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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Emails from solicitor

29 replies

PerditaMacleod · 08/03/2021 14:59

We are in the middle of buying a house. I have always had most of the communication with our solicitor, as DH is a teacher, while I work from home and can access emails, make calls etc, anytime. I was the one to engage him, and DH has not sent him any emails himself.

Whenever the solicitor emails us, he always sends the email to DH as the main recipient, with me in copy. To me this is sexist and rude, as I am the main communicator. AIBU to be really irritated by this?

OP posts:
FakingMemories · 08/03/2021 15:01

Is he the principal borrower? We are currently re-mortgaging and everything had my new first then my husband but I am the principal borrower as I earn considerably more than him.

MRex · 08/03/2021 15:03

YANBU. Tell him directly that you find it sexist, and from now on please put both of you in the "To" email got rid joint purchase. Furthermore, as you are the primary communicator, it would be more appropriate for him to put your name first.

MRex · 08/03/2021 15:03

"Got rid" = "for this"

Waitingforbabypage · 08/03/2021 15:10

Yanbu!
This happened to me! I was the one who dealt with the estate agents, the mortgage broker, the solicitors etc. Yet when it came to actual paperwork, they tried to leave me off it all even though it was a joint mortgage.
Drove me mad!
Tell them straight it's not ok with you.

Xenia · 08/03/2021 15:14

Just say. He won't mind. It should be clear from your engagement letter which of you (probably both) are the client. Perhaps it has just become automatic as everyone replies to the other. I doubt it is down to sexism but sounds annoying.

Sunshineboo · 08/03/2021 15:21

i am the major earner and the person pushing the property purchase through.

when we had a mortgage meeting, despite me giving the payslips etc, the mortgage advisor transposed my earnings with my husbands

  • so his column in the affordability calculator showed my wage but his outgoings.

his name came first on all the mortgage paperwork and, when calling, the solicitors asked to speak to him despite all communication coming from me. the final straw came when i had an email to "Mr Boo" despite my email being "sunshine.boo..." and my name is obviously female.

i was livid and complained to the managing partner and the estate agent who referred us to both.

they probably thought i was a part but they started actually talking to, and asking for me.

Rant over

FamBae · 08/03/2021 15:40

This happens to me on a regular basis from many organisations, we bought a car which was put in my name, I paid the deposit with my debit card and organised the final bank transfer, I organised all the direct debits for our monthly bills, utilities etc, I paid the deposit using my debit card for our new kitchen, not only do all communications go to my dh who is a truck driver and works away from home but I can barely get these people to talk to me despite everything being in both our names, it infuriates me and I can't believe that in 2021 we still live in such a misogynist society.

DogsAreShit · 08/03/2021 15:46

It's probably to do with the automated file system which only allows for one main client contact, which is the person named on the initial instructions, so when the solicitor is emailing or writing out of there then the system will automatically generate a letter/email to one person. Just ask them to switch the principal contact.

Original poster
PerditaMacleod · 08/03/2021 15:52

@FakingMemories no he isn't!! It is a joint purchase but I earn nearly half as much again as DH!

OP posts:
Original poster
PerditaMacleod · 08/03/2021 15:55

@DogsAreShit I did think it might be something like that, I will give him the benefit of the doubt! Also may not be him sending the emails, but his secretary.

OP posts:
Hadalifeonce · 08/03/2021 15:59

I would just send an email saying, as you are aware, I am the principle contact re this matter, and I am beginning to find it both rude and offensive when you cc me into an email to DH, which should be received by both of us, not with me appearing as an afterthought.

lawandgin · 08/03/2021 16:04

YANBU, but I agree it may be a default contact thing on their client management system. It's still poor though. I must admit to sympathising with conveyancers who often have outrageous workloads as it's high turnover/ low profit work. Still not great for the client!

MinnieMountain · 08/03/2021 16:09

Who’s name did you put first on your instruction form? It could be down to that.

Either way, just tell them and it should be sorted.

Whattodoffs · 08/03/2021 16:14

As someone who works in law I'd say not to read too much into it. I send out thousands of emails on a daily basis, on some both recipients are in the "to" line, sometimes only 1 in" to" and the other in "cc"". A lot depends on how the first email was sent, who made the initial contact (but not always), and other emails tend to follow on in the same vain. From my point of view there is no malice, sexisr intent etc.
As a woman myself this happens a lot with DP and me, never something I thought to get wound up about tbh with you Smile

Whattodoffs · 08/03/2021 16:16

As an aside, someone in the "cc" line is by no means an afterthought, they are just as worthy of receiving the email as however many recipients are in the email

peak2021 · 08/03/2021 16:21

YANBU to be irritated. Ask for all emails to be addressed to you both.

PotaytoCrisps · 08/03/2021 16:27

[quote PerditaMacleod]@DogsAreShit I did think it might be something like that, I will give him the benefit of the doubt! Also may not be him sending the emails, but his secretary.[/quote]
What does it matter if it is his secretary? He or she can amend future emails.

It's definitely worth challenging, rather than assume sexist intent I'd ask why it appears like that as it and let them explain.

By the way, I do think it's likely to be sexist, but if they come back with something about the system having incorrectly done that it's a simple fix.

DH and I opened a joint account at my bank before we lived together (to save for our wedding) and they changed my accounts to his address as he suddenly became the 'primary' account holder.
They actually got both barrels from him (his role at the time included inclusive policy making).

@Whattodoffs it's one thing if you send out emails with no malice intended, but I do think everyday sexism is something to get wound up about.

The challenge needs to come from men too, and be brought to women (like the female HR staff who insisted I had to be called Mrs DH name after getting married).

billy1966 · 08/03/2021 16:34

I would have very little professional confidence in a solicitor and EA that couldn't address correspondence correctly and I would hesitate to tell them so.

Very rude.

billy1966 · 08/03/2021 16:35

Wouldn't!

Whattodoffs · 08/03/2021 16:41

Personally speaking in my case I address the email to whoever made the first contact as that is who I am dealing with at that time and I am responding to that overtones query. If it is a couple or two directors I always ask who correspondence should be addressed to.

If I am told that Mrs X or Mr X is taking over Conduct of the matter, or asked to please direct future correspondence to someone else then that is what I do.

Plenty of people do and have asked for the addressee to be changed for whatever reason, it's no bother at all and easily done

TheDaydreamBelievers · 08/03/2021 16:41

When we bought our house, the estate agent who handed over the keys said to DH "you'll be paying for this then" then to me "and you'll be decorating it!" HmmHmmHmm Still often quite a sexist industry!

Whattodoffs · 08/03/2021 16:42

Over tones was clearly meant to be that person's!

Brainwave89 · 08/03/2021 16:43

Certainly would irritate me I have to say! This issue is more widespread though. We changed our windows a couple of years ago. Salesman arranged an appointment to discuss when DH was working away- no problem I could easily discuss all the points and get an estimate. Guy openly turned round and said he did not like discussing costs and work arrangements without the man being there as they "often found they had to change things" if they did this. I asked him to leave without quoting.

Whattodoffs · 08/03/2021 16:48

@thedaydreambelievers that happened to me with DP. I took the keys and said nope you got that the wrong way around....and this was a female estate agent!

MRex · 08/03/2021 16:53

@Whattodoffs

As an aside, someone in the "cc" line is by no means an afterthought, they are just as worthy of receiving the email as however many recipients are in the email
That isn't true. The "To" line is for all the recipients, the CC line is literally "carbon copy", a copy for others to read.