Co parents | Mumsnet

justwingin2021 · 2021-03-08T11:20:16+00:00

Posting here for traffic Mums or dads with long distance co parenting How do you do Christmas I know this I a long long while away but the topic has come up and I don't want to agree to somthing now and change later or whatever For reference it's two and half hours apart via trains but about 4:5 hour drive Dad has asked if child can spend Christmas period with him and his family up there as we hadn't had the chance to as first year was with my family then second Christmas was lockdown so couldn't My problem is I don't want to spend the entire Christmas week without my child and normal Christmas spilt ie Christmas Eve and Christmas morn with one parent then Christmas Day and Boxing Day with other can't work as travel? And I said ok so your fine with next year same thing and he's not happy either but we can't come up with a plan Any help Thankyou in advance

Original poster

justwingin2021 · 08/03/2021 11:27

To add he is not the easiest person to coparent with every thing I do is apprently stopping him from seeing his child

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Pompom2367 · 08/03/2021 11:30

Op could either of you drive and switch of Xmas Eve and boxing Day return and switch years

2ndtimemum2 · 08/03/2021 11:38

So he wants the full week this year but doesn't want you to have the full week next year?

Original poster

justwingin2021 · 08/03/2021 11:46

@2ndtimemum2

So he wants the full week this year but doesn't want you to have the full week next year?

Basically yeah, I don't know if he either hasn't thought it through or just only wants it to suit him, although he does seem to want to come up with a solution.

I have said about the Xmas Eve to Boxing Day but he is not to keen on the idea but it's better than spending the entire week away and missing all the excitement of Santa and festivities

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MuddleMoo · 08/03/2021 11:48

One of you has christmas eve and Christmas day then the other has on boxing day? Or if travel doesn't allow this then one has all 3 days and the other has new years day then swap next year. You have to think of what is best for the children and the traveling on the special day might not work for them

MuddleMoo · 08/03/2021 11:49

What is the usual pattern?

MuddleMoo · 08/03/2021 11:50

But what ever is agreed should be swapped alternate years.

user1493413286 · 08/03/2021 11:50

We’re 2.5 hour drive from DSD and we do Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with one parent then boxing day until after New Year’s Day with the other parent. We do a second Christmas Day with DSD on Boxing Day when we don’t have her for Christmas

Missmonkeypenny · 08/03/2021 11:52

We alternate Christmas and birthdays. Very amicable situation, we go with the flow re family plans ( are they visiting other famiky/work patterns etc ). DD was home for Christmas last year and then went to her dads 26th-30th.

Original poster

justwingin2021 · 08/03/2021 11:53

@MuddleMoo

One of you has christmas eve and Christmas day then the other has on boxing day? Or if travel doesn't allow this then one has all 3 days and the other has new years day then swap next year. You have to think of what is best for the children and the traveling on the special day might not work for them

See I've suggested this but he's not happy with that, all I want is our child being able to share the magic with both of us as this is the first year he will understand what's going on. I'm trying to be relaxed about it and try and be supportive of him spending time with his child but I don't think I could agree to the whole week As he's suggesting 22nd-29th so means I either have todo Xmas for him on the 21st or the 30th

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Original poster

justwingin2021 · 08/03/2021 11:54

@MuddleMoo

What is the usual pattern?

He has him every other weekend

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Original poster

justwingin2021 · 08/03/2021 11:57

@user1493413286

We’re 2.5 hour drive from DSD and we do Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with one parent then boxing day until after New Year’s Day with the other parent. We do a second Christmas Day with DSD on Boxing Day when we don’t have her for Christmas

I wouldn't mind this it seem very reasonable but I have Suggested this but seems to have been shot down as he doesn't wanna travel as he said he would be drinking Xmas day so be hungover Boxing Day,

Currently we do every other weekend he collects child from me I collect child from him

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SillyOldMummy · 08/03/2021 12:00

I think maybe I would allow it, if exDP wasn't awful to me generally. I would say you hate the idea of DC not being there at Christmas but accept alternating Christmas is the easiest. Make absolutely clear next year you don't expect any quibble about DC being with you.

If you have your DC in the build up to Christmas then you have all the fun of going to see Santa, putting up tree and lights, go to shops and choose Christmas cards and some decorations.

I would be inclined, as DC is so young to do "special early Christmas " at home the weekend before - get grandparents over, do a stocking, watch Christmas movies, make Christmas dinner.

