Leave op.

Newfor2021 · 08/03/2021 23:15

I really feel for you, what a tough decision.

No words of advice, just some Flowers

Wishing you and dsd a positive outcome

RandomMess · 08/03/2021 23:20

You need to end it. Hopefully your DP is decent enough and a good enough parent he will be open to you have regular proper contact as if your were her Mum.

Sure over time it may fade/change but he would be cruel if he prevented it.

Presumably he would also appreciate not suddenly becoming a full time single parent overnight.

End it on good terms ASAP

Catford · 09/03/2021 08:40

Could you leave but live locally? Still see dsd regularly but not give up your chance of meeting someone and having kids with them

Sahm101 · 09/03/2021 09:01

You are only 25 op. Don't make such life long decisions right now. If you want children then that is the only thing that should be a deciding factor. You could leave and still have contact with your dsd. In 10 years time your dd will be all grown up and you might regret not having one of your own.

DariaMorgendorffer · 09/03/2021 14:06

Agree completely with @Sahm101 op.

You are so, so young with your whole life ahead of you. Some day your sd will be grown up and living her own life. You need to look after yourself too.

Naunet · 09/03/2021 14:38

You need to leave OP. You can’t stay with a man just because of HIS daughter. I’m sure he’ll still be more than happy to take you up on free childcare, and you still get to be part of her life (just don’t let him take advantage of this).
You’re so young, you can’t live your life for other people.

billy1966 · 09/03/2021 14:39

How convenient for her father, you raise his child so he can travel and yet he has said he doesn't want any more children.

Well isn't he the selfish twat.

Why have you so little value for your life.
Giving up your precious 20's to raise someone else's child.

Where are your parents?
Do you not have a family that must be appalled?

Do you work?

Or are you the cheapest childcare for this man?

Unbelievable.
Flowers

RoseLimeade · 09/03/2021 14:50

“ AIBU or stupid to stay with DP just for dsd? or WIBU to leave her now?”

Your poll is unusable as YABU means ‘you’re unreasonable to stay with DP’ and ‘you’re unreasonable to leave her now’ so don’t take your responses to that seriously! Just a heads up.

Naunet · 09/03/2021 15:00

How old is he OP?

Youllbeoldertoo · 09/03/2021 16:11

No you can’t stay just for that. If you’re happy and love your Dp then stay if not, go!

NailsNeedDoing · 09/03/2021 16:14

You are 25 years old, and you’re thinking of screwing up your future for someone else’s child? Fuck no.

You can still have a relationship with your dsd if you are close to her, but you will regret wasting time on a relationship you don’t want to be in.

GreenSlide · 09/03/2021 16:20

Yeah I'd end it. I'm sure he'll be happy to avail of free childcare so you'll still see plenty of her.

HappyasLaura · 09/03/2021 16:23

Do you like with your partner and his daughter? Does she view you as her mum or has it always been clear that you’re her dad’s girlfriend?

AIMD · 09/03/2021 16:26

Wow what a bloody difficult decision.
So have you been the main carer for your step daughter during that time, or has your partner been the main carer?

If you are certain you want to continue to be a part of her life and take a parental role despite your relationship with her dad could look at something like getting a step parent parental responsibility order or look into becoming her adoptive parent. Though that might not be appropriate if her mum is coming back and is likely to have increasing contact with her.

maddening · 09/03/2021 16:27

Leave leave leave

You will regret not doing so and no one will thank you for your sacrifice.

AIMD · 09/03/2021 16:28

@AIMD

Wow what a bloody difficult decision. So have you been the main carer for your step daughter during that time, or has your partner been the main carer?

If you are certain you want to continue to be a part of her life and take a parental role despite your relationship with her dad could look at something like getting a step parent parental responsibility order or look into becoming her adoptive parent. Though that might not be appropriate if her mum is coming back and is likely to have increasing contact with her.

Oh just to add I don’t think you should stay in a relationship because of the daughter. However the steps above might be useful in getting some rights if you have been and want to remain her main carer. Like others I’m not clear on if you’ve been taking role of ‘mum’ to her or just been looking after her sometimes but her dad has been the main parent.
creepingthyme · 09/03/2021 16:28

There's no reason if you split up that you cannot be part of your dsd's life. YABVU to stay with him, you will majorly regret this in 10 years time when dsd has flown the nest and you are still pining for a child of your own.

ScarfaceCwaw · 09/03/2021 16:31

You can't stay just for her. You must realise that.

I think you need to start thinking about ending things amicably and looking at sustainable ways you can still be in your DSD's life. If you're willing, perhaps she can stay with you when your ex is travelling or similar.

JemimaTiggywinkle · 09/03/2021 16:33

I really think you’ve been taken advantage of here by your DP.

You’ve got your whole life ahead of you, don’t waste any more of your precious time staying in a mediocre relationship.

You can still have a relationship with DSD if you leave. But it’s not a good enough reason to stay.

spookycookies · 09/03/2021 16:48

I really think that you'd need to face the fact that you probably wouldn't have a relationship with her once you leave. You might start off like that but as soon as he gets a new partner or even just time passing he's unlikely to want to facilitate it and then you have no legal right to see her.
It's a tough situation.

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