To think if it takes a village to raise a child, why is it left mainly to the Mother/parents?

[chuckb4ss]

I only say the Mother because I feel at present Fathers taking shared leave isn’t as common. But I am not surprised women suffer from PND when they are left to raise a baby for the vast majority of time on their own. It makes me think that maybe the modern nuclear family of two parents and two children doesn’t work, and that we are better how we were in the past as tribes or surrounded by extended family for support. This would also reduce the loneliness experienced by the elderly too.

Well it depends on your family, your job, your partner's job, location, how many kids you have, the wider family members commitments and so on.

We moved away for my career, which I couldn't have pursued if we had stayed where we were. We don't live near either side of the family. But even if we did, expecting support would be unreasonable as they have their own commitments. It would make things easier I guess to have more help, but we have a good network of friends now and we all help eachother out. Previously we paid for any help we needed, but the government has killed off a lot of childcare options that were available with the lockdowns.

In answer to your question, it would be great if we all helped out our families, but in reality it's not always possible or practical

Well if you want a village you have to also accept a wide range of opinions, different parent and discipline methods etc. That's exactly what people wanted to move away from. If I look at my 'village', there's no way in hell I would want any of that influence over my dc.
My dh is a very capable, hands on parent who absolutely pulls his weight in every aspect. Maybe that's where the issue is with regards to women taking on so much of the burden. I suffered with pnd. It was my dh who got us through it, my 'village' would have destroyed me.

In the old days it did take a village to raise a child. Police would scold children, teachers, neighbours. Nowadays no one is allowed to say anything to anyones little darlings without the parents kicking off. Even teachers. I used to be a ta and cant count on both hands the amount of times parents would come in angry their little angels were in trouble.

Partly because half the relatives may not even be in the same county, let alone the same country.

It has dawned on me only recently, that with someone I know, her relatives are the other side of the world.
I will be needed to step up when baby comes, and I live hundreds of miles away.

Mums currently want the village if it means free baby sitting and if the village follows the thousands of instructions they have carefully drafted in a PDF as if the village has never raised a kid to adulthood before

This is so true!

I wouldn't have been able to stand any one trying to help with my children. My husband is a good dad.

But we are all different and I like to do things on my terms and (aside from Dh) alone. This "village" stuff makes me want to run a mile.

I think it all depends on how equal your relationship is. Had my ex partner taken his turn with the kids, shared chores and taken half the financial responsibility I could imagine I wouldn’t have needed external support. He didn’t and I had no other help and my health has rapidly declined. I think if I had had family support I wouldn’t have ended up on this state. I think kids who have little support system really suffer in life.

Too many would complain and not like others telling their precious children off or teaching discipline

It's not so much the telling off. I wouldn't have a problem with someone remarking to my children that they are misbehaving (appropriately and within reason, obviously)

It's more to do with what PlanDeRaccordement is saying about giving up your parental rights and allowing 'the village' or 'society' to take over or to plant ideas into your children's heads that you do not agree with

Back in my day it was being raised by a village; mothers helped each other and other parents would tell you off. But we lived on a base.

I raised DS solely by myself. The only village consisted of me helping and not getting any back. Hence why I am not in the community mindset I once was.

Some women choose not to have children. I imagine they would not like to be drawn into raising children that they didn't choose to have.

It's an interesting point to muse on, but ultimately the decision to procreate (and subsequent responsibilities) belong to the parents'.

Too many would complain and not like others telling their precious children off or teaching discipline

Damn right. My children are, and always have been, better behaved than many adults. When you look at how a lot of adults behave, they are clearly not in any position to be arbiters of what constitutes good or bad behaviour in other people's children, and don't seem to do a very good job with their own either.

I always thought that "it takes a village" really does mean that. So it's not just the immediate family that are involved but the local school, the neighbours, the church, the local shops etc. I grew up in such a "village" (it really WAS a village) and there was such a lovely sense of belonging there despite the lack of material things.

There was also a shared set of values that ensured that children were treated in a certain way (not always nice, but at least you knew where you stood..)

I had relatives all over the village and everyone knew everyone else so you knew how much you could get away with. It sounds a bit rose-tinted but I've got really happy memories of the place and still feel rooted there. Everyone seemed to have the time for us kids.

I tried to create the same vibe for DD growing up and failed, really. Times seem to have moved on. I'm really sad about that (blubs nostalgically).

I grew up in such a "village" (it really WAS a village) and there was such a lovely sense of belonging there despite the lack of material things

Yes, that must have been undoubtedly a good experience.

I got the impression that as the OP referred to 'nuclear family' and 'tribes' she was referring to something else.

My DGP lived near family and it made it quicker to check on older family members - my DP were latch key kids from a young age and neigbours would also look out for them.

My own parents had no help from family and neigbours weren't looking out for us - I think it made it harder for them. They also eneded up with all the elder care in our teens made worse as they weren't in same town so travel was needed which added to stress and time needed. But there was more reciprocal help from other parents in primary school years- shared lifts, pick up drop offs look after for 20 minutes ect and more expected indpendence at earlier ages so walking home much earlier.

We've not really had reciprocal help - partly as we've moved a few times, partly areas we've lived in have more family support and partly many more full time working Mum's so less time to help others out.

I did read the upside on here of less family help was you'd end up closer to the kids - can't say that was true for my parents but currently we get on well with our teens.

Younger parents are getting quite a bit of flack on here for being too precious about how to raise their offspring. I think there's a reason for that which is not their fault - the advice given by the health service on how to look after babies and young children has dramatically changed from one generation to the next. My parents were doing 4 hourly feeds, letting us cry ourselves to sleep on a regular basis, weaning at 4 months on puree, smacking was acceptable, baby goes into own room straight away. It's totally baby led now, on demand feeding, baby led weaning at 6 months, baby stays with you until 6 months at least. There's not much of a meeting of minds in the hypothetical village is there, as both generations think they are right. Values would have to be closer together for this to work, which would indicate less influence from the state , which would have to be smaller, and more influence from the local community. People move away from family to pursue careers. Society isn't really set up like that at the moment.

@Lightwindows

Younger parents are getting quite a bit of flack on here for being too precious about how to raise their offspring. I think there's a reason for that which is not their fault - the advice given by the health service on how to look after babies and young children has dramatically changed from one generation to the next. My parents were doing 4 hourly feeds, letting us cry ourselves to sleep on a regular basis, weaning at 4 months on puree, smacking was acceptable, baby goes into own room straight away. It's totally baby led now, on demand feeding, baby led weaning at 6 months, baby stays with you until 6 months at least. There's not much of a meeting of minds in the hypothetical village is there, as both generations think they are right. Values would have to be closer together for this to work, which would indicate less influence from the state , which would have to be smaller, and more influence from the local community. People move away from family to pursue careers. Society isn't really set up like that at the moment.

It's more than that though. Many parents these days, not necessarily young ones, don't tolerate anyone telling their child off if they're misbehaving, even things that have never been allowed they would argue that you should never address their child directly.

And as I mentioned there is suspicion of anyone taking an interest in their child.
On another thread here, there is a mother's ex partner talking about how much he misses the children and one poster replied that his interest was 'nefarious'. Now, I don't know if she wanted to suggest what I thought she did, but that will obviously make people and men in particular reluctant to even chat to local children.

I've never really had any help with my 4 and as a result, I just don't have the energy to take on any more relations to look after, as I think my sister would like. It would be weird to have family help now, I'm so used to them endlessly being with me.