Original poster

justwingin2021 · 08/03/2021 12:06

@SillyOldMummy

I think maybe I would allow it, if exDP wasn't awful to me generally. I would say you hate the idea of DC not being there at Christmas but accept alternating Christmas is the easiest. Make absolutely clear next year you don't expect any quibble about DC being with you.

If you have your DC in the build up to Christmas then you have all the fun of going to see Santa, putting up tree and lights, go to shops and choose Christmas cards and some decorations.

I would be inclined, as DC is so young to do "special early Christmas " at home the weekend before - get grandparents over, do a stocking, watch Christmas movies, make Christmas dinner.

Tbf he's not been the easiest to co parent with but I'm trying to be fair for our child as I dont want him to miss out.

Yeah I could do that but my problem would be work gettinf time off to do that etc but I'm sure if needed I could sort it out

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MarkRuffaloCrumble · 08/03/2021 12:08

I think as adults, it’s up to us to make whichever days they’re with us the special ones, regardless of whether it’s 25th or not.

It sounds like he’s trying to be obstructive, so the usual way to deal with this effectively is to become very compliant. Agree to his (seemingly unfair) demands. Tell him the kids can go to him for the whole week and you’ll book a hotel or cabin somewhere and have an adults only break. He’ll likely change the plan and decide that he can’t have them all week!

Original poster

justwingin2021 · 08/03/2021 12:12

@MarkRuffaloCrumble

I think as adults, it’s up to us to make whichever days they’re with us the special ones, regardless of whether it’s 25th or not.

It sounds like he’s trying to be obstructive, so the usual way to deal with this effectively is to become very compliant. Agree to his (seemingly unfair) demands. Tell him the kids can go to him for the whole week and you’ll book a hotel or cabin somewhere and have an adults only break. He’ll likely change the plan and decide that he can’t have them all week!

Thankyou, I think it's a bit tender as it's the first year so always going to be touchy untill we get used to it.

I think he is, but trying to sound like he's being helpful but secretly set in his ways,
Ooh never thought of that! Might Trt that see what he says haha

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MuddleMoo · 08/03/2021 12:17

If he is drinking who is looking after your child?

MuddleMoo · 08/03/2021 12:20

Yes it does sound like he is being deliberately annoying. I think the whole week is a bit much if DC is only used to every other weekend. But if you do agree then it needs to be the same for you. Have you got a parenting plan in place? This can cover Christmas/special days

Original poster

justwingin2021 · 08/03/2021 12:38

@MuddleMoo

If he is drinking who is looking after your child?

Be me I mean if I have dc Xmas day he'll be drinking with his family there IYSWIM

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Original poster

justwingin2021 · 08/03/2021 12:39

@MuddleMoo

Yes it does sound like he is being deliberately annoying. I think the whole week is a bit much if DC is only used to every other weekend. But if you do agree then it needs to be the same for you. Have you got a parenting plan in place? This can cover Christmas/special days

We haven't got a plan really just every other weekend atm it's a very new break up only a few months so just getting into the swing of things. We said about his birthday and he's happy for every other birthday

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DynamoKev · 08/03/2021 12:42

We alternate Christmas year on year and DD is with the other one of us for the following week. We had to go to Court though.

Love51 · 08/03/2021 12:45

Let him.come up with a plan, but let him know it will be done in reverse next year.

I've always thought the most logical thing to do would be to maintain the usual pattern throughout the festive period. But that falls down when there are long distances involved so the contact isn't as regular as EOW and Wednesdays overnight.

Milkshake7489 · 08/03/2021 12:53

Who moved away? I think whichever parent moved and effectively caused it to be difficult to share parenting should get slightly more say (as long as the children are happy, obviously).

So if he moved, you should get to choose that you share the Christmas period each year regardless of how this effects his plans to drink. If you moved, he gets to choose that you alternate having them for the Christmas week.

Hankunamatata · 08/03/2021 13:23

Since you had two full xmas I dont think its unreasonable for ex to have all of this xmas. I would do Christmas year about. Year not with you theres no reason you can do xmas early before DC goes.

Original poster

justwingin2021 · 08/03/2021 13:29

@Milkshake7489
He moved away and that's my argument but it's my fault according to him as I wanted to end the relationship but That a whole other thread

@Hankunamatata we had two full Christmas as we was together and it wasn't spent with my family? My parents came over Xmas day as they live near but we was together so we both had the first two it's just his family refused to visit the first Xmas and he had not long gotten out of hospital as he was premie so I was not up to travel after a traumatic birth and obv last Christmas was just the three of us

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