To be a bit upset for my DH

[Cakecakeandmorecake]

Hi everyone,

I just need a bit of advice please.

I’ll keep it as short as I can. My Grandad in law recently passed away and my DH wrote a card for his funeral to go on the coffin. It is a lovely message with a few inside jokes on it. My MIL phoned today to say let’s take one of the jokes off as her DD wouldn’t have liked it. I completely understand what she is saying but my DH really wants to keep the message as it is but she wasn’t taking no for an answer.

I honestly think he should be able to keep the card as it is but AIBU?

For a bit of background info, me and my MIL don’t like each other but are on good terms. She has been snappy recently (but I'm not responding to it with everything going on) I think if it was about my message, I wouldn’t have minded so, I don’t think it clouding my judgement. My DH seemed a little bit upset over it.

AIBU to be a bit annoyed/upset by this? Please be honest, thank you

Sorry everyone, this was for the AIBU section! Don’t know how to move it. Any advice would be appreciated though.

You can report your own post and MNHQ will move it for you?

I don’t really understand. Can other people see the card? If they can’t, why does she have a say? If they can, as long as it’s not offensive, why does she have a say?

So MILs DD is your husbands sister? Whose reading these messages? You put a letter in the coffin for grandad not for reading out at the wake!

Provided it isn’t offensive and doesn’t say anything hurtful about anyone, he should be allowed to keep his message as he likes. But I suppose this is the problem with “inside jokes”, particularly inside jokes without their context or the person in on them around to explain why it’s funny rather than rude or weird. Is this a card people are going to read because it’s going to be on the casket at the funeral home when people make their last visits? If so, is one of the jokes likely to be misinterpreted?

@category12 thank you! I have reported it so, hopefully it will be moved soon.

@BeingATwatItsABingThing I’m not sure if it will be on show. I don’t think so. Even if it was, I doubt people will be able to go up and pick up the cards and read them with Covid restrictions anyway (you would have to pick them up as it’s double sided and tiny).
It’s not offensive at all. Just a light hearted inside joke. That’s honestly what I thought, why should she be telling him what to say unless it’s something cruel? I just didn’t think it was fair.

@SpeakingFranglais aw sorry! Typo in my end. She said her dad wouldn’t have liked it in. Sorry. So to clarify for everyone - my MIL wants to take the joke off as her dad/my DHs grandad would not have liked it. I meant DD as in dad and not daughter. Sorry!

@ComtesseDeSpair I completely understand what you are saying. I don’t want to say what the joke is as it would give me away but, it honestly isn’t offensive/rude/creepy or anything of the sort, promise. It’s more like a poke fun of his grandad sort of joke. Again, nothing nasty at all. I think it’s going to be in the coffin but then she mentioned people reading it. My DH didn’t think it would be on show. I honestly don’t know.

I’m not really sure what the context of this card is, who is going to see it etc, as I have never seen cards “on a coffin” before. However if it is going to be seen by other people, I would probably have thought it wasn’t really the time for an in joke.

So, she doesn't like it then.
I don't know. Surely it's between your DH and MiL?

@KnockoffPrimark sorry, it was mean to say dad and not daughter. I am new to all think and was silly. I should have said DF! So she thought her dad/the grandad would not have liked it.

Hmm, maybe. I didn’t think our history was clouding it but I suppose we never really know at the time.He just said he really wanted to keep the joke in and her not taking no for an answer did upset me a little as I want him to be able to grieve in any way that suits him if it doesn’t hurt anyone else. I’ll of course let him make the choice and won’t interfere.

Is it MiL's Dad that's died, if so, I think she's entitled to be a bit 'snappy'. If DH is upset, tell him to visit the funeral home and ask them to put the card in the coffin.

@Aprilx I’ve never seen them in a coffin either and my DH doesn’t know how they would be on show. It’s more of a good bye message and it’s their in joke so personal to them. I wish I could just say and it would make sense but would rather not online.

@Ahmose yes, that’s right.
Yes I’ll let him make the choice. I think I just wanted to see if I was being silly being a bit upset about this and of course only have my DH to ask and it wouldn’t be appropriate.

@user1493494961 yes it is and of course she is! That’s why I would never respond to it. I have just been nice and would never snap back during a time like that. That’s all I meant by it. Didn’t mean to judge her or anything. Of course she will be upset.
I’ll see what he decides and just leave it to them I think/have realised.

My Grandfather was buried with all sorts of things, his glasses, a fiver in his wallet, one of his watches, his cap, and these items and others were delivered to the undertaker in a shopping bag.

When my father went to see him in the Chapel of Rest, not only had the undertaker carefully tucked the shopping bag in the coffin, but also half a dozen pegs, and a pair of my grandmothers tights.

My Dad was very amused, and it felt right to leave them in - he was forever pegging out washing and popping to Marks and Spencer for my grandmothers tights. They weren't intentionally included - no one thought to check the bag!

We all put messages in with him, and it gave us a lot of comfort, so my point is, if your DH wants it to be included in the coffin and his DM isn't happy, is there a way to compromise? Perhaps a more cryptic version of the in joke?

Emotions are very near the surface and I can understand why DMIL might be upset, but equally I understand your DH's view too.

for you - it must be hard for you too.

Is it going INSIDE the coffin or on top with flowers?

As a compromise could the message be put in a a sealed envelope inside the coffin?
It's really nobody else's business what he wants to put in as long as it isn't offensive or hurtful to anybody.

@lachy firstly, thank you for your sweet message and I’m so sorry for your loss

That made me smile a little. I’m so glad your dad got a bit of comfort from it and it did seem fitting from what you have said.

That is a good idea! I’ll definitely mention it to him tonight and see what he thinks. I really feel for them both.

Thank you again, I really appreciate your advice and kind words

I thought it was going inside and so did my DH. He’s going to check and see. It was a bit confusing as she said the people at the church might read it. She thought it was really funny at first and then it played on her mind a little later when she mentioned other people reading it. I wasn’t on the phone but I assume she meant other people at the funeral. I didn’t think people would read them on the coffin either as it’s tiny cards and double sided. Could they pick them up with covid procedures anyway? I honestly don’t know. It’s a little confusing

Perhaps, I’ll mention that to him and see. That’s what I thought but I understand she is grieving too.

I assume the card is going with the flowers and will be on display for others to read? One funeral I was involved with everyone in the family write a tribute that went on top of the coffin along with a floral display and so yes in that situation everyone could read the messages.

This all seems very off to me.
I’ve written messages to dead relatives for their coffins and the contents were strictly between me and them. Nobody else’s business to be reading them.
Why has your MIL read the card?

I think you and your DH should just be gracious this once and remove the joke from the card. The joke isn't that important, your husbands relationship with his mum is.

My uncle had a spanner put in his pocket my grandad had his tobacco and his flat cap tucked in none of these things were visible to the outside world

Can he ask for the card back to "edit it" and seal it up and ask it be put in by the undertaker?