Co parents

[justwingin2021]

Posting here for traffic
Mums or dads with long distance co parenting
How do you do Christmas I know this I a long long while away but the topic has come up and I don't want to agree to somthing now and change later or whatever
For reference it's two and half hours apart via trains but about 4:5 hour drive

Dad has asked if child can spend Christmas period with him and his family up there as we hadn't had the chance to as first year was with my family then second Christmas was lockdown so couldn't
My problem is I don't want to spend the entire Christmas week without my child and normal Christmas spilt ie Christmas Eve and Christmas morn with one parent then Christmas Day and Boxing Day with other can't work as travel? And I said ok so your fine with next year same thing and he's not happy either but we can't come up with a plan
Any help
Thankyou in advance

Tell him to come to you with a suggestion for alternate years. Not "I want this this year." "I'll have #-# this year and you have #-#. Then we switch."

Definitely one has birthday one has Christmas day.

What is in the best interest of the child?

Please I hope that he wrote he would be hung over on boxing Day. Twat. Drinking more important than his kid

@MyLittleOrangutan

Tell him to come to you with a suggestion for alternate years. Not "I want this this year." "I'll have #-# this year and you have #-#. Then we switch."

I've said this and his only suggestion is he has him from the 22nd-29th of dec and every suggestion I have is shut down with some bs And he isn't coming up with anymore I know it's still ages away so we have plenty time to plan I just don't want to agree now just for the sake of it

@BlackeyedSusan

Definitely one has birthday one has Christmas day.

What is in the best interest of the child?

Please I hope that he wrote he would be hung over on boxing Day. Twat. Drinking more important than his kid

Of course I'm happy with EO Christmas as that means we both get to wake up Xmas morn and see the excitement etc, And yes that's what he said unfortunately he likes to say his child is number one but his actions prove other wise

We do it by school holidays as this is much easier once they're school age.

One has the first week of the half term which usually covers Christmas and Boxing Day, and the other has the second week which encompasses New Years Day. Then we swap the next year. We usually change Sunday afternoon/evening. They've never minded getting 2 Christmases!

Ours are older though and can cope with a week at a time.

I think you need to throw a bit more at the situation:

Your DS will be happy to have 2 Xmas Day and it will be his normal.

You could offer to do the drive that is on Boxing Day whichever direction it is in (solves drinking issue)

DS is only used to being away from you for 3 nights so more than that would need to be worked on LONG before Christmas is agreed to.

You alternate with Christmas Day itself and DS Birthday and New Year. Although having him NY means he will just be drunk I guess??

Keep it all in writing so you evidence that you offered compromise and he values drinking above seeing DS.

So his contribution to hands on parenting is what? Four days a month? Which equates to one day a week, or less actually? So he can have one day Xmas week. Two if your feeling generous.
He just wants to pick and choose the best bits of parenting IMO. Poor.

Firstly it sounds like you are talking about a very young child, and being away from the main caregiver for a week at a time does not sound in his vest interests. It should be for the benefit of the child, not the parents. I would not be agreeing to a week for a 2 year old. Little and often is much better at that age.

My ex had his dc every other Christmas which was agreed on in mediation. The way it was split was parent A collects child on last day of term for 7 days then takes child to parent B whom has 7 days. Then the following year it was swapped over. This however will only work if its agreed by both parties.

OP, We have two Christmases.... I normally take the first, early fake Christmas. I do this with my parents who don't care about the actual date. We do everything - all the rituals, stockings, feasts, tree, presents- just on 21st-22nd. We then travel to dad, and he gets real Christmas.

I don't care about the date, but do care about the ritual. And I get it first, so my DD is more excited than for the 'real date' Christmas. The earlier date also suits me for reasons to do with my vacation time and parents. It also means I get an adult indulge day with no cooking/stress on actual Christmas Day.... spa, or 'robes only' takeaway, movie and lots of sex with my partner treat day. 😂😁.

My DD gets two full blown Christmases, which she loves. So win win. I also keep back one little present from me for her to open on real Xmas, and have a video call so she feels my presence and I don't feel locked out,

If you prefer the 'real Christmas' because you care about the dates, then you could rotate each year- but would suggest fake Christmas always comes first, as a compensation for not being on real day.

Hope this helps!

@RandomMess Thankyou it's a good way of looking at it. I honestly don't mind sharing I think it's more cause he's never been away from me longer than a few days at a time so I think it's a bit of me holding back

@LadyDanburysHat
He will be turning two at the mid December that's what also makes it tricky as we have to co inside with his birthday

@Whatdoesitsayaboutyou
This is sort of what he's suggesting I know it's not an unreasonable request I just wasn't sure what people done when long distance

@BraveGoldie

OP, We have two Christmases.... I normally take the first, early fake Christmas. I do this with my parents who don't care about the actual date. We do everything - all the rituals, stockings, feasts, tree, presents- just on 21st-22nd. We then travel to dad, and he gets real Christmas.

I don't care about the date, but do care about the ritual. And I get it first, so my DD is more excited than for the 'real date' Christmas. The earlier date also suits me for reasons to do with my vacation time and parents. It also means I get an adult indulge day with no cooking/stress on actual Christmas Day.... spa, or 'robes only' takeaway, movie and lots of sex with my partner treat day. 😂😁.

My DD gets two full blown Christmases, which she loves. So win win. I also keep back one little present from me for her to open on real Xmas, and have a video call so she feels my presence and I don't feel locked out,

If you prefer the 'real Christmas' because you care about the dates, then you could rotate each year- but would suggest fake Christmas always comes first, as a compensation for not being on real day.

Hope this helps!

Thankyou for your comments it's not the dates that matter it's the run up. We're I live there certain events obv might not happen this year but following years but Santa usually drives down his sleigh on our main road on the 21st and groups are held to do festive activities and I don't mind not having Christmas on the 25th, as I'm sure the two of us will make any day special

I would compromise on 23rd to 27th, then you get new year, next year reversed.

As the child of divorced parents - the worst thing is being shipped here there and everywhere when all you want to do is play with your Christmas stash.

One or other of you celebrate early or late and the kids get to enjoy Christmas.

I would suggest 23rd until 27th and then swap next so he has dc for new year from 29th to 2nd, I bet he won’t be so keen to have him over new year if he likes a drink.

@idontlikealdi

As the child of divorced parents - the worst thing is being shipped here there and everywhere when all you want to do is play with your Christmas stash.

One or other of you celebrate early or late and the kids get to enjoy Christmas.

This is what I don't want, it's my fear all I want is to make it easy for DS but it obv isn't gonna be easy as he's shipping off every other weekend,

My daughter's father lives 3.5 hours drive away and we do 23rd-29th Dec with one parent and 29th Dec-2nd/3rd Jan (depending on bank holidays) with the other, and alternate years.

We (my family, not his) celebrate Chanukah, so it doesn't really matter whether we have our family gathering on Christmas Day, or around New Year anyway, as it isn't going to be on the right day regardless. But same principle even if you do Christmas; the exact day doesn't really matter.

I can’t talk from a perspective of sharing a child’s Xmas with separate parents, but we are always travelling over the Xmas period to see different halves of the family, and we always end up doing the travel on 27th dec, and effectively re-running Xmas with the other half of the family from 27/28th till around new year. I always really liked it as a child, we had lots of “the big special event” days and lots of present giving etc - it was a really nice way to spend quality time with diff family groups. 27th is a good day to travel